Grandchildren at other end of the country

[Tediousfindings]

I have two grandchildren at the other end of the country. Nine hour drive, five hours on a train, or an hours flight . We have to stay in an air b and b because they live in a very small house with no spare room. So each visit cost hundreds of pounds. If we go for four nights it is five hundred for the air b and b plus about £200 for travel. Inevitably we end up paying for food or taking them for a meal etc . We stayed for a week last year and it cost £1500.

They visit about once a year as the expense of travel is a lot for them too and they don't want to drive. Because it's such a long way they stay at least a week, sometimes nearly two weeks which I find quite stressful as they turn the house upside down and it takes all day with two of us to get it tidy again when they leave. I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with that.

I feel I'm really missing out on seeing them and feel very sad. If we visit every three months for a week that's about four grand ! We can afford it but it does seem like a huge expense especially since we aren't in the air b and b much at all.

We tried to move closer earlier this year but the situation has become complicated and we are stuck here. I feel really torn and upset about it all.

I just wonder what others on a similar position do. I have considered a travel lodge /premier inn but prefer to be able to make our own breakfast and maybe sit outside if there is a small garden.

Gently, you say you can afford the £4k to visit every three months, so at present I think this is still the best solution for you.

You say you tried to move, but it got complicated - what was the reason the move fell through? Could you try again maybe?

It's not easy uprooting yourselves either though. You don't say how old you are, but it does get harder the older you get too.

You obviously have a good relationship with your family, and it's lovely that they want to come and stay with you. I would say maybe embrace the chaos and just pace yourself once they've gone to clear up the house.

The best solution really would be to move nearer if you can. Of course it is complicated - buying and selling is never easy but it can be achieved.

Our daughter was keen for us to move when her first child was born. We used this move nearer her to achieve that, but also the second advantage was to slightly downshift at the same time. We had a 17th century cottage with a huge garden, including an orchard - and I was already realising I wouldn't cope if anything happened to my husband. We were both worried that our house wouldn't sell because of it's very unusual nature - think quirky layout upstairs - but in fact it sold within two weeks, we found our onward purchase and the whole thing was achieved within five months, and the only reason it took that long was that we accommodated our buyer who was a teacher and needed to finish term at her school. Our forward purchase is a much newer (and lighter) house - actually larger than our cottage, but with a much more manageable garden. I was in my early sixties, my husband late fifties when we made the move - we had both been retired a few years at the time.

Time flies, already our grandson is seven and you do realise from your own experience as parents how fleeting childhood is. Maybe think again? There must be a workable solution for you. I hope you and your husband feel the same way about this? - that is the crux of the matter really. You both have to want to move for it to work happily for you. If you don't move I think the best solution is just to carry on with what you're doing for as long as you feel able.

What are you eating for breakfast ?

You could buy a small portable plug-in fridge box and leave at their house, ask them to just buy stuff for your breakfasts and meet you with it.

No offence intended but wanting to make your own breakfast unless you have severe allergies or complex dietary requirements is a bit daft. Plus the garden bit, again it’s just for a few days.

We have this situation with my side of the family who live about 400 miles away from us. As well as visiting each other, we also often meet up for a week in a holiday cottage somewhere in the middle. As you say, a week in a cottage near their house is pricy for not really using the cottage, so actually making a holiday out of it can work better. We also do a weekly video call which is good for kids showing new toys etc to grandparents and keeping in touch properly.

You need a massive mindset change. You have one problem. You currently live further away from your family than is convenient.

There are mitigations and solutions for that and you're not happy with any of them, for legitimate or absolutely ridiculous reasons (making your own breakfast and being able to sit outside in a hotel setup for a week!) Come on OP you're an adult, get your priorities straight and your problems in perspective. You can solve this if you want to or you can continue to whine and wring your hands

You can downgrade your accommodation, budget hotels have a kettle, bring supermarket pastries or something. They even have breakfast as an add on. Or stay for fewer nights. If of you can afford it just do it, if you want to see them then why are you making it an issue? Regarding mess after they've visited either ask them to help before leaving or pace yourself. You seem hung up on small details and not what's actually important.

I’d probably try to move closer again rather than making excuses. If it means this much to you, that’s the obvious solution. FIL used to live in Devon but moved to North Yorkshire a few years ago to be closer to GC.

Get cheaper accommodation is surely the obvious solution

I think if your priority is spending time with the family then you will just have to compromise. Your post feels like you want it all on the terms of what’s best for you. Sacrificing making your own breakfast or sitting in the garden is such a small sacrifice out should barely register. You say you can adore the 4k so surely that’s worth it for time with your family? Only 1 day to tidy and a bit of chaos while they’re here- again, is it not worth it to see them?
I know I’d move heaven and earth to stay in the lives of my kids and grandkids. What you’ve described is very little.

I think this post could have alternatively (and more honestly) been written "My adult child moved to the opposite end of the country and I'm angry about it and feeling sorry for myself"

Are you the poster who had a reverse thread about how resentful you are about DD moving away?

I agree with PP. The breakfast thing is weird. Just book a cheap hotel and save money.

Presumably you also have a child living at the other end of the country.

Why the focus on grandchildren - don't you want to see your own child?

You sound very resentful of the cost of this as though your child chose to have a very small house to spite you.

I imagine you have a larger house as you are able to accommodate them when they spend the time and money to visit you, when they are likely having to sacrifice annual leave for this.

Can you try and see it from their point of view?

Meeting half way is a very good solution and it shares the burden of cost and chaos and travel time.

Yes I've been thinking this. Looking for somewhere that would work halfway.

If you're barely in the accommodation, could you get an AirBnB which is a room in someone's house? These are often a lot cheaper.

I just wonder what others on a similar position do. I have considered a travel lodge /premier inn but prefer to be able to make our own breakfast and maybe sit outside if there is a small garden.

Well it’s is up to you isn’t it. it feels like you’re finding problems.
You think £1500 is too expensive to stay in an Airbnb for the week, especially considering you barely spend any time in the Airbnb. But you don’t want a cheaper hotel option because you want to be able to sit in a garden. When you have an Airbnb, how much time do you actually spend in the garden, considering you said yourself you barely get to spend time at the Airbnb?

As for breakfast, what are you having that’s so important you need to do it yourself? Can you not just have the hotel breakfast and enjoy your special home made breakfast the other 48 weeks of the year when you’re at home?

I just feel like the breakfast and the garden are really feeble reasons for not getting a hotel. You’re complaining that £1500 is too much for a week, even though you have the money, and you could pay less for a hotel but you don’t want to.

If breakfast and sitting outside is such a big deal, get a tent and stay on a campsite. That will be cheap and cheerful but solve your issues

So passive aggressive

Not really, seems a good option considering your priorities

If its only an hours flight away, could you do more daytrips? Fly out in the morning, fly back in the evening?

The obvious choice would be to change your accommodation. Rather than spending £120 on an airbnb per night switch to more budget friendly hotels. Unless you truly believe that having a garden to sit in for an hour or two is worth £80 a day.... In which case, you can afford it, albeit begrudgingly.

Can you maybe offer to book a centre parks type holiday for everyone during half terms. Somewhere half way between both houses. That way you dont have the full stress of hosting, you get to all spend quality time together but your house doesn't suffer from inevitable chaos. And everyone feels like they've had a bit of a holiday. Would be a similar budget to visiting them for a week.

My friend is in this exact situation, also nine hours away from her dd and dgc and she bought a camper van.

Alternate Airbnb with a travel lodge and you've almost halved your expense. Plus by not moving you will have saved thousands so visit as often as you wish.

The camping was actually a good suggestion, as is a caravan/campervan.
agree with pp I would look for somewhere halfway. Even consider buying a static caravan or lodge so you can all use it.

I have a grandson in Australia who I am only able to see once a year if that. But Facetime is a thing! He's only little but I chat with him and his mum on Facetime once a week or so and it works brilliantly to keep in touch.

"If we go for four nights it is five hundred for the air b and b plus about £200 for travel. Inevitably we end up paying for food or taking them for a meal etc . We stayed for a week last year and it cost £1500."

People are talking about an airbnb costing 1500, but surely it's the whole week that cost 1500.

Do check out caravan/camping grounds that have great facilities and a warm tent type canapy and bedding that fits on top of your car. My friend uses one when travelling to visit grandchildren regularly.

Other options could be to search for a house sit in their town.

Or to join a house swap holiday group. While you are away another couple stays in your home.

It seems like having the family to stay is still viable as only one day to tidy up is reasonable and the children will learn civility with age.

Look again into moving closer; you miss them.