DS hates me

[Dontknowwhattodo2026]

Feeling very fragile so please be gentle with me. Sorry it’s long

It is just myself, DS (17) and DD at home. DS absolutely hates my guts and makes no secret of this. I've kidded myself for years now that it's a stage and he will grow out of it but after 5 years and at 17 years old, maybe I have to accept this is who he really is/how he feels.

If I ask literally nothing of him then he is 'okay' - by okay I mean mainly indifferent/disinterested, but the second I do something to anger him - that might be wake him up for school, suggest he does some homework, or refuse to give him a lift somewhere, then he is outraged and turns on me. Shouts at me to shut up, go away and leave him alone. His mood will then spiral and can last days/weeks. He often tells me he hates me.

I've asked so many people - people that love us both very much (and would be honest with me) like my mum, sisters, close friends and they are all literally at a loss as to why he is like that and insist it is nothing I have done, but it must be mustn't it? Because this level of hatred isn't normal is it?

I am not perfect by any means - I know that on occasions I have taken his behaviour too personally and overreacted but I am never unkind or even (I don't think) unreasonable in what I ask of him. I have never put any pressure on him, all I have ever asked is that he tries his best and is kind. I have tried extremely hard to model the behaviour I'd like to see from him and to start with a clean slate the next day no matter how awfully he has behaved towards me. It makes absolutely no difference. He will never give an inch. The only thing he ever says is he wants me to leave him alone

It absolutely breaks my heart but all I want his for him to be happy and maybe he can't be with me. I don't know where to go from here.

Presumably you're the only person he trusts.

Have you never sought therapy for him in the whole five years? He was just twelve when he started.

You seem very focused on yourself rather than on resolving the problem.

Most recently I took him to a psychiatrist - the psychiatrist report stated that DS offered no reason for his very obvious hostility towards me. All he would say (and the psychiatrist quoted this) is that his sister and I 'get under his skin...'.

Something about the way you phrased your first post was giving me serious "extremist misogynist" vibes and I was wondering about his relationship with his sister, and then saw this follow-up. If the sister is younger (unable to move out herself) and he's bullying her or making her life miserable then I think you really have to consider an ultimatum about his acting at least minimally civil or moving out. You can make the choice as a parent and as an adult with agency and options to martyr yourself and tolerate his horrible behaviour, but you are also your daughter's parent and have the responsibility to protect her.

Don't rule out his going to live at his Dad's just because he "prefers" to be at yours where his things and his friends are close; you can't favour him to his sister's detriment just because he bullies you. Separating the two children may be the only fair thing to do. You can see very well that he is NOT being awful to everyone - he's nice to his friends, probably reasonable at school, OK with his dad, etc. He knows how to act "normally" and can control his behaviour, he just chooses not to extend basic respect to you and your daughter and he should reap the consequences of that. And yes, stop giving him lifts or doing things for him around the house that he could do himself; you're not doing him or anyone else any favours by pandering.

I can't understand why you can't see he needs support in addition to strong boundaries. He's getting neither from you.

Teenage boys need male role models. It looks like he's never had any.
There is no respect for authority anymore in the society.
At school kids learn that their mental health is most important and they deserve everything - they have no responsibilities and no duties.
And then add misogynistic social media to the mix.

@wherevernow his dad and I split up
when he was about 4. It was a pretty and amicable break up and when they were younger they did spend a fair amount of time with him. Infact until about 5 years ago we lived on the same street and they used to come and go freely (though a lot of that was down to his lovely girlfriend at the time). I do think it’s terrible he hasn’t made any attempt to make them feel like they have a home with him (this probably upsets DD much more than DS) but to be completely fair to him, I’m not sure how much either of them would go to hs now anyway as they much prefer to be at home with their friends and things around them. Having said that I totally agree DS has suffered because of a lack of a positive male role model.

I have been in this position with my DC. From late teens through to 30s they were horrific to me. Definitely abusive. Controlling. Violent. All the behaviours their dad exhibited. Things improved slightly when they lived independently, but returned full force when they had to return home due to financial issues. Nothing improved.

The ONLY thing that has ever helped me has been 100% standing my ground and distancing myself (grey rock / not engaging in arguments / not answering back etc). It didn't stop them at all but it helped me a bit.

While they were living with me I absolutely laid the law down. My house. My rules. Don't like it, get out. It's horrible having to do that but it IS your home. Not theirs. Yes, they have a right to live how they want, but in that case, do it elsewhere.

We had screaming arguments. It was horrific. But unfortunately there was no way round it because DC was totally resistant and very very firm in their opinion that I was the unreasonable one. Unbudging on it. Which given that they were dirty, untidy, ate most the of the food I was paying for (often leaving me none), either leaving laundry lying around OR hogging the machine (when I'd put my foot down about not doing their washing) when I was not at work (despite not working themself) so I couldn't do my own washing, I definitely wasn't. The word they embodied was entitled.

No one else will put a roof over their head for free, so at 17 if they are really determined to be awful, they need to abide by your rules. I left DC under no illusion that they were unwelcome and had to move out.

I also think DC has Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, as they've got older, they've realised that in real life, sometimes you have to knuckle down. I say now what I'll accept and stick to it. They still don't like it and kick off, at which point I disappear for a week. When I come back, they've calmed down and even if they don't give in, accept I won't budge.

Things are better now as they have moved out I think for the final time. They are still horrific at times, but when they are, I stay away and limit contact. On the whole though, things are massively better. However, their awful years have permanently damaged our relationship. I will never really trust them again.

I take it you didn’t read the post where i said

I have tried to get him help/support so many times. When he was younger he refused point blank to engage. More recently I got him a referral to CAHMS but when it came through he decided on he day of his first appointment that he didn't want to go. I did manage to get him to see a psychologist privately for about 6 sessions but then he got bored and decided she wasn't helping. Most recently I took him to a psychiatrist - the psychiatrist report stated that DS offered no reason for his very obvious hostility towards me. All he would say (and the psychiatrist quoted this) is that his sister and I 'get under his skin...'.

The situation is undoubtedly my fault but none of it is down to me not supporting him. You really have no idea

Yes you can.

Stop giving lifts for a start.

Cancel his 'phone contract until he becomes polite.

Tell him he can go and live with his dad if he doesn't change.
and get his dad involved in active co-parenting.

So when your son was 12, a really pivotal age when boys are really starting to grow and needing their Dads, your son's dad moved away and to a place where there is no room for him at his Dads? I think you also said that its in the past five years your son's behaviour has been awful, and as he is 17, that would seem to coincide with the this time when his Dad moved further out of his life?

As others have said.

No lifts.
No phone paid for.
No laundry done.
NONE of the nice, helpful mum things. If he treats you like shit, you withdraw.

He doesn’t bully her, he pretty much just ignores her. She gets upset because of the way he talks to me. I do my utmost to make it up to her and she mad I have a wonderful relationship

And I have wondered this myself but he has a lot of lovely female friends and girlfriends and he seems to be very kind and respectful to them

None of his behaviour is ok. But he's not getting any support and he's not got any boundaries - and the only adult in his family home is you so no one else can put these in except you.

Definitely involve every service you can now.

No initially when they split up and he moved out he moved a mile or so away and both kids went regularly. It’s only about a year ago that he moved away a bit to somewhere he had no room for either of them

I’m so sorry to hear this and how long it went on for, can see things going the same way with DS and me sadly. I love him so so much but you’re right, I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t even feel like I know him. Thank you for posting, it definitely helps me feel less alone

If he wants out send him to live with his dad, it's definitely dad's turn to put up with him or sort him out.

In the last 6 months I have organised a cahms referral, taken him to a psychologist and more recently a psychiatrist to get him support. This is on top numerous attempts to get him support when he was younger that he point blank refused to engage in. Aside from outside help I have tried every single day to show him how loved he is, to support and be there for him no matter how badly he has behaved. I’m not sure how that equates to a lack of support.

Your post made me smile. DS undoubtedly thinks I am an insufferable nag! I think you’re right that factual is the way to go for now

I would start to treat him as you would any other person who treats you like dirt. Stop with the concerned questions, don't phone to check on him when he says he feels sick, etc. If he speaks politely to you respond in kind. If not walk away, don't engage. As it is he knows he can be as disdainful as he wishes and you will still do things for him.

Let him go to his dad's - sleeping on a sofa won't kill him. If he threatens to leave tell him "well that might be for the best". Don't do his washing, don't give him lifts. Being his mother doesn't mean you just keep taking being treated appallingly.

Stand up to him, he might start to think twice. Think of your daughter in all this.

Trust me, if like goes tits up for him he will come crawling back. When he realises the one person who has his back and loves him unconditionally is you.
Right now he is so cock sure he thinks he knows it all. In reality he is an arrogant kid who knows very little about the world.
Take care of yourself OP. You deserve better than this.

Thank you x

I have a family member like this. She is abusive to her Mother. She has PDA and autism. Masks with everyone else and acts normal and nice. Just treats her Mother like shit. It's getting better now she is early 20s now though. Just the odd outburst.

I absolutely hated my mother from about 13-18. I couldn't wait to move out and never see her again.

After I did move out and started to heal from school bullying, and crazy teenage hormones settled down, the anger and hate evaporated. When she became ill a few years later, I happily moved her in with me so I could look after her.

I was a very unhappy teen and maybe your son is too. I hope he comes around like I did.

There's a book by Eddie Gallagher called "Who's in Charge" that you might find useful. My 13 year old DD can be very difficult and I found it was helpful in strengthening my resolve to not be treated badly.

The charity Capa First Response may also be helpful.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/sje5lzIIEMFVHBY5P

Thank you @Phineyj, I’ll take a look