Grandchildren at other end of the country

[Tediousfindings]

I have two grandchildren at the other end of the country. Nine hour drive, five hours on a train, or an hours flight . We have to stay in an air b and b because they live in a very small house with no spare room. So each visit cost hundreds of pounds. If we go for four nights it is five hundred for the air b and b plus about £200 for travel. Inevitably we end up paying for food or taking them for a meal etc . We stayed for a week last year and it cost £1500.

They visit about once a year as the expense of travel is a lot for them too and they don't want to drive. Because it's such a long way they stay at least a week, sometimes nearly two weeks which I find quite stressful as they turn the house upside down and it takes all day with two of us to get it tidy again when they leave. I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with that.

I feel I'm really missing out on seeing them and feel very sad. If we visit every three months for a week that's about four grand ! We can afford it but it does seem like a huge expense especially since we aren't in the air b and b much at all.

We tried to move closer earlier this year but the situation has become complicated and we are stuck here. I feel really torn and upset about it all.

I just wonder what others on a similar position do. I have considered a travel lodge /premier inn but prefer to be able to make our own breakfast and maybe sit outside if there is a small garden.

Buy a caravan and keep it at a holiday park close to them that dose storage and seasonal pitches then when you want to go stay a fortnight Kids can eventually come stay in the caravan with you for a while saves money cleaning up and stress. You get to make breakfast and sit outside properly have a little home from home experience.

A caravan is your best bet on a site near them. Or a camper van even better that eliminates all of the problems and you come and go as you please and enjoy other things whilst there.

It’s just something you have to suck up if you want to see family, on both ends.
You seem quite stuck in your ways moaning about taking a day to clean after they leave, once a year.

Either you pay for an Airbnb or you accept a single week where you can’t make your own breakfast and you save some money.

My suggestion too it makes the most sense and the whole family can use it

Honestly, life is short. If you want to be there to see your grandchildren grown up, bite the bullet and move. There will be lots of reasons not to, but this is the only way you will be involved in the day to day stuff.

Give them money to buy a bigger house with a spare room?

I agree you need to look at cheaper accommodation. And don't stay for a whole week - that probably puts THEM under pressure in the same way you feel under pressure when they come to you for a week. Not the mess, but having to disrupt other activities and routines and to spend constant time with each other.

So just go for 2-3 days, or even a one nighter if you fly. But more often. That would probably work better..also means you would more naturally be incorporated into their routines as and when rather than making it a week "holiday"

We live 370 miles away from our families. We have always driven to visit them with our 2 children and stayed in premier inn’s. We have the use of our car when we’re then and it’s quite nice to get back to the room to relax in the evenings. We usually buy easy breakfast things or go to a local cafe.

we live away in UK and parents in Ireland - 2 ned flat - kids share - husband sleeps on sofa and i bunk in with kids and give parents my bed when they come

We are gonna get a sofa bed soon

we go stay with them loads - similar parents end up tidying up after we go - but they say they don't care as are so happy to have us and kids around

could you take kids to yours for a week?

I'm sending my 5 year old off to Dublin for 10 days over school hols so she gets quality time with nana and grandad and auntie and cousins

also my mum comes loads by herself which is a bit easier sometimes not having both at same time

I sense that the long drive is part of the problem? Could you perhaps break it up with an overnight stop? Make more of a holiday/adveture of the trip, visiting places at the stopover points?

That way you'd have your car with you when you arrive, and could either go for the Travelodge/budget options as suggested, or find a more affordable Airbnb a short drive away if that is your preference.

Who does the driving, out of interest? Can you share it, taking turns for an hour or so each so that you don't get tired?

My ex-in laws lived a 9 hour drive from us too. ExMIL stopped driving in her early 60s so the burden was always on exFIL. He managed OK until his early 70s, with stop offs, but after that it just got too much and they used to get the train.

It's not ideal but people often have to move, even move around, for work these days.

Please don't take to heart some of the less gentle replies to your post. You're obviously struggling and upset, maybe even a little angry. That's OK. But do try to find work arounds.

At the end of the day the priority here is your relationship with your children and grandchildren.

Believe me, if they have a small house then they won’t want anything left there. A fridge not being used would have to be stored with its door open.

And about moving to be closer to them. Only do this if they are not on a career trajectory that will require THEM to move, or even worse, KEEP moving, unless you're ready to be the trailing gps!

The caravan and seasonal pitch would be my suggestion too.
Or a small motorhome, you could break up the journey on the way to and from to avoid a 9 hr drive and be totally independent whilst visiting. During the visit you could meet up with them at local parks/walking areas/NT places then have meals/picnic/bbqs together, as well as eating out together.
Intime the grandchildren might come and have a night or two with you in the camper van which might be nice for everyone.

My husband and I are immigrants - moved to Scotland from the states 20 years ago and have the only grandchildren for both sides here. We make it work! It’s harder now the kids are older but when they were little it was better - we have a guest room and a few months of the year we have family staying in it.

Something we’ve done a few times is go on holiday together. Much easier to have a big enough space for everyone and to avoid being in each other’s space for too long. If the faff is more annoying than the money, can you pay to fly them all to Cyprus or Belgium or something once a year? A Europark setup might suit you both well - could get two cabins on the same site.

You're looking for a perfect situation and that doesn't exist. Family living at the other end of the country is going to be inconvenient. That's how it is. You need to accept that, and decide what is the least worst option for you.

There are loads of options listed above, but you are going to have to compromise. You cant not tidy up after them, not spend the money, not stay in a hotel, not drive, not fly, and see them. Pick one.

Caravan or campervan! It would give you independence and flexibility. And it would pay for itself within years, given how much you already spend.

I just came on to say a motorhome. You could drive it to a nearby campsite when you stay they and they could use it at a nearby campsite when they come to see you. Then they won't be under your feet when they stay and it won't cost you a fortune to go and see them. It will be warm enough to stay over winter, unlike a tent, and you will have your own comforts. Plus you can break up that long journey by staying somewhere interesting on the way there and back.

And can go on your own holiday with it.

Buying a motorhome is certainly not a money saving option!

I mean, it's not cheap but if the op is spending £4k/ year, then she could get a second hand motorhome - service the load for it for however long this system works - and then sell it when they are done. There will be the interest paid and any depreciation over the years, but not £4k for each year.

OP, a lot depends on your age, stage in life, heath and income but you do seem very negative.
If you can afford the money to go and see them then don’t begrudge it. Likewise, when my grandchildren have stayed it often takes us ages to clear up but the house gets a good sort through in the process. It is not a problem.
One of my children will be moving to a different part of the UK soon. This is a natural thing to do and good luck to them. We have a plan to visit them and probably stay in an Airbnb then visit the area further their way and visit them again on the way back. We hope to see areas that we have not been to before.

I think OP's getting a bit of a hard time here. I get it, my DH's family are all very local and while it has its downsides, on the whole I'd say it's lovely, popping in and out of each other's houses is easy, not every visit has to be a big performance of onerous hosting etc, it could be a cup of tea and a biscuit for an hour then shoot off, visits can easily be timed for convenience of toddler naps or elderly people's routines, helping one another out with babysitting or other minor tasks like DIY is so simple and low effort but this is how you build and sustain that family bond through natural, regular, everyday reciprocal events. Whereas with my family who are scattered the length and breadth of the country, much as I love them, it is a hassle. Someone always has to travel, meaning visits inevitably are more infrequent and involve staying away from home for someone and someone else hosting them (or a very long day with lots of driving if attempting a meet halfway which can feel like the worst of both worlds), disruption to routines, sleep patterns, meals etc (which I know people will say shouldn't be more important than family relationships but does for the very young and very old make a big difference to comfort and mood), for the duration of the visit you're with one another constantly with no natural breaks, have to adapt to one another's needs and preferences and yes cost comes into it too, all around. It's just much easier for the inevitable little resentments and irritations that always happen in families to creep into becoming a bigger thing when you're having to lay out hundreds of pounds or spend weeks at a time dedicating all your time to other people...

Conversely to the mood of the thread OP, for longer visits I would recommend sticking with the Airbnb, it doesn't sound wildly expensive and I think it's important to have your own comfortable space to retreat to and to try and be in a homely environment. I wouldn't want to live in a Travelodge for a week unless it was literally just to sleep in, but sounds as though you and your family don't really want you spending every waking moment at their house, and although I suppose it would be possible to spend mornings and evenings out you'll probably end up spending more than you save that way. I think if moving closer isn't an option I'd actually try and throw more money if anything at making visits more comfortable and enjoyable for everyone, otherwise resentment will just build up and up. You yourself say it's not the money per se, it's that you actually feel it's not that great a time for the money which I know is verboten for a grandparent to say as we're supposed to find our grandchildren so adorable and amazing that we're in heaven and would jump at the chance to camp with them in a cold puddle on the side of the North Circular, which I'm sorry to say, I adore my grandkids but I like my comforts too so it would be a no from me. Call me evil and neglectful and selfish if you like but it's how I feel and I think a lot of others feel the same too.

I'd say these trips need to be as nice if not nicer than as where you'd otherwise be going or spending your money - so book 1st class on the train or plane and make the journey itself enjoyable, comfortable accommodation, treat the grandchildren to lots of out of the house activities, or booking a holiday lodge of some kind with activities on site is a great shout, so you don't feel your own home is always in chaos if you're the host. Plan lots of small treats (for you as well as the kids) in and pace yourselves too is my advice otherwise veering from 'no responsibility, at home in own little bubble' to '100% dedicated 24/7 grandparent' is too much for everyone...

You say you can afford it OP so I would say to continue while you still can . Life is short , childhoods are fleeting . Money can not be taken with you . If you are comfortable then you should spend that money on things that make you happy ie seeing your family .

If you are struggling financially or physically then that is entirely different

Would you be open to house of pet sitting? Lots of websites for people who will let others stay at their for free if they look after animals / plants. My sister has travelled the world for free this way.

You might just need to be flexible with your timings but could be a compromise to visit without costing the earth.

Sadly otherwise I do think you’re stumped. You want to see grandkids that’s the reality

Absolutely this.

Your “problems” are entirely caused by your own too high standards.

Spend the money if you have it. My expenses for visiting my Grandchildren last year was just short of £5k and that was just travel. I have different grandchildren here at different times at my house over the summer. They all get some time here alone then i have them all for a week. I pay for the travel to ferry them here and back. They are my Grandchildren so i spend the money.