Grandchildren at other end of the country

[Tediousfindings]

I have two grandchildren at the other end of the country. Nine hour drive, five hours on a train, or an hours flight . We have to stay in an air b and b because they live in a very small house with no spare room. So each visit cost hundreds of pounds. If we go for four nights it is five hundred for the air b and b plus about £200 for travel. Inevitably we end up paying for food or taking them for a meal etc . We stayed for a week last year and it cost £1500.

They visit about once a year as the expense of travel is a lot for them too and they don't want to drive. Because it's such a long way they stay at least a week, sometimes nearly two weeks which I find quite stressful as they turn the house upside down and it takes all day with two of us to get it tidy again when they leave. I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with that.

I feel I'm really missing out on seeing them and feel very sad. If we visit every three months for a week that's about four grand ! We can afford it but it does seem like a huge expense especially since we aren't in the air b and b much at all.

We tried to move closer earlier this year but the situation has become complicated and we are stuck here. I feel really torn and upset about it all.

I just wonder what others on a similar position do. I have considered a travel lodge /premier inn but prefer to be able to make our own breakfast and maybe sit outside if there is a small garden.

In reality camping would only work May-September - you'd have an initial outlay of a few hundred for tent, airbeds, stove, other camping essentials, but over 2/3 years you'd certainly save money. If you had a bigger tent (always a good idea for extra comfortable space), grandchildren would love to stay with you once they hit 4+ as it's a great thing for children.

I do feel you are making out like you're a victim here, when it's actually a perfectly normal thing and that families navigate it all the time, with some compromise and good humour. depending on what your life is like, moving house feels like the obvious option to me - avoids you having to travel to see them or them staying and causing "chaos".

but I'd also reframe it in your mind. when we stay with my parents, I know they have to put quite a lot of effort in to make it work. But they don't resent that, they see that as a small price ot pay for us traveliing 6000 miles to see them.

Similarly, when they visit us, it's a large expensive undertaking but it's money well spent.

Ultimately, you'll need to make some compromises. spend the money or downgrade the accomodation or whatever it is that's necessary to make it work.

How much is the flight? can yoy come more often but for shorter periods?

Plus, why did they move so far away? I know a son who moved his family off grid. I also know why.

The other side of the coin is facetime. Not so good when they are babies but you really can build & maintain a relationship between visits with that. During lockdown some of my friends' parents were doing all sorts with their grandchildren by facetime, including baking and teaching maths. A little project "doing" or playing a game makes it easier to maintain.

I think a cheaper hotel room is worth the sacrifice of the garden. Find a way to do your own breakfasts anyway. My husband travels a lot and tends to take muffins and grapes. Book hotels and flights/trains far in advance, it'll make more difference to the cost than booking than the same notice would give you on AirBnB.

I'm not sure how old the children are (may have missed it) but longer visits can get trickier as they grow up and lives get busier with weekends activities. I think I'd try to embrace their visits. Tiring as they are, be a bit careful what you wish for. You can ask them to stay nearby if you need to.

I'm not sure sure about meeting in the middle. It's far enough that it would be quite a schlep for you both. Better to go by train or fly and do it at one end or the other I think.

It's really lovely that you are going to all this effort to see your grandchildren. Keep talking to your grown up child about it so you can keep it working for you both.

This is how my Mum acts, OP. I too, live at the opposite end of the country to her, and she acts like our house choice is out of spite - why didn't we get a bigger place so they can stay etc. Err - this is the mortgage we can afford, its not about you. We go up to visit, they come down a couple of times a year. Mum complained if we were there too much but then upset when we left. in short, she is mad i moved. Result? We now visit less and we stay at an Air bnb - she isn't happy about that either but it does work out better as teens/older kids/older parents all get some space. But - she will only be happy really if i move down the road like my sister did. You'll need to reframe this OP as it has put a strain on our relationship.

I would try a Travelodge or premier inn. TBH surely sitting in the garden is a small consideration? I mean its not sunny all year round, and both hotels have a good range of Breakfasts on offer .Or maybe a house swap with someone ? I think if you can afford it and you get to see DGC then its a amall price to pay really

My friend has this and she makes a big point of going once a month for 3 nights, and on one of the nights she babysits so her Dd and SIL can go out. She really makes sure they put that in the diary, and on the day she will take her grandson out for the day to a farm, park, etc. It is costly - she drives or takes the train - but they all really look forward to her visits! They took 6 months off abroad during maternity leave and she met up with them there for a week. I think it’s a brilliant set up.

Have you tried premier Inn? They're great, very comfortable bed, super dark rooms, lovely bathrooms. You're effectively paying a lot more to make your own breakfast and have a garden. You wouldn't stay in a premier Inn and eat at a local cafe, restaurant with a lovely garden? I can't imagine feeling that strongly about it that I would pay loads more if the cost was such a consideration.

Is moving completely off the cards? Might it be worth the cost given how much you spend each visit plus the children and yourselves getting older etc

It's frustrating to be so far away, but there are solutions to this which is great - so many people simply don't have alternative options. As other posters have rightly said, you can move, you can go for cheaper accommodation, you can meet halfway, or you can carry on as you are and bear the cost. You could also look at buying a small holiday home nearer your daughter.

The options can be as easy, cheap, difficult or expensive as you want them to be.

I would never move closer to family purely for that reason. What if they move again? Or would they feel obligated to stay in the same area because you’ve moved?

I think if you can afford it then so be it. If TravelLodge or whatever is cheaper then do that.

Feels like something out of nothing this.

As you can afford the travel, I'd keep doing what you're doing and perhaps try and go more. I certainly wouldn't let something like sitting outside stop me.

We have the same set up in our family. For years visits were curtailed because of the cost of staying in a really nice b&b that they were in for such a small amount of time, until a couple of years back the local Premier Inn was tentatively tried and they've never looked back. I would really encourage you to at least try other accomodation, even for a shorter trip at first.

Nothing stays the same forever - as our children are getting older we're gradually doing more of the travel too so things are becoming more balanced, but we so much appreciate the effort made to come to us for the most part while the kids were smaller

No of course it doesn't! The premier inn and travel lodge aren't in walking distance so we would have to rely on lifts or drive . Having breakfast in the air b and b means we don't impose on them for breakfast and means we can come over a bit later if we need to

Honestly you say you wanna see them more, but dont wana have them over. I think a days work is a small price to pay for them to visit 1-2 weeks.
My inlaws are all in australia and we visit once a year. Additionally sometimes DHs siblings come see us with their kids or his parents.
They usually stay 2 weeks minimum and even though we get along and have agreat time, they also turn everything upside down. We probably do the same at their house. Its just part of having family far away.

Buy pastries, fruit and yoghurt and eat them in your hotel room, or pay for the breakfast at the hotel, then drive to their house.

This is so doable that I wonder if something else is at play here?

My parents are in Ireland, we are in the UK. We travel once a year to see them and stay, I imagine they do have to spend a day cleaning up after we leave, but they seem to enjoy the visit. My parents come once or twice a year to see us. We also try to do a holiday somewhere together every year. That plus face time etc.

Why does it bother you so much if they mess your house? Surely, seeing them is more important than order?

Is there an issue with driving? Why would you need a lift?

Also you could have your premier inn breakfast and not impose on them and go over a bit later. Thanks not exclusive to staying in an Airbnb.

My grandparents were hundreds of miles away. Looking back it was a shame as I feel I would have learnt much from them. But I loved them both as they always made sure I knew I was loved by them.
When they are a bit older, invite them to come and stay at yours. Make sure you keep in touch in other ways. I would have loved letters. Old fashioned now, but they didn’t do emails then.

Are taxis an option, if you didn't want to drive?

If you're not in the airbnb much at all then get cheaper accommodation and have breakfast in your DD's garden.

It's also an idea to all meet up on holiday so no one has the pressure of having to host - my family lives all over the place so we often big family holidays in the UK and abroad with cousins/aunts/parents etc. You can either book one big house or all get your own accommodation and meet up (the latter works very well if you like a bit of downtime and also takes the pressure/responsibility off one person for finding accommodation that suits everyone)

When I was a kid we were lucky if we saw our grandparents more than twice a year. Once in the summer holidays and once at Christmas, they lived far away but not quite as far away as yours. They never came to visit us. I remember staying with my aunt and uncle as a child, I would share my cousins room, then later we would make the trip in a day. If the travelling is too much for you as a grandparent tell them. You may have to reduce the amount of visits and tell them to clean up after themselves as well.

The cheap motel is a great idea. If you drive you could even have a little car fridge in your boot for necessities. Or a caravan would work. I would aim to go twice a year and they could come once a year. Or more if you could afford it

Roof tent? Or I book airbnbs that are rooms in people’s houses - always with a small fridge and a private bathroom. In most areas of the uk, I can book a room for 40 quid a night. We use Airbnb in the uk a lot - either for work or for family holidays. We’ve never spent that much for a week - there are plenty for more inexpensive options in most of the country.

I would also be inclined to hire a camper van and combine the trip with visiting another part of the Uk - consider it a holiday.

OP, I think try the Travelodge on one occasion to see - yes it may not be perfect but worth a go to save the money and add a trip. It doesn’t have to be every time.

It’s a really tough situation - my parents’ other grandchildren are in Australia and so it costs £££ to go once a year. They still do.

I do think looking again at moving if you all get on might be good - assuming your son/daughter is settled there and not planning to move away! X

In the kindest possible way, you sound very set in your ways. Yes kids make more of a mess than hosting adults, but in your post you complain that you miss seeing them - tidying up for one day out of the entire year surely can't be that bad if it means you get to spend a week with them?
Again, you'd prefer to make your own breakfast and have outdoor space, which is totally fine, but if you're wanting to save money and a Premier Inn is cheaper, then eating a hotel breakfast and going out to the park for your outdoor space doesn't seem like a huge problem for a few days to me, but it's your choice isn't it, it depends what means more to you.
Children are only little for such a short time, the once a year tidy up after them won't be for many years and surely it's a small price to pay for spending the time with them that you clearly miss having.
Is there absolutely no way of moving closer to them?