Think DH has forgotten my birthday

[OwnHappiness]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and usually have had a week of “what do you want, what do you want to do”. To which I reply it would be nice to not have to pic one present and get a surprise. Nothing. It’s not a big birthday and we’re not surprise party people. I just want a card and present and maybe to not cook dinner or some flowers and a card from the kid, homemade would be great.

But here’s the thing, I’m actually hoping that it will get to my birthday morning or after work and he’ll then remember when it’s too late to buy a card and flowers from the supermarket on the way home from work. Things have been so bad that I kind of want him to keep forgetting so it’s something concrete to show me that he has stopped loving me and checked out the relationship and I need to be on my own. Or at least plan to leave in a few years.

So tomorrow I know I’ll get a card from kid, they do at nursery for parents birthdays, and I’m going to take the afternoon off work and get kid from nursery and we’re going to go the zoo. I’ve ordered myself some flowers and some posh shampoo I’ve been looking at and I’ll put a happy birthday banner up for myself. And fuck it if I’m making dinner.

but I think he’ll remember tonight in time to Amazon something. Although I’m still waiting for the Mother’s Day present he apparently ordered me.
But he’s also the type tomorrow when I say it’s m.my birthday to complain I didnt remind him and then he all sad and it’s actually my job to cheer him up when he’d have forgotten my birthday!!

Thank you bit for reasons that would be outing, I genuinely can’t leave and have to stay.

I find you making yourself utterly miserable to prove a point to yourself that your husband doesn’t want to be with you incredibly sad.

you don’t have to stay with this man, you don’t have to do this things, hell you don’t even need a reason.

to think you are prepared to stay for years!! Leave him & find some happiness where you aren’t setting traps to prove a point

I’m not setting a trap to make a point? I just didnt remind him of something he should be responsible for?
I have genuine reasons I can’t leave yet, but realising how things are is helping me deal with it and opens my mu eyes so I can leav one day.

I’m reading the rest of the thread. You actually come across as the narcissist.

now I know that can be an effect of the abuse on youor a mask. Who knows from reading one thread but the unhappiness comes across in spades.

you don’t have to live your life like this. You know this yet plan to stay, I assume for financial reasons. There is more to live than money. Letting your children watch you being abused or you abusing your husband or both ways is a sure fire way to fuck up the kids mental health & put them into the same cycle of dysfunctional relationships

It’s really hard to leave an abusive relationship, it’s even harder to try and get yourself better afterwards but doing this shit knowing you are in an abusive relationship is just stupid and helps absolutely no one.

I thought exactly the same. It is very off putting.

Thanks. I will have a read more about being a narcissist and see if it fits. I am not staying for money. I earn double my husband. I am staying whilst I work out if he can change and I need physical help to look after my child.

Thank you to everyone who has commented and thank you to those who have shown kindness. Especially when I said I was being supported on another thread and being told to leave for emotional abuse.

I have apologised ipthread for not thinking to use DC when I was upset and trying to keep it anonytand about DH’s actions when ive said I am so looking forward to my day with my child

@Sensiblesal i always thought relationships weee cut and dry and I would leave if X happened. But please read and consider all the threads on MN where people need others to help the realise and extricate themselves. I still don’t consider myself in a min abusive relationship despite all the horrid stuff as I’m still trying to work it out. But for those genuinely in abusive relationships they are not stupid

This is such a sad thread. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I am decades past leaving my abusive, emotionally absent ex and am still thankful for the peace that I live with and the small joys in every day.
Your love for the kid shines through in every post. I get it that leaving now is not possible but can you start your plans? Start saving even small amounts because having money always gives you more choices. Inform yourself because knowledge is power and if you can, see a kick ass therapist; one who’s got your back and will enable you to grow stronger.
Sending you hugs and a beautiful fig tree and wishing you a very happy birthday.

am not staying for money. I earn double my husband. I am staying whilst I work out if he can change and I need physical help to look after my child.

Then you leave and pay for physical help
Or get asssed if you have a disability

Go talk things thru with a counsellor
Yourself alone
Start making a plan to leave instead of making excuses or anticipating failures from dh.
Just live separately from him with no expectations

They definitely aren’t & I thought the same honestly.

Sorry if I’m being a bit tough love but I just want you to see that this doesn’t have to be your life. I don’t think I’ll ever get past what happened to me, always thought I was too clever and self aware for it to happen to me but it did.

what I am trying to say is, that abusive relationship or not, you do recognise how unhappy you are in the relationship, you don’t need a reason to leave, god leaving is the hardest part, worrying about what happens next but us women are made of strong stuff and we figure it out. Then one day we realise we are free & in time happiness comes.

Your partner will still need to co-parent unless there is a safeguarding risk & if you need child care help, it can be paid for. Don’t use it as an excuse to stay.

p.s Happy Birthday, have a lovely day at the zoo with your kiddo! Screw your husband, not literally!!

My husband loves me but has forgotten my birthday once. I’m not sure it’s the win you think it is, looking to catch someone out in this way. You need to stand back and think ‘even if he buys me gorgeous flowers and has spent the last week making a cake, do I still want this?!’

Happy Birthday!!!!

Happy birthday!🍾🎂

Happy Birthday. Hope you have a great afternoon at the zoo. On the way back, get yourself for tea that's easy and you like, ie something like a pizza (ie enough for both of you, no one else). It can keep if he's arranged anything. If not, if nothing is happening, order yourself a takeaway for one and enjoy.

Thank you for your words, they really helped. Kiddo is such a magical human being and it is truly amazing watching their delight in seeing the world, I want to show them everything. I have a friend who calls them kiddo/the kid and I hear the love in their voice when they use it.

Now off to google fig trees!!

Thank you for the birthday wishes they really helped. Thank you kind people of the internet.

I thought I would wake up and feel all get go, but I’m using an ice pack on my eyes to make them less puffy and srill few like I’m holding back tears. I know the easy answer is to check out and live my life with no expectations but I still think things can be fixed.

Right I need to go have a good day. Thank you

Happy birthday OP

and for all those saying just leave, it’s really not that easy. It might seem that easy but it’s really not. I’ve been there and I’m ashamed that I let a man manipulate me and control me the way he did. It took the strangest thing for me to get the courage to leave. Looking back I can see what I should have done but I’m no longer in that abusive relationship. Unless you’ve been the victim of abuse, you have no idea how hard it is to leave. They destroy every single last bit of self confidence you have, you believe you can only survive with them. Sounds crazy unless you’ve been in that situation. Please educate yourselves on the effect abuse has on people, OP needs support not more victim blaming

Happy Birthday op. Find childcare for your dc ..beware if you use him for childcare he could claim as the main carer should you split... he could even go for cms from you.
Live as if he isn't around.

Ime you won't reget getting rid of him.

Thank you lovely. That’s really it isnt it, I genuinely thought it was an easy case of LTB when seeing an issue. I’m still working through what is normal or not.
thank you again it means alot

I have never cared much about celebrating my birthdays once I was older than about 24.
I can see that you, however, do like to.
I suggest that, instead of hoping that DH revives his care and romance while hoping that he fails, that you need to speak plainly.
Ask for exactly what you want of him and tell DH that if your expectations are not met, lovingly and voluntarily, that you feel the only way is for you both to call it quits once the kids are at school.

Tell him that it matters that he treats you with love and consideration and that if he (the one who promised to see you as his number one) can not cherish you, you feel worthless.

Spell out that love is a verb not a sentiment. List the simple things that need to be freely given every day, every year, the deal breakers .. Tell him exactly what you want:

Birthdays
Romance.
Compliments.
Assistance.
Time together
Regular adult enjoyment

Etc.etc. Only you know them

Happy Birthday!
I suggest you get some counselling, you need some real-life support to decide what to do next.
And read Lundy Bancroft if you haven't yet - "why does he do that?" and "should I stay or should I go?"

Similar here . My dp does lots of other stuff.

My ex husband did this every year as well as being thoughless and inconsiderate everyday of the year. I dumped the fucker and Ive never been so glad.

Thank you, ive bought it but only for as far as hiding it in a cupboard