Think DH has forgotten my birthday

[OwnHappiness]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and usually have had a week of “what do you want, what do you want to do”. To which I reply it would be nice to not have to pic one present and get a surprise. Nothing. It’s not a big birthday and we’re not surprise party people. I just want a card and present and maybe to not cook dinner or some flowers and a card from the kid, homemade would be great.

But here’s the thing, I’m actually hoping that it will get to my birthday morning or after work and he’ll then remember when it’s too late to buy a card and flowers from the supermarket on the way home from work. Things have been so bad that I kind of want him to keep forgetting so it’s something concrete to show me that he has stopped loving me and checked out the relationship and I need to be on my own. Or at least plan to leave in a few years.

So tomorrow I know I’ll get a card from kid, they do at nursery for parents birthdays, and I’m going to take the afternoon off work and get kid from nursery and we’re going to go the zoo. I’ve ordered myself some flowers and some posh shampoo I’ve been looking at and I’ll put a happy birthday banner up for myself. And fuck it if I’m making dinner.

but I think he’ll remember tonight in time to Amazon something. Although I’m still waiting for the Mother’s Day present he apparently ordered me.
But he’s also the type tomorrow when I say it’s m.my birthday to complain I didnt remind him and then he all sad and it’s actually my job to cheer him up when he’d have forgotten my birthday!!

it sounds like your looking for a reason to leave and I think you have them

It sounds to me like you're both looking for a reason for one of you to leave the relationship.

IME birthdays are highly overrated and I think you do right by treating yourself to something you would really like.

I wouldn't put a banner up for myself that's for sure I know when it's my birthday, it sounds kind of out there that you're effectively shouting out the news that it's your birthday to anyone who enters the house, especially as you're not party people.
My DH remembers the date of my birthday, but I haven't had a card or present from him ever.
We usually go for a coffee and sit by the river and enjoy some time away from the DC's.
Same with his BD btw.

So, you want him to surprise and not have to pick your own gift, but now you’re worried he hasn’t asked you to pick a goft NOR is he planning to surprise you?

Honestly - I don’t think men are good at remembering things like this. It’s a stereotype that men forget anniversaries for a reason.

Do you want to be married to him? Is this the hill your marriage will die on?

Do you notice that he shows he still loves you in other ways eg does he compliment you when you get a hair cut or dress nicely to go out? Does he tell you you’re a good mum? Does he clean out the blocked drain or mow the lawn because he knows you hate it? Does he slog away in a horrible job because he wants you to be financially secure? Does he make you a lemsip when you’re ill? That kind of thing.

If he does none of these things … I’m sad for you

Not relevant but referring to your child repeatedly as "kid" or "the kid" is really off-putting!

@MrsDroughtFire no he doesn’t. I have another thread on here under a different name where people are telling me to leave/suffering from emotional abuse. I think I’m just in denial of it all and looking for something concrete he can’t talk his way out of and make it mu fault.

@paddleslappingwater the banner is one used for all birthdays and goes up in the kitchen so only see by hosiehold members and I’m trying to bring my ow happiness. Mu ideal day would just be remembers and go for a picnic in the park that I haven’t bought and packed and a card saying mummy. Not high maintenance at all

Sorry was trying to keep it anonymous by not saying she/he!

But I’m looking forward to the trip out and actually feeling ok

Fair enough🙂

Take is as a (sad) win if he forgets, especially after the Mother's Day disappointment, because it will be a clear indicator of how little he thinks of/about you.

I wouldn't say anything if he forgets, and just ignore any you-should-have-reminded-me play-acting.

I'm sorry. It hurts, doesn't it.

Im sorry OP. That kind of behaviour really hurts and makrs you feel worthless.
I think if you are suffering from emotional abuse leaving might be the only way.

Do you not have friends? What time does he get in from work? Can you not get family to pick your child up from school and go straight out with friends, or when he gets in from work just go straight out with friends, theres no way id be going home if hes forgotten which he hasnt he just doesnt care

Why are women saying its ok if he forgets!! my god are these women so desperate to be with someone its ok if he makes no effort, would you want your daughters to be in a relationship with a man who makes no effort...

It's not your birthday yet....poor guy! Maybe he has it all organised, so why judge him prematurely?

I’m getting from this you are looking for an excuse to finally end the relationship but honestly, if that’s the way you feel the I think you should call it a day whether he remembers or not

im so desperately sorry you are feeling this way, it shouldn’t be this hard

This month I bought all my own 60th birthday decs as I knew dh would panic at the last minute and spend a fortune in the local party shop - I did budget decs on Temu 😂. He decorated the venue for me whilst I was at hair dressers and bought me mind blowing gifts on things he knew I’d love and huge balloons saying 60 so he went above and beyond. Married nearly 30 years, we’ve had our moments but never have I felt the way you do, ever

You deserve to not feel this way, there is way better out there xxx

Sounds like you have a nice day planned without him anyway

It’s really weird, I thought that

That’s rubbish if he’s forgotten and also said he’d get you something for Mother’s Day and then didn’t. What did you do for his birthday?

My money is this is the lady with the anniversary party 🎉 just with some new kids ages

walking away from a marriage with kids involved is a hard sad thing to do.
can you try some counselling?

FFS, this place… OP clearly going through tough times, and people are wanging on about choice of words. Is ‘the kid’ any weirder than ‘DC’? In the real world, no. It isn’t.

OP, sounds like your husband is a colossal dick, and that you deserve better. I hope you and the kid can move on to better things.

@EagerPlayer it is absolutely not a “hard, sad thing to do!”
staying and putting up with emotional abuse for years is the hardest and saddest thing because it impacts absolutely every aspect of your life and causes serious long term psychological damage.

@OwnHappiness Looking for reasons to leave while the answer is in front of your face doesn’t make the process any more “acceptable”. Getting out and putting yourself in a mentally healthy headspace first will help and as PP’s have said; you need to set a standard for your child to see.

the thought of my children having a similar experience to me in their own relationships was my kick up the bum to leave. I didn’t want them to think it was normal, either to treat people that way or to expect to be treated that way. Don’t let your current situation be your child’s “normal”

Dh, as its my birthday tomorrow im treating myself to my favourite bar of chocolate for in the evening. Is there any chocolate bar you would like?
That way you have reminded him and its up to him to put the effort in. Better than saying nothing then getting angry or upset.

What in the name of crazy game playing is this?!!

If you're that fed up, just end it now instead of banking reasons to leave him to eventually throw back in his face in five years time when you've worked up the courage.

You don’t need an excuse to leave if you are unhappy. Nothing else needs to be said