Think DH has forgotten my birthday

[OwnHappiness]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and usually have had a week of “what do you want, what do you want to do”. To which I reply it would be nice to not have to pic one present and get a surprise. Nothing. It’s not a big birthday and we’re not surprise party people. I just want a card and present and maybe to not cook dinner or some flowers and a card from the kid, homemade would be great.

But here’s the thing, I’m actually hoping that it will get to my birthday morning or after work and he’ll then remember when it’s too late to buy a card and flowers from the supermarket on the way home from work. Things have been so bad that I kind of want him to keep forgetting so it’s something concrete to show me that he has stopped loving me and checked out the relationship and I need to be on my own. Or at least plan to leave in a few years.

So tomorrow I know I’ll get a card from kid, they do at nursery for parents birthdays, and I’m going to take the afternoon off work and get kid from nursery and we’re going to go the zoo. I’ve ordered myself some flowers and some posh shampoo I’ve been looking at and I’ll put a happy birthday banner up for myself. And fuck it if I’m making dinner.

but I think he’ll remember tonight in time to Amazon something. Although I’m still waiting for the Mother’s Day present he apparently ordered me.
But he’s also the type tomorrow when I say it’s m.my birthday to complain I didnt remind him and then he all sad and it’s actually my job to cheer him up when he’d have forgotten my birthday!!

I get it….ive been there and i get it. You’re looking for a solid out as everything else doesn’t seem concrete enough because it’s emotional stuff and they’re good at explaining it all away. I went through my bf’s phone after a night out because I knew I’d find the evidence I needed to get him to leave, without that he wouldn’t have gone as he’d have twisted everything round and worn me down again. But screenshots don’t lie.
He sounds a narcissist if he’s turning things round to make you end up comforting him, he’s gaslighting you into him being the victim.
I hope you have a fabulous day tomorrow and I hope you find your happiness soon

What emotional abuse?

No anniversary party sorry. Never had an anniversary party in my life or been to a family members or friends one. Not even in-laws big anniversaries have been parties.

Thank you for this genuinely. I was trying to find a word that I wouldn’t slip and type their sex/name as it’s not about them and I don’t want to be identified when I was emotional and posting.

I don’t really need to spend days posting it here. Ive posted previously on a different thread.

Had a banner made, personalised photo art card. Ordered a cake. Put up decorations. Thortful gifts. Decorated and laid them out on the table. Same eoth Father’s Day.

Last birthday he didn’t get me a card from our child said he would next year, this year.

So he remembered on his way home from work. Was on his way home and then made a last minute detour to the supermarket. Had already phoned if we needed anything picking up and I said no so he said was coming striaght home.

Bought me a card and supermarket flowers. Then snacks for himself. No chocolate or meal for my birthday or things I like. I said when did you remember, he said last week. But hasn’t ordered me anything he said. Didn’t even try and lie and say it’s on the way. There was still time today to order something for tomorrow and do that. Hell you could even Amazon something now for tomorrow. But no, he just said he hadn’t ordered me anything. Could have bought me a plant from the supermarket and I’d have been happy. He remembered in the car on the way home. I reckon it was when he spoke to his mum and she asked what e were doing tomorrow evening.

feel flat.

Tomorrow I will have a lovely afternoon with my DC (kid!) and look forward wholeheartedly to their card. I saw the paint on their face this evening and they told me they had been finger painting. I know I have one love in the world.

to those saying leave. I wish I could. I’m planning for when they are in school. Difficult to explain why I can’t before. I’m also still trying everything to get love here I guess.

I think in some ways I would be relieved if he had an affair! Something concrete. All the little things on their own if I try and tell people seem so trivial. Except the few big stuff I don’t tell people

Cheers for that. Really. I’m not playing a crazy game, I’m not banking stuff to throw in his face, I’ve been working through things and posting things to find out what is normal and not and some lovey ladies have told me it’s not and I should contact women’s aid/my GP.

But thanks for this.

He’s done his sad dog face and acting hard done by because I said I felt sad. It’s my job to make him feel better as he forgot my birthday and then did nothing for it when he srill and the chance. He’s gone to bed. He knows where I keep the birthday decorations. He could have put something up.

Just end it . You're wasting your own life and opportunities of happiness and denying him the opportunity to move on . You know it's over . Rip the bandaid off .

Sorry for rambling. Will wash my face, dry the tears and smile when I go to bed and then have good day tomorrow.

Oh right, hard to pass comment without knowing that then

You don’t need an excuse to leave. Make the decision yourself and don’t wait to see what he does or doesn’t do for your birthday. You don’t need an extra reason.

It was my 40th a few weeks ago and I could have written your posts almost word for word. I'm sorry you're in this situation too.

So sorry OP and a big happy birthday for tomorrow.

mine was last month and it was terrible. We do celebrate birthdays in our household. Family were ill so I got nothing from anyone. I bought myself party food (which they then ate) and took myself out to the shops. I’m very very hurt still. I’d asked for the basics only so a party tea, a birthday cake, a £10 gift or a bunch of flowers.

It’s stored in my reasons to leave my DP box in my head for future use. But for now I’ve got to make the most of things and my life and focus me.

to make you feel a lot better for tomorrow after the above I had my free costa slice of cake show up in my app. So a week later we went and got two coffees and two cakes DP paid. I thought we were also getting me a treat of some kind as a belated gift. when I mentioned it I was told my coffee and cake count…..I loudly pointed out a free slice of cake on my app does not count as someone buying me anything!! And to top it off I’ve had nothing since but our rescue pets were bought a toy from Amazon for their birthday ( they already had stuff from me obviously as I plan ahead).

I thought it might make you laugh and cheer you up, have a good one x

My dh ruined my 40th birthday..he was an exh before I was 41..

Make tomorrow about you. Do things you love between dropping the kids off at school and picking them up. Don't let him ruin your day x

If you feel unloved try to fix it or leave you don't need an excuse

I’ve read all your posts and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so shit OP. I have had some variations of this over the years.

Im much further along with grown up children and a 2nd husband but I have learnt how to manage my expectations and kind of prioritise (?) what things are important.

current DH has fucked up a few times with some shit gifts but as time has moved on we’ve now got a better understanding.

so he will always defrost my car, bring me a coffee in the morning etc etc but no surprises as they cAn be disappointing. Our birthdays are a week apart. We have agreed this year not to bother but previously we had a terrible year where I went all out then he got me a load of shit a week later.

anyway i do remember the real heartbreak of feeling forgotten etc but I never wanted to leave him - this would have definitely added to the list if i did.

happy birthday for tomorrow OP

You are doing great. You are being kind to yourself. Hope you have a great day with your child.

Thank you all. I went to put up the banner so I could see it and smile when I came down for coffee in the morning. But then I took it down again. I thought one of two things would happen: He would see it and get sad he hadn’t done it. Or he might srill go down at midnight and put it up and then be sad I had thought I had to do it. So I took it down so he wasn’t sad. I am sad.

when went to go to bed and he’s still gaming, I had obviously been crying. He asked why was I sad looking pained. He must know why. I told him I wasn’t sad each time he asked me and it was all ok: it’s not but me getting upset and angry jusy makes me the bad guy even more. Al he had to say was I’m really sorry you’re sad, I messed up, I’ll make it up to you. Or I’m ordering something now, or I’ll take you plant shopping on the weekend or help you woth the gardening. Not okay a game and simultaneously watch the foorballl.

I take it yoir user name is related and I’m so sorry you’re going through this too and I hope you got yourself a nice birthday present.

Sorry I don’t mean to be snappy when people are trying to help. I meant here’s not really one big thing and would all seem trivial on its own. And maybe it is and it’s just me interpretation or I’m just hard to live with

I left my marriage without counselling- I always wonder if it may have made a difference.
if you try mediation/counselling - it may not change the outcome, if the relationship is truly broken, but at least you will have tried and you can confidently walk away. No one should live in an unhappy marriage.