Children unfazed that our cat has died

[Koolkatz]

My beloved cat died very unexpectedly in the night last week. He was a big part of our family. My 7 and 10 year old have barely reacted. My 10 year old cried initially, but since then they have shown no negative emotion. They haven’t asked questions about him, and if I bring him up they are able to laugh at happy memories. They immediately went back into their own happy routine.

I dont want them to be devastated but I did expect something more than this. He had been part of the family for 10 years so such little reaction is making me wonder if they didn’t have a bond.

It definitely is irrational to be disappointed in or irritated by your children healthily responding to an upsetting but extremely normal experience and now questioning your entire family bond. I get that you're grieving but that's an extreme reaction.

Play it out a bit more: what if they're not actually that bothered? What if they liked the cat but aren't traumatised or devastated by them not being here any more - what does that change for you? Why would that make you question how they feel about you/your family unit? What meaning are you attaching to that - do you think it makes them bad/weird/nasty children?

They are absolutely distracted by having other pets in the house. And what I've learnt about cats is that much as we love them - and we do - it's a different relationship to any dogs in the house.

When we lost our first cat, DS was about7. I was also really surprised by how little he seemed to grieve. DD, who was 3, barely noticed.

When we lost our dog, the DC were older and it was awful - everyone was grieving and it was really upsetting. We then lost our second cat and that was awful, but again, not in the same way for the DC, especially as we had recently got another kitten and they were distracted with him.

I haven't cried when any of my relatives or pets have died. I don't know why. I used to worry that there was something wrong with me. Maybe a was a psychopath or something. But I dont think its that. I just grieve differently.

We’re all different. I was relieved rather than upset when my dad died. He was very close to him but he was very ill and my overwhelming emotion was relief that his suffering was over. I went to work the next day. My brother had 2 weeks off work due to the grief. DM kept on calling me in floods of tears due to Tne grief. My best friend actually criticised me for now showing any grief but I didn’t feel any.

Same reaction for all the kids I know. Upset when told but then fine.

This reminded me of my reaction when we had to put our dog to sleep because of a congenital issue when he was relatively young. I was 7 and upset when my parents told me but I don't think I mentioned it much after that. My parents were devastated to put a dog down so young so may have been surprised by my behaviour.

The dog we got a year later and the cat we got in my teens I had longer with and more maturity to think of them as a family member rather than just animals that live in the house. I was devastated to lose them and grieved at uni.

I don't think their reaction is that unusual.

When my sister's cat died (the sort of cat who is a bit of a local legend, was in the local news etc) I was very sad, briefly.

When my childhood cat died when I was 24 I was fucking devastated. The bond was just totally different. And in fact, they had got me that cat to replace another pet that was killed by a fox - which again, I was sad about, but not devastated.

In fact, I couldn't even listen to a random Queen song afterwards (All Dead, All Dead) - I found out years later that Brian May wrote it about his own beloved childhood cat's death, many years after the fact!

I’m the same, both with pets who I’ve absolutely adored, and with family members. It doesn’t mean I loved them any less than others, just that I deal with grief differently. It’s something that happens in life, and although very sad, I just carry on as it’s not something that can be changed. I’m NT.

I think it's fine. They might like the cat but feel at the end of the day it was 'just a pet". Our kids (teens) both loved our cat who died after 13 years last year but only DS was affected by it, in knew it wasn't oldest's way. I also loved her and was sad but not devastated.

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I was very upset when my pets died as a child, but I notice my child wasn’t quite as upset as I thought she would be. Immersed in her little world of her friends, screen time etc. I noticed over the coming weeks that she would write in her journal about him (DDog).

She told me she was upset that I was so upset-could it be that? Maybe children today are more desensitised by social media - I suspect they are.

Our 15yo cat died at the weekend. Slightly different as we had a few weeks knowing he was unwell and I had tried my best to prepare our 11yo that he may not bounce back.

She was away at the weekend on a trip, so I collected her and took her to the vets so she could say her last goodbye. We were all very upset in the moment, and she has asked for some of his ashes, and for me to print out some of her favourite pictures of them together. But on the whole her day to day life seems to have continued as usual, which is the way it should be really.

DP and I are still very upset as he was our first 'baby' and I had a big cry this morning over a stash of uneaten cat treats I found in the cupboard. It's very hard, and you have my sympathy, but don't be annoyed with the kids, they don't grieve in the same way as adults.

Normal for kids. My step sons Nan died and everyone was so sure he’d be devastated, but he cried once and then went on with his life. I had a feeling that would happen.

I remember being a child and crying when a family friend died because I felt that’s what you were supposed to do / what everyone was expecting as they stared at me waiting for my reaction, but I actually felt quite blank. I think a lot of the time the undeveloped brain just doesn’t comprehend it like adult ones.

Im 43 and have never been upset about a death yet. I dont think I'm cold hearted but can be very "out of sight, out of mind"

The reality is many people, both kids and adults, see pets as pets and while they love and care for them don’t have the same level of intense feeling for them that many others (and many of MN) do, where they consider them the same level as a child or other close family member. It’s perfectly normal. You can also reframe the question from the other direction and argue that their reaction is reasonable and normal and you perhaps should be asking if your reaction is too much?

My friend's husband died in a very tragic accident and her 5 year old (who had been close to him) wasn't that bothered. She would ask when he was coming home and bringing her sweets, but was never upset about it, whilst my friend and her older dc were left reeling. Friend was so concerned that the dd was not reacting normally she went to a clinical psychologist, who said that dc that young don't see death as final due to their age, and often as long as their primary care giver is still around they aren't impacted as such.

When I was an older teen, the family dog died at the age of 12 years old and then we lost 2 cats on the road within 2 months of each other. It left my DSis and me in particular reeling, but looking back it didn’t leave me long-term with a feeling of loss, as we had other cats and the dog had been ill for some time.

But when I lost a beloved cat in my early 40s (she had been with me since before I’d met my DH), I was completely devastated.

When my DHs mum died, I found my DD, 9 st the time, had crossed out her name and address in my address book and had written “she has died” over the space. I think dc can get a bit sad over a death, but they move on pretty quickly. A child, and then as an adult, could have a lifetime of cats. You cannot be devastated about all of the cats you might own. We certainly laugh about the personality of ours and what our dog did but we don’t get in a state over pet deaths. DD had her hamster die on her lap when she was 8. Life and death happen.

It's all normal really OP.
My DC barely cried when their grandma died. It was their first experience of death and essentially they were looking to see how DH and I were reacting, they didn't have a template to follow and didn't understand the finality of it - 10 & 8 at the time. DH wasn't teary (his DM), but I was- she was lovely and is much missed by us all. They were still children distracted by their own worlds really.

I was similar as a child too. Now I'm an adult, and depending on who it is and what stage they were at in their lives I grieve differently for each loss. Mostly inside my own head when things are quiet.

Sorry to hear about your cat is no longer with you, OP.

Not quite the same thing, but when DH's DF died, DD was seven. We broke it to her when she go up, and her reaction was, 'OK, what's for breakfast'. We let her eat her breakfast, asked her if she wanted a chat, 'no' and off she went to school.

The thing is, you’ve had him for 10 years and you, as an adult, will have conscious memory of all of those 10 years. Your 10 and 7 year olds won’t.
You’re trying to assign adult emotions to children, and expecting them to react how an adult would.

My grandad died when I was 7. I remember being told when I got home from school. I was then told I could miss Brownies that night and I was upset because I knew we were making cakes at Brownies and didn’t want to miss it, so my mum let me go.

Yes I agree with this. I love my pets and care for them very well, but I’ve never felt the intense ‘grief for loss of a family member’ that is often talked about on here. I don’t know if it’s because my brother died when we were young so the death of a pet just didn’t compare.

I would have been inconsolable as a child had I been allowed to have a cat . I guess some children just don’t really bother about animals even if their parents do.

Everyone is different, including children.

When our family dog died I expected devastation from DC but it didn't happen.

In fact, a few days after, my eldest said as I was bringing in shopping with the front door open, "it's good we don't have to worry about Ddog running outside and getting run over anymore". But at other times said he missed them.

I don't think you should project your feelings or expectations onto them.

i would question the credentials of that clinical psychologist - or, to give them the benefit of the doubt, question whether in her own grief your friend misunderstood what was being said. To say that a child isn’t necessarily impacted by the death of a parent, even if not the primary care giver, is frankly shocking and absolutely untrue.

There is a lot of research around childhood bereavement and the negative impact this can have throughout life. Children may grieve differently to adults and this can be misinterpreted as them not grieving or as being unaffected by the loss.

A quick google brings up several resources that provide information, help and support around this including child bereavement uk, the childhood bereavement network, Winston’s wish and sandy bear (I’m not in the uk so just googled child bereavement uk).