Children unfazed that our cat has died

[Koolkatz]

My beloved cat died very unexpectedly in the night last week. He was a big part of our family. My 7 and 10 year old have barely reacted. My 10 year old cried initially, but since then they have shown no negative emotion. They haven’t asked questions about him, and if I bring him up they are able to laugh at happy memories. They immediately went back into their own happy routine.

I dont want them to be devastated but I did expect something more than this. He had been part of the family for 10 years so such little reaction is making me wonder if they didn’t have a bond.

Does anyone else have experience of this? Or can understand why?

I think you will find it's perfectly normal for children to react like this . They don't understand they will never see them again . I am so sorry for the loss if your beloved pet .

I remember being sorry when we lost our cats when I was a child but not really upset. I think we’re possibly more upset as adults because we’re the ones who are responsible for our pets, we do the active caring - the real loving rather than just fondness iyswim?

I also think children are just naturally resilient and hard wired to bounce back from being upset in a way that adults aren’t. We are more reflective, children live much more in the moment.

When my nan died when I was about 8, I have a strong memory of “acting” upset. I knew my parents would expect me to act in a certain way and so I did. But I handled my real feelings inside, when I was alone. It’s how I’ve dealt with other losses since.

If I speak to friends/family about their children’s experience of loosing a pet it’s that the child was very upset, and it came in waves. Same for when I’ve looked at previous threads on here.
I remember my cat dying when I was 9 and I was upset for ages. Obviously I don’t want them upset for ages but to have so little reaction almost feels insulting to his memory and I feel disappointed (I know I’m overreacting but I am grieving, and I would never say any of this to them)

Thanks it’s helpful to hear others experiences to try and put it into context. I almost feel embarrassed when friends ask how they are coping, because they’ve been completely fine.

My kids were the same when our cat died. I was pretty shocked because they adored her and my oldest in particular had been worrying for years about her dying. But when it happened they all just hugged me and moved on.

It s fine and normal

They're either in denial and have PTSD or they're cold-hearted psychopaths.
Get bereavement counselling arranged for them.

Sorry for your loss.
Your kids sound normal.

Kids live in the moment. They might need therapy when they are older though. A question how would it have been if it was the other way round. Would the cat have noticed or mourned the absent child? Probably not.

I hope that wasn’t meant seriously!
…xpost with your edit!

My children were similar about the dog we had when they were young. I always felt that he was a fabulous family dog but when I asked them about it years later, they all said that they thought of him as more my dog.
I think the ages of the children may be a factor too. When another dog died a few years later, one of my sons was very upset and emotional. I suppose they also had a different bond. She was very extrovert, like him.
I think we all handle things, especially grief, in very different ways. I worried that my children were so seemingly unaffected but I suppose it is good that they didn’t feel pressured to pretend.
They are all grown up now and I think I am still the most emotional when it comes to the animals.
I am sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Of course it wasn't. They're kids. At that age I'd not have been upset. When DCat died a few years ago I was distraught.

Thank you for this post OP. I have actually found it very reassuring!

DD was like this. We lost one (her cat) who was hit by a car, DD was 13. All cats became indoor immediately. Two months later our oldest (16) had to be put down. She’d had him with her throughout her life. She has not reacted about either other than a brief cry at the time. She’s autistic with a PDA profile so I don’t think she experiences the same emotional processes that usually happen. In a way I’m very glad she hasn’t. Both have utterly devastated me and it still hurts like hell. I’d rather have it this way around than the opposite. They were my babies and the only way I can cope is to pretend it didn’t happen, that’s when I know it’s too awful for me to process. I kind of envy that she’s not stuck in the same cycle but I’m so, so bloody glad that she isn’t!

I can't remember being sad for ages when a pet died as a child.
Probably felt a bit down for a day or two but we lived on a farm with a lot of pets and if we didn't bounce back from pet death we would have spent a lot of time miserable!
I have pets now as an adult and they are very much loved, looked after and generally spoiled in life however, most animals have a significantly shorter lifespan than people and I realise at some point my cat/dogs are going to die and I will have to deal with it. I have never spent weeks/months grieving a pet so I think your kids are very normal.

I think as adults doing the day to day pet care we see sides to our pets that you don't if they're just in the house. I see my dog's eyebrows raise when I attempt to hold his food bowl away for too long. He comes to sit with me while I work all day and likes to stick his chin right on my leg just as I'm about to start the all important presentation.

My dc just see him in the house and on walks but they don't interact in this closer way.

My nanny died when I was 8 and I definitely didn't really understand it then. I didn't feel much sadness but I knew my dad was devastated.
A family cat died when I was about 10. I cried for a bit but got over it pretty quickly. He was a cat I loved and played with everyday.
I was just a child in both these instances.

I remember when my grandma died and I told my then 6 year old I was crying because I’d miss her and I was really really sad. She just turned to me and said “don’t worry, I’m not sad”. It felt brutal but was the honest truth. Their brains and emotions aren’t developed into teenage brains with loads of feelings yet.

Children don’t have a linear reaction to grief. I am doing some sessions with MIND right now for my little boy who has anxiety, and it’s something they say often.

We’ve lost several family dogs when our children have been around those ages, and apart from initially acknowledging it was sad, they’ve carried on as normal.
Children live in the moment so take things at face value, sometimes a few months later we’d be doing something or going somewhere the dogs would have loved and one of them would say they missed them at that moment.
Our remaining dog is now 11, children are 13,11 and 6, when she dies I expect it to hit my eldest differently this time around as he is older and will never remember a time without her.

People handle grief in different ways.

We lost our youngest cat to the road in March and while I was upset for the first couple of days it’s not something I’ve dwelt on or really thought much about since. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him or don’t miss him but I’ve just never been one to grieve - even when humans have died it’s all a bit “oh, okay” and then I move on.

When our cat died my DC were similar ages. They cried at first - the youngest was ok but my eldest was inconsolable for a day or so.
Then they were fine (I’m sure they were still sad but not visibly upset) 4 months later we got another cat who’s now been with us for 13 years so the majority of their lives. I’m dreading her demise, she’s dodged death a few times now.

Your DC cpukd hr sad but not so much that they’re crying etc

I think it’s pretty normal. One of our kittens went missing for a few days, I was upset at the thought of her being lost. DD5 patted me on the shoulder and said “it’s OK, we can get another one” then got quite annoyed when we found her because she had “wanted a brown one”. Friends had to have their elderly cat put to sleep, walked in their front door from the vets straight after it happened and their two kids asked if they could get a dog.