Children unfazed that our cat has died

[Koolkatz]

My beloved cat died very unexpectedly in the night last week. He was a big part of our family. My 7 and 10 year old have barely reacted. My 10 year old cried initially, but since then they have shown no negative emotion. They haven’t asked questions about him, and if I bring him up they are able to laugh at happy memories. They immediately went back into their own happy routine.

I dont want them to be devastated but I did expect something more than this. He had been part of the family for 10 years so such little reaction is making me wonder if they didn’t have a bond.

In my family I would have been devastated - as I was from my first goldfish dying, to the guinea pig, to an injured seagull. My sister not so much. I feel emotions very strongly and was almost born with an innate bond to animals. We are all different. My own children were upset but not devastated when losing a cat-even a dog. Now my son has his own 'first dog', I can see how much he adores that goofy golden retriever and I know he shall be devastated if anything happens to him. My deep emotional feelings have been both a blessing and a curse in life - but mostly a blessing for the animals I've rescued and loved!

I cried every night for about a year when my rabbit died when I was 11, and was devastated when my cats died as a teenager. I have a cat now (I’m in my 50s) and will be upset when she dies but don’t imagine it will be the depths of grief I reached as a child as I’m a lot more well adjusted now!

OP I think your DC’s reaction are more in the realm of normal than mine, and would rather they have that reaction than mine, it shows they have a stable emotional base IMO.

I remember having my cat put down as a child. My mum was in bits. I just got on with it. She was old and not cuddly any more. The cat not my mum. I wanted a new kitten to play with. When said kitten died and I was about 17 I was in bits. Just depends how bonded they were with the cat at that point

lol !

She was old and not cuddly any more. The cat not my mum.

!!!! very funny.

some kids are just less emotional, let them have their feelings. The Mel Robbins podcast on this is good - not the whole book malarkey but orginal podcast episode.

Quite surprised at the responses here.... My children were absolutely devastated when one of our cats died, they utterly worship our remaining cat and miss him when on holiday! They were sad for days about the one that died and have pictures of that cat in their bedrooms.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/puddle-jumping

It’s really common for children to process grief differently to adults. You may find they have moments of sadness going forwards and then seem to recover quickly, then will be sad again in the future- all totally normal and nothing to do with not caring.

The 10 year old did seem very bonded with him and an animal person so their reaction has really surprised me. We do have another cat and two fairly young dogs so I wonder if that’s softened the blow.

I wouldn’t want my children to be devastated and I can see my reaction to losing pets during my childhood was unhealthy and more about unresolved loss (my father had left us two years before but it was a subject we were never able to discuss so I think that effected the way I grieve).

However the level of unfazed from both children has left me feeling disappointed. Because he was the best cat and part of our family. It’s left me doubting the bond we all have.

Everything I read/everyone I have spoken to with children a similar age talks about tears, questions, waves of grief. But apart from brief tears from the 10 year old when told her we have had nothing. So it is helpful to read about anyone who has had a similar experience or your views overall.

I meant to say last night, you bringing him up in conversation and the kids being able to laugh at happy memories is healthy for sure. Part of them not being excessively upset may be that you’re handling it well with them OP, however you may be feeling themselves.

I haven’t been hiding my grief they can see I am very upset and not myself. But I have been doing all the things I can to help them like remembering happy memories and looking at photos together. So perhaps you’re right.
I have always spoken to them about how the cats will die one day, so I maybe that is helped. Maybe because they feel very secure and happy in their home that has helped too. That’s what I hope but I can’t help feel disappointed in their lack of reaction.

My cat suffered a huge seizure from no where. He had been healthy and active, there were no warning signs. I was with him when it happened and I can’t get the vision out of my head. The injustice of him being dying when he had so many more years to live is very difficult. But I suppose the children did not see that, they probably thought of him as being elderly and don’t understand how he died.

Did the children see the cat dead?
Did you involve them in any ritual of burial in the garden?

As a child, I remember being outwardly very sad that my cat died for a day but I still felt and feel pangs of loss inside when I remember good times, see photos of him and when I passed his burial spot.

I’m so sorry Koolkatz. That must have been very hard for you. But be reassured, your kids are responding within the wide range of normal.

It’s fine - mine were the same with our dog. Was expecting a bigger reaction but I was relieved when that didn’t happen. 10 year old cried once and was over it within a few hours. The 7 year old was barely phased. My teen was out the country but I think he would have been the saddest if he had actually been here when it happened.

I agree with this. And think it is how far more people than will admit react to grief.

Life is for the living.

You are not alone OP. Our beloved cat, who was only 5 years old or so, suddenly died and I found the unexpected loss very hard. I thought DS would be really affected by it as they had such a lovely bond but he appeared to not be affected much at all. He was about 10 at the time. I remember that it surprised me at the time.

Our cat died when my twins were 8.

one child was really upset and cried for a few days.
the other asked if we could get a new kitten and if we could cut the body up so we could see what was inside.

They are both adults now and neither of them goes around cutting anybody up (both are vegan).

We haven’t had his ashes back yet, but when we do we will be burying them in the garden and making a little memorial area. Maybe some more emotions will come out then? But I really don’t think they will as they just seem fine about it.
It feels insulting to his memory and makes me feel very disappointed in them that there doesn’t seem to be sadness. I know I am being irrational and that this is my grief but I cannot understand it.

Sorry for the loss of your cat.

My kids were really upset over the loss of their guinea pigs.

A year or so later, my mum died, she’d been a wonderful grandma to them, they were very close to her. They were sad but were honestly less emotional about that than the guinea pigs. I found that really hard. I had to hide it but I was almost cross with them.

I know they loved her very much and were patient, kind and loving with her in her final months (Alzheimer’s), I was so proud of them. But they still cried more over the bloody guinea pigs. I guess it was the sudden nature.

Kids are just resilient I think.

You feel "insulted" that your young children don't react the same way to the death of your cat as you did, a grown adult with a stronger both with the animal?... Wtf. That's extreme. You can't police how other people grieve.

Are they nervous to show extreme emotions (or any) around you, if this is your reaction? Genuinely, let them be. Your feelings are your own, and so are theirs. Neither is right or wrong, but dissecting their reaction is pointless. Maybe they don't need to talk over every feeling, maybe they don't like you openly grieving the same way you don't like them not.

This is your grief - it really is a you thing not a them thing. Don’t blame yourself for that either though! - grief isn’t a rational thing.

Please don’t let your children know that you feel this way - their behaviour is very normal (as is yours).

Lots of people don’t grieve even as adults - they just feel a bit sad and carry on. It doesn’t mean they’re heartless or unkind or don’t care.

I remember our childhood cat dying. I just wanted to know if it meant I could have a guinea pig. As an adult, loosing my beloved cats has been devastating.

I wasn’t upset when any of my grandparents died. I didn’t cry or even feel particularly sad and I was in my mid-twenties when the last one passed away. I am autistic which I know has an impact but death has honestly never upset me.

We had dozens of cats throughout my childhood. Sure I liked them and would be sad when they died but I’d be over it pretty quickly. Kids are quite black and white and just see things for what they are. The cat was once here but now it isn’t.

@Hamela You’ve missed the point I said I know it’s irrational, I am expressing my irrational feelings on here as a way to help process them rather than directing anything towards my children

And I expect they do not like my open grieving, who wants to see their parent upset. And that is ok for them to feel like that, and if they wanted to talk to their friends about it then that would be ok.

They express extreme emotions to me constantly, friendship worries, worries about sleepovers, upset about school, worries around health. I don’t believe this is about them not feeling safe to express feelings, I think this is about them not feeling big feelings about this loss and I am trying to make sense of that because everything I had read and heard prior to this spoke about children having big emotions.

Thank you to all the posters who have been extremely helpful. This is helping me.