Children unfazed that our cat has died

[Koolkatz]

My beloved cat died very unexpectedly in the night last week. He was a big part of our family. My 7 and 10 year old have barely reacted. My 10 year old cried initially, but since then they have shown no negative emotion. They haven’t asked questions about him, and if I bring him up they are able to laugh at happy memories. They immediately went back into their own happy routine.

I dont want them to be devastated but I did expect something more than this. He had been part of the family for 10 years so such little reaction is making me wonder if they didn’t have a bond.

Be careful not to force them into performative grieving (or in any way subconsciously make them feel that them to make you feel less sad is for them to performatively grieve).

Death is a big thing for a child to cope with. I remember not really reacting when my grandfather died. It may well have been upsetting for my mum to see me outwardly not reacting, but I was dealing with it in my own way.

yeah that’s your autism.

I think it affects children very differently.

My children’s first pets were two gerbils and the children were 6 and 9 when we got them. We had them for two years and then sadly lost them both 5
months apart. Both children, (who were then 8 and 10) were distraught when it happened.

My oldest child moved on pretty quickly whereas the youngest child (now 9 years old), even though it’s been over a year since we lost them, still talks about them and gets upset. He has photos of them in his room, is always saying how much he misses them and is still genuinely upset that we no longer have them (they really were the loveliest, friendliest, playful and tamest gerbils ever).

We now have a pet cat who both children adore but my youngest still talks about the gerbils all the time.

I think like all people, loss just affects everyone differently, and children especially feel differently about it than adults do and have a different understanding about what it means.

Please dont read too much into it at this age.

I’m really sorry about your loss, I remember when I lose my first cat (I was 21 and I’d had him for about 10 years) and I was devastated. It took a long time for me to readjust to him not being in my life and in my home anymore x

Maybe, but I also know lots of neurotypical people who are the same way. Everyone is different and just because someone doesn’t react the way you do, doesn’t mean they’re wrong or uncaring or deserve for people to be angry and cross with them.

If these heartless children are not upset, yell at them until they are.

@crumpet thank you, yes I am very conscious of that. This is their first experience of loss too so I am trying to handle it sensitively. I had never considered they would react this way so I just needed reassurance it was a normal response. I have made sure I haven’t expressed my feelings about their responses to them as I know that would be damaging.

I didn't cry when my grandmothers died and I was an adult. They were old One had dementia and died of old age. The other one had been ready to die for about 3 years.
I miss them but I miss the younger, healthy them.

One grandfather died a few months before I was born and the other when I was a few weeks old.

A close relative died when I was in the younger years at primary school. I didn't cry or feel sad because I thought they'd gone to Heaven. (They probably had. I'm sad now because it was somebody wonderful.)

OP, I don’t have children and just clicked into this from active - but I am so sorry to hear about your lovely cat. If you feel up to it come over to the Litter Tray board where there are lots of cat people, most of us who sadly know your loss in some way or another.

You dont know lots of lots of NT who are not at all affected by the death of loved ones.

Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise you knew my friends and family better than I do 🙄

I also never said they weren’t at all affected, just that they didn’t outwardly show much grief nor did they cry.

So “death has never upset me” and lots of NT people are the same way is what I was commenting on.

NT people feel grief when a loved one dies, although there are stages of it. That is a NT response to death, people demonstrate it different ways but they absolute are affected by grief.

It’s normal. Children are exceptionally resilient and often accept death easier than adults. I’ve taught my children that death is a part of life - that you can’t have sunshine without rain

The first death they experienced was the loss of a very loved aunt, very very close to DS, and whilst I know they think of her often, and are sad at her not being here anymore, they have their own private thoughts and grieved in a very different way than I expected. No tears at all. They remember the good things about her and what she taught them. I think of her often too - she was my biggest support and source of advice when I had my first child. Amazing woman - her smile was like a warm hug. I well up when I think of her even now, 6 years later.

We’ve also recently experienced the death of a 3 month old baby in the family and for that I sat down and spoke to both children about why she died (very poorly baby, would have had a very limited and severely painful life with lots of surgeries and likely nothing but palliative care - it was kinder for her to just slip away in her mothers arms knowing nothing but love). Again no tears - nothing but sympathy for the baby and parents from them. They just remember her little feet and little fingers curling round theirs

I know I'm probably in a minority and sound weird, but I remember being more upset about losing cats as a child than about losing grandparents (although we weren't close, obviously)

My DD was very upset for days when our cat died when she was seven and was so upset I couldn't take her to school when our cat nearly died a year or so ago age 13 (he was having seizures, so quite distressing)

Edit to add that my DD is autistic. She was very upset at my dad's funeral too

I was sad at age 6 when my pet mice had to be put to sleep (tumours) but I got over it. My next experience of death was when my great uncle died and my mum went to his house a long way away to help care for him. But that didn’t register either I didn’t know him.

I think children process death in different ways, maybe there’s delayed grief. My 8 year old nephew said in front of me and his mum the other day that you feed live mice to a snake. We immediately put him right but he wasn’t thinking of the death of the mice and he’s just turned 8.

@Koolkatz try not to be disappointed at your children's reactions. I lost pets before the age of about 10 and I didn't really grieve about them in the way my mother would, I might have had a little cry the first day and then probably been quite happy to get a new kitten or rabbit. I think as a child you're just wired differently. As an adult I've had a cat die and cried for days. I still miss them terribly. It must be hard to feel the grief while the children have seemingly moved on very quickly, but they are resilient at that age and have different brains and I imagine as adults they would feel and react very differently

So sorry for your loss, my beloved cat died last week too, she was hit by a car. I have had a similar experience to you with my children so reading these posts is reassuring, I had been looking into it and learning about how children don't always tend to experience grief in the same way as adults. My daughter is 7 and had such a close bond with the cat, I was so worried about how she would cope when she died and then it happened so suddenly and unexpectedly, but actually after the initial upset she has seemed to be coping well. She is autistic though and struggles with emotions so I am keeping an eye on her as it could be that her grief comes out in other ways.

My son is only 5 and just talks about getting another one. I am devastated and grieving more than I have for family members, so it's strange to see how we are all coping differently. Like others have said, as the cat 'parent' and carer we have such a bond with them, we are responsible, we feel the guilt, everything, and don't live in the moment the way kids do.

Grief doesn’t always mean being openly upset though, that’s my point. Lots of people internalise or remember the good times and don’t feel openly sad when people or animals die - especially if the death has been long drawn out or was very much expected.

I get upset when people are unwell and struggling for months or years, not when their suffering is over.

I think this is fairly normal. I was upset when my childhood dogs died, but got over it quickly - my mum was upset for much longer. When my dog died last year I was completely devastated and still shed the odd tear over it 18 months later. Again, my dc were upset on the day, but haven’t held onto it like I have.

From my own experience, I was sad initially when a pet passed but I had much more important relationships with family and friends. I wasn't devastated.

This is normal. They sound like healthy, resilient kids.

This is a good thing surely

Or maybe just her personality or reflective of her relationship with her grandparents? Not feeling grief is not an autistic trait.

I never found it too upsetting to lose pets. It's sad, but it's never felt devastating for me. I think people are just wired differently. We had a string of cats and dogs throughout my childhood and the sad stage of losing a dog to old age coincided with the excitement of getting a new one. I've always viewed them as passing figures in our lives.
Now, I may feel differently in the future cause my own pets as an adult have longer life spans and after 30 years together it will be harder.

Kids are funny about pets. My 9 year old begged us for years to get a cat, my 15 year old always wanted a dog. Last year we got a kitten, now my 9 year old is having trouble accepting the annoyances that come with pets, and wishes we'd never got the kitten. Meanwhile the 15 year old adores the kitten. I doubt the 9 year old would be upset if it died peacefully.

We’ve had a very similar experience here this week - our beautiful cat was nearly 17 and has been struggling with arthritis and stomach issues for a while so not completely unexpected, but she went downhill really quickly and we had to make the decision to have her put to sleep. My SD(13) didn’t cry, didn’t seem upset whatsoever when saying goodbye before school and didn’t want to come to the vets either. She hasn’t even brought her up in conversation this past week and hasn’t been bothered when talking about her.

Sending huge hugs OP - if you feel anything like I do, a little piece of my heart has gone with her 😢💕