DS hates me

[Dontknowwhattodo2026]

Feeling very fragile so please be gentle with me. Sorry it’s long

It is just myself, DS (17) and DD at home. DS absolutely hates my guts and makes no secret of this. I've kidded myself for years now that it's a stage and he will grow out of it but after 5 years and at 17 years old, maybe I have to accept this is who he really is/how he feels.

If I ask literally nothing of him then he is 'okay' - by okay I mean mainly indifferent/disinterested, but the second I do something to anger him - that might be wake him up for school, suggest he does some homework, or refuse to give him a lift somewhere, then he is outraged and turns on me. Shouts at me to shut up, go away and leave him alone. His mood will then spiral and can last days/weeks. He often tells me he hates me.

I've asked so many people - people that love us both very much (and would be honest with me) like my mum, sisters, close friends and they are all literally at a loss as to why he is like that and insist it is nothing I have done, but it must be mustn't it? Because this level of hatred isn't normal is it?

I am not perfect by any means - I know that on occasions I have taken his behaviour too personally and overreacted but I am never unkind or even (I don't think) unreasonable in what I ask of him. I have never put any pressure on him, all I have ever asked is that he tries his best and is kind. I have tried extremely hard to model the behaviour I'd like to see from him and to start with a clean slate the next day no matter how awfully he has behaved towards me. It makes absolutely no difference. He will never give an inch. The only thing he ever says is he wants me to leave him alone

It absolutely breaks my heart but all I want his for him to be happy and maybe he can't be with me. I don't know where to go from here.

Have you read all the OP's posts, he doesn't behave like this with his dad or friends.

I did but it sounded like he spends little time with his Dad and may feel equal to (and less triggered by) his friends. His Mum and college seem to be the ones placing expectations.

I have considered PDA but yeah he’s not like it for anyone else. He doesn’t do much work at school but they all say he’s not rude. And he has a part time job he enjoys and doesn’t seem to have any problems there

This is an example… he’s literally just left for work, shouted goodbye and then less than a minute later text me to say he doesn’t well. Obviously I’m concerned so call him and he picks up and starts having a go at me for calling him and why can’t I just text. I said well im talking to you now so what’s wrong? And then he just says angrily ‘whatever mate’ and hangs up on me.

that’s just insane behaviour to me. I genuinely would be worried about his state of mind except I know he wouldn’t act like this with anyone else 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you afford to buy a sofa bed for Dad’s house? It’s time for Dad to take over.

Tough love maybe: send him to live with his dad. Be calm, remind him that you love him, and that you will always be there for him, but you’re not prepared to tolerate his behaviour.

My friend made a similar decision and it wasn’t long before her son realised that the warm loving home she created was preferable to the less favourable conditions at his father’s. It will be difficult for you, but it has to be preferable to living how you are now.

Eta- sorry, just noticed your update about his dad’s accommodation: is he in a position to move to a bigger property?

Sadly not. It’s his wife’s HA property so no chance of him getting anywhere bigger.

It’s not you it’s him and by him I mean his dad. A mum can be anything to a son but a dad. You’re getting the blame because you’re the presence not the absence in his life. The more independence and distance he has the more likely it is he will admit that to himself and hopefully to you. I’m not sure this is something you can fix under your roof as you didn’t break it.

Sorry you’re going through this. Teenage years are very draining. There will be light at the end of the tunnel and hope that comes soon for you. Hopefully your DS will transform out of this developmental stage & turn ‘lovely’ as others have said.

Counselling for you sounds a great idea. My friend saw a counsellor with expertise in working with families and it really helped with communication/boundaries and general dynamics.

I also wonder if the school environment might have a role in his behaviour? School is not a good fit for some kids - even if he’s happy socially there might be something that isn’t working for him?

Sounds like you’ve sought a lot of support for him over the years so well done for reaching out and advocating for him and your relationship. It’s a shame it hasn’t had the results you’d hope for yet.

Can your ex help a bit more? Moral support for you? Spend time with your DS? Is there relationship good? Do they see each other regularly? Feels like you are carrying all this and you do need some respite. Him sleeping on the sofa or your ex getting a guest bed of some sort sometimes might be needed.

I really hope this is a stage that you are passing through but in the meantime take good care of yourself.

His dad needs to step up and sort him out

Honestly it’s not your problem they are in a HA place she married him, he has a son. Hand him over.

so he can stop the nasty behaviour when his dad is around? sounds like he just has no respect for you and is in control of his nasty behaviour.

can you get his dad round to have a conference with him and you (not including dd) where dad tells him he will not tolerate anyone in the family being disrespected and if he does it again he will be moving in with dad and will have to sleep on the floor as there is no room. Also he better start minding his manners in your house as you’re done with it.

You will likely have to follow through and have him sleeping on a blow up mattress on the floor at his dads until ds realises how lucky he is to have a nice family home.

You are likely going to have to kick him out at some point. I hope by then his dad has sorted him out. He has a worrying lack of respect towards you. I hope it’s not towards all females.

Is it something you have not done? Which is to teach him consistently from an early age that you cnanot and will not be treated like this. That your home operates on love and respect.

DS1 got a bit like this and I pulled him up on it. Still now I pick him up if he takes me for granted, like arriving late for no good reason when I am treating him to lunch. I have very few rules but kind behaviour is one.

If it is PDA, he'd need professional help. But if it is just habit that normalises treating mum like shit, then you need to break that habit. Talk with him. He's almost an adult. Look him in the eye and say: how would you feel if I spoke to you like you speak to me. If when you ask for or expect something reasonable, like a lift we have agreed on or food at dinner time, I turned on you and snarled like this? Then do a good impression of how aggressive he is. Then ask how it feels to be on the receiving end of that reaction.

Or ask him what he thinks kind, considerate behaviour looks and sounds like. If he knows, then he has no excuse not to use it with you. If he doesn't, time to set up some examples.

Don't escalate by shouting back or snapping at him. Very calmly set boundaries and say you are loving and kind to him and expect similar treatment in return. If he chooses not to be loving and kind to you, he can't expect you to continue. You have had enough. Say you don;t want to stop paying for his phone or cut off the wifi or stop cooking food he likes. But if he is rude to you, that's his decision and it is on him if you stop. Not you. Him. He is the one in control of his behaviour, and your generosity with time, money, effort are now contingent on it.

I did once actually say something very controversial to DS, which was: My love is not unconditional. It is conditional on being loved back. I don't love people who don't love me. It's healthy not to.

We are taught to show children unconditional love but actually, there should be that single boundary: show love back.

He's a teenager, my Mum and I were at each throats all the way through my teens and only got worse as I got older/independent/less who she wanted me to be. She said that i had come back from uni an entirely different person and she didn't like the new/real me. I am LC with her now. My brother didn't like anyone when he was 17, least of all my mother. He grew up and let it go, your son will too.

He needs to sleep on his Dad's sofa for a few weeks. It's unfair on your daughter to be on edge all the time.

I'm just coming out of this stage with my ds 18. It has been the most horrendous time for the last three years. The anger ,mocking,wondering if he is going to punch something in his room and break it,the disdain for me. He was also smoking a lot of weed. Telling me I cared too much. Well,that was because he had finished college and I was desperate for him to keep his part time job and not become a Neet.
Me insuring him on my car and along side Driving lessons taking him out but he was so unpredictable, stopping up a country lane and getting out and running across a field. Honestly, I felt desperate and very lonely.
He had some counselling last year.
Slowly things have improved, he now works 30 hrs at the same job, he couldn't cope with driving a car so now has a moped to commute,I've stepped back. I don't ask him where he has been and when he gets in at 1pm I don't mention. He says he doesn't smoke anymore and his money is spent on salmon fillets and avocados and he now says hello to me and can be rather lovely.
I've taken all pressure off regarding college( I'd love him to go back and do another year of plumbing but he says he didn't enjoy the course ) so he is earning and that's ok.
I hear him laughing upstairs on his phone and it makes me so relieved.
All the best op,hopefully you'll see your boy improve

Sorry to hear this OP, im not really sure what to say other that that this is surely a form of domestic abuse you are experiencing.

Could you perhaps ask his dad for help resolving the situation? Would he listen if his dad asked him to show you more respect / help out more?

Firstly thank you all so much for your thoughts and support. Feel so alone at the moment, it really does help.

i think you are all right and that sofa or not he will have to go to his dads for a while. I just need to make sure I'm strong enough to see it through as his Dad is fairly useless and won’t actually want to have to parent him, and more to the point despite telling me most days how much he hates me/hates living with me, DS has it very comfortable here and will not go willingly.

Tonissister - you make a very good point. I think it’s more about what I haven’t done too. Not making excuses but DS was seriously ill when he was very young (cancer) and although he barely remembers it, I think I am still stuck in the trauma/fear even after all this time. And this really affects how I deal with him. Unintentionally of course but I have let him down. I’m really hoping that maybe the counselling will help me manage this better

I do feel like im in an abusive relationship 😞. It’s behaviour I wouldn’t ever tolerate from anyone else for a minute.

WittyGreyCat - I’m really glad things have improved for you. Your situation sounds very similar to mine and it gives me hope. DS has a part time job that he enjoys and although like you I would love for him to dither his education, at this point I would be happy if he just found full time work he enjoyed and was settled in

I hope you pressed charges. He’s a thug.

I really feel for you OP. That sounds very painful and very hard. I also really feel for your son.

My point of view is that its his relationship with his Dad, or lack thereof, which is behind this. The older I have got, the more I have come to the view that kids really need a positive role model from a parent, or close person, of the same sex of them as they grow up, particularly in those tweenage or teen years. Fuck knows my kids' dad is hardly ideal but they still gravitate more and more to him as they get older. We are evolved to be like this. Boys needs Fathers and other good men to model adulthood to them and to help guide them. Your son does not have that and he must be really feeling the lack of it. It must also be very painful for him that his Dad is not enough of a dad to even have a bedroom for him, and from your description seems to be a pretty lax, uninterested Father. Your poor son. He may not be able to understand or articulate the feelings this gives him, but it still will be affecting him. Especially as he is in an 'all girl' house. And maybe its kicking against that which is behind his attitude to you. Or maybe just because you are there, and he has no-one else to express his rage and anger at.. What age was he when his Dad moved out? As that may have really affected him too.

I don't really know what you do about this - maybe read some books on raising boys and see if that helps. Maybe encourage him to hobbies which have good male role models there - cadets or male sports teams or something. I am not sure sending him off to his Dad's when his Dad does not seem to give a shit about him is a good idea. He may already feel abandoned and rejected and doing this could compound those feelings.

I did hear a massage therapist say she started giving her teenage son a weekly hand or foot massage and that transformed her relationship with him as it gave a space for him to start talking to her about what was going on in his life ( without it being sit down face to face). Could there be a similar space created for you both to spend time together?

He might have trained you to never ask him anything by his behaviour, but that may be making his feelings of abandonment and isolation worse.

I think its a really awful situation for both of you. My suspicion is that he has got trapped in these feelings and behaviour - probably rooted in issues around his Dad - and he doesn't know how to get out of these feelings and behaviour.

To me it sounds like he thinks you are an insufferable nag. To be clear: Nothing you wrote suggests that you are a nag, but his reactions to me sound like he thinks so.

Moving out would be a good option if it is at all realistic. For now, I would stop trying to get him to talk to you. If you have to talk to him, don't ask questions like "do you think it would be a good idea..." or "would you like... (this or that)" or "have you thought about..." or "shouldn't you be...". Those may work on a toddler (giving choices) but they used to enrage me as a teenager. I would suggest that you only communicate facts.

That sounds so incredibly hard but the fact that he can control his temper and his tongue around other people, suggests that he treats you as he does because you’re his safe space. That doesn’t make it right of course.
Me and my son used to clash around that age (and before) and my husband was useless, would never support me. He’s mid 20’s now and a lovely, kind and thoughtful son. He had a bit of a strop a couple of weeks ago when I asked him to come back and finish a chore that he had been doing but I ignored him and the next morning, he apologised and asked me for a hug. They can come out the other side!

He is like this with you because you have tolerated it and normalised it.

I have a thirteen year old who is nearly six foot and will occasionally try and intimidate me with his frame. He doesn’t get away with it ever. There are consequences and we talk about it later and he accepts it is unacceptable. If my son decided he was going to make being an absolute twat his default behaviour then he would not have a phone, he would not have access to a screen and I would organise for him to do his homework at homework club at school. He would do all chores associated with him etc etc etc etc. You have to wield your power where you have it, and my kids know I am kind but I am not nice. I am reasonable but I’m not a mug. Like hell would I tolerate that.

You’re not a dog…

You have got a nasty bully there and he gets away with it because you creep round him. Get him to his dads. And if he doesn't like it, that is only fair.

If you do keep him at yours, stop doing anything at all for him. In fact, treat im like a nasty lodger or neighbour, tolerate but don't engage.