DS hates me

[Dontknowwhattodo2026]

Feeling very fragile so please be gentle with me. Sorry it’s long

It is just myself, DS (17) and DD at home. DS absolutely hates my guts and makes no secret of this. I've kidded myself for years now that it's a stage and he will grow out of it but after 5 years and at 17 years old, maybe I have to accept this is who he really is/how he feels.

If I ask literally nothing of him then he is 'okay' - by okay I mean mainly indifferent/disinterested, but the second I do something to anger him - that might be wake him up for school, suggest he does some homework, or refuse to give him a lift somewhere, then he is outraged and turns on me. Shouts at me to shut up, go away and leave him alone. His mood will then spiral and can last days/weeks. He often tells me he hates me.

I've asked so many people - people that love us both very much (and would be honest with me) like my mum, sisters, close friends and they are all literally at a loss as to why he is like that and insist it is nothing I have done, but it must be mustn't it? Because this level of hatred isn't normal is it?

I am not perfect by any means - I know that on occasions I have taken his behaviour too personally and overreacted but I am never unkind or even (I don't think) unreasonable in what I ask of him. I have never put any pressure on him, all I have ever asked is that he tries his best and is kind. I have tried extremely hard to model the behaviour I'd like to see from him and to start with a clean slate the next day no matter how awfully he has behaved towards me. It makes absolutely no difference. He will never give an inch. The only thing he ever says is he wants me to leave him alone

It absolutely breaks my heart but all I want his for him to be happy and maybe he can't be with me. I don't know where to go from here.

It’s not what any parent wants but frankly when he turns 18 ask him to leave if he doesn’t change his attitude. Sometimes people need to face the music and it will be either sink or swim.

I agree with a PP that this gives off massive misogynistic/red pill vibes.

My mother spoiled my older brother rotten and while he’s not all bad, he’s 40 and still acting like a sulky, controlling teenager around her. I’d say in some instances coercive even. I’ve actually ended up cutting contact because of his behaviour. My parents are also divorced so I wonder if this is a common occurrence in households like ours.

@Dontknowwhattodo2026 I'm absolutely convinced that some adolescents need an adult male around as the boss.

My son was one. In the end, and I'm incredibly sad it came to this, I told him to live with his father and not come back unless he was willing to listen to the rules and cooperate (and the rules were pretty damn basic). He's not come back and won't - his father's rules are near to non-existent, although I must say that he's managed to get him going to school. Nothing I did managed that - not support, not sanctions, not removing his screens - nothing.

Yes there were a few things I could have done differently, and you've said yourself there may have been some things you could have done differently. That might have helped.

But in the end, sometimes our greatest flaw is that we're not the adult male in the house, only the adult female. Nothing we could do would have made the difference, beyond love, strict but fair boundaries and being available.

I think that in the end, some adolescents have to find their own way.

It does sound quite a lot like PDA. I would recommend having a look at At Peace Parents - they have some very good ideas to try. Can totally relate to feeling trapped in an abusive relationship with your child.

This, combined with "I have never put any pressure on him, all I have ever asked is that he tries his best and is kind. I have tried extremely hard to model the behaviour I'd like to see from him and to start with a clean slate the next day no matter how awfully he has behaved towards me"
May go some way to explaining it.

Perhaps the reason he is like this is because (at least partly) because he knows he can and you won't do anything about it?

I'm not saying teen boys are easy because they aren't (i have 2 at the moment plus an older one and a younger one) and it's fucking hard!

But they really do need clear boundaries, including consequences for treating you badly. He will kick off over it, of course he will. But you have to keep doing it over and over until he realises this is how it is now.

It's easier for him to communicate by text. He feels less vulnerable that way. My DS16 is the same. He lashes out at me and his dad because he's not OK. Heavy OCD so very stressed out and ANYTHING we demand of him (low demand approach so really the basic minimum) is met by a scream. I can't wait to not have him in the house. His brother who is 13 is adorable but he's obv fed up with his brother as well.

One piece of advice: try to keep in mind that it's NOT ABOUT YOU. It's all about him and how he's feeling. He doesn't have enough protection so you do get under his skin which unnervs him. This will change when he gets older- paradoxically the more distance he gets from you the closer you will be. Hang in there. X

Kick him out and send him to his dads until he learns some manners!

This is very common unfortunately with teenage boys.
Would his Dad speak to him? Or a male role model. I had to get DHs help. I couple of chats about behavior towards women and his mother specifically made a difference.
Otherwise I am afraid I would be making plans for him to move out at 18.
Id explain this to him somewhat in advance. But with someone to witness it and who can help you leave if he is awful to you. But if he can behave around others he can behave around you.
There has to be a line drawn at some point. And him staying would be contingent on continued politeness, adult discussion etc. What does he do for himself? I stopped doing my teens washing - they were responsible for it. They got a clothing allowance, which they had to stick to. Otherwise they needed a job. Also they started to cook some of their own meals.
These are all good life skills. As well as cleaning etc.
If he’s reallt awful I’d just give him a food budget in cash and stop cooking for him. All with due warning of course.

You say he just keeps asking to be left alone. How is he when you do this? Literally leave him alone and don't engage at all? I wonder if you give him what he wants does it work or does he seek you out to be rude and abusive.

I didn't like my Mum for a long time. I feel awful now and sometimes I don't even know what caused it. I just wanted space. Literally and metaphorically. She was always hovering, always involved. No doubt trying to be a good parent. But I just wanted to withdraw after a busy day and listen to music and she would constantly knock on my door asking what I was doing and then complain that I was sullen. Is there any chance he might see it this way OP? I'm not suggesting you are doing anything wrong but what you consider to be normal interactions might be perceived very differently.