Think DH has forgotten my birthday

[OwnHappiness]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and usually have had a week of “what do you want, what do you want to do”. To which I reply it would be nice to not have to pic one present and get a surprise. Nothing. It’s not a big birthday and we’re not surprise party people. I just want a card and present and maybe to not cook dinner or some flowers and a card from the kid, homemade would be great.

But here’s the thing, I’m actually hoping that it will get to my birthday morning or after work and he’ll then remember when it’s too late to buy a card and flowers from the supermarket on the way home from work. Things have been so bad that I kind of want him to keep forgetting so it’s something concrete to show me that he has stopped loving me and checked out the relationship and I need to be on my own. Or at least plan to leave in a few years.

So tomorrow I know I’ll get a card from kid, they do at nursery for parents birthdays, and I’m going to take the afternoon off work and get kid from nursery and we’re going to go the zoo. I’ve ordered myself some flowers and some posh shampoo I’ve been looking at and I’ll put a happy birthday banner up for myself. And fuck it if I’m making dinner.

but I think he’ll remember tonight in time to Amazon something. Although I’m still waiting for the Mother’s Day present he apparently ordered me.
But he’s also the type tomorrow when I say it’s m.my birthday to complain I didnt remind him and then he all sad and it’s actually my job to cheer him up when he’d have forgotten my birthday!!

No coffees made, let alone brought. I’ve asked to be acknowledge/said hello to in the morning and not avery his eyes if I ask for a peck kiss goodnight. Doesn’t initiate a hug or any affection.

I agree as well OP

Seriously - stop looking for reasons, just make plans to enjoy your next birthday without him

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but has he said anything? Has he recognised it’s your birthday?

Do adults really play these daft mind f*ck games past the age of 20? I must be tiresome old fart because I couldn't live like this. Enjoy your game playing with your 'D'H ... 😮

Have you read the entire thread? What fucking mind games do you think I’m playing with someone who forgot my birthday and I’m told is abusive and to leave?

You know it’s my birthday and I’m broken and looking for help and comfort on the internet and this is what you think will help a broken mother?

Genuinely thanks. I’m trying to prepare myself for when he comes home and you say that. Thanks.

to everyone else I am genuinely grateful for you all listening to me and getting me through the last 24 hours. I had to use ice packs on my eyes this morning to reduce the swelling. I had a truly lovely afternoon and the card and painted statue and about to open the flowers I ordered myself last night.

Remembered on the way home from work last night when I think he spoke to his mum. Bought supermarket flowers and card on the way back. Still had time to order flowers or a plat or Amazon for today jusy came home and said he bought nothing and had nothing planned.

He's checked out but he doesn't want to take the blame for ending it.

You say it's not game playing but you are literally challenging him, planning around him, why would you not say 'we're off to the zoo on my birthday wanna come?'

You are leaving banners around taking them up and down

Now, emotional abuse is horrendous I do agree but you was upset and worked up way before it was even your birthday - you already made yourself believe he was going to fail so even if you woke up puffy eyed after a night of crying, you was never going to be in the correct head space to be happy.

He bought you flowers and a card - but didn't put up the banner, that's where we are at?

You are finding reasons to be sad and mad, and that's okay, but obviously it's deeper. FYI I know your other thread from the hiding of the book.

So has she though

Honestly I truly get it. I was relived when I found the evidence I knew was there. Because he couldn’t deny it. I needed to get out but I wouldn’t have been able to without the proof as he would never have left me alone and he’d have worn me down and twisted my thinking. I was miserable, I didn’t know who I was anymore. He damn near destroyed me and having the proof made me realise it wasn’t me after all

When you wrote that you were bracing yourself before him coming home, that really rang a bell for me. It was the sound of his key in the door and the hope that he would want to be with us and have a normal chat, and then the disappointment when he just shovelled down his dinner and headed off out again.
It is sometimes lonely being on my own because I am alone nearly all of the time, but it’s nothing like as bad as the loneliness of being in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable husband.
You can’t save your marriage on your own; it needs the work and effort to come from both of you.

Happy Birthday OP, sorry your husband is a selfish prick x

This! I feel lonelier with him than on my own. When eith DC we chat and laugh, when he’s here he’s just silent and doesn’t reply.

I might have now but I really have tried. I’ve tried everything, even going down the step Ford type wife for a stage to see if that would bring him back.

Happy birthday @OwnHappiness 🎂

I hope by the time of your next birthday (challenging circumstances not withstanding) you have your own happiness (& peace) back 💐

Just think about how much it stings and aim to not leave yourself in the same position this time next year.

You can do it, I promise you. You may not believe me but there will never be a 'right' time to leave. You will only feel regret when you finally do it in another 10 years worth of wasted birthdays.

Happy birthday lovely, I hope your afternoon with your kiddo was amazing 💕

Doesn't bother me...

I commented on your last relationship thread op.

Ignore people nitpicking about you saying the kid. As if that's at all relevant FFS. Just ignore.

He won't change.
You can't salvage this relationship because he is an abusive person. And he will always be that person in his core.

I think you are still in the process of accepting this is what is going on.

You are in an abusive relationship.

i remember reading that sentence on here on a thread of my own years and years ago and it feeling so jarring, and such a mix of emotions.

keep posting.
keep reaching out on here for support.

Eventually you process the situation and be ready to leave. When you do he will sense this as he feeds off your emotions, and will try and pull you back in, but it's not genuine care. It's about control and wanting to keep you emotionally tied to him. It's not love, it's control.

My ex used to do the woe is me thing too. STOP ENGAGING IN IT.

I think focus on your own happiness and not on him making you happy. In your head perhaps try to think of this as a temporary house share. Don't expect him to provide love, care, emotional support. Start building that up elsewhere through friends, family if any around, online support, women's aid or DV support etc.

Buy yourself a beautiful plant. Do something that's just for you. Focus on yourself and your child and disengage from him.

OP you don't have to have his agreement to leave, or his 'permission'. It doesn't matter what he says, it is enough that you want to go. You don't have to present a coherent explanation. If you want to split, that in itself is enough. He's not going to like it, whatever you say or do, tough. He's going to blame you? So what? The real power is when you stop caring what they say or do.

Thank you everyone who’s posted since my last post. All your posts are genuinely lovely. I was hoping to not be recognisable from my previous thread and not have them linked to try and stay anonymous.
a lot of what people had said is making sense. Have had the woe is me today that he’s allowed to be sad about making me upset not doing anything. Apparently he said happy birthday in the morning and that was enough.

Had a lovely afternoon thank you and the best ever gift.

I’m going to try and see that the love and validation isnt there from him and he won’t celebrate triumphs with me when I succeed at something, especially parenting based. He never said I was a good mummy or Doing something well, didnt even refer to me as mummy. I had to ask him to do that. Have realised if I do something successfully without needing him I don’t get a well done or praise, just nothing.

mThe but about still working it out is right……

Glad you had a lovely afternoon, OP. There's never a right time to leave and it is so difficult to do, by my god it's worth it.

Great post