DS hates me

[Dontknowwhattodo2026]

Feeling very fragile so please be gentle with me. Sorry it’s long

It is just myself, DS (17) and DD at home. DS absolutely hates my guts and makes no secret of this. I've kidded myself for years now that it's a stage and he will grow out of it but after 5 years and at 17 years old, maybe I have to accept this is who he really is/how he feels.

If I ask literally nothing of him then he is 'okay' - by okay I mean mainly indifferent/disinterested, but the second I do something to anger him - that might be wake him up for school, suggest he does some homework, or refuse to give him a lift somewhere, then he is outraged and turns on me. Shouts at me to shut up, go away and leave him alone. His mood will then spiral and can last days/weeks. He often tells me he hates me.

I've asked so many people - people that love us both very much (and would be honest with me) like my mum, sisters, close friends and they are all literally at a loss as to why he is like that and insist it is nothing I have done, but it must be mustn't it? Because this level of hatred isn't normal is it?

I am not perfect by any means - I know that on occasions I have taken his behaviour too personally and overreacted but I am never unkind or even (I don't think) unreasonable in what I ask of him. I have never put any pressure on him, all I have ever asked is that he tries his best and is kind. I have tried extremely hard to model the behaviour I'd like to see from him and to start with a clean slate the next day no matter how awfully he has behaved towards me. It makes absolutely no difference. He will never give an inch. The only thing he ever says is he wants me to leave him alone

It absolutely breaks my heart but all I want his for him to be happy and maybe he can't be with me. I don't know where to go from here.

Well I wouldn’t be doing any lifts or favours until he can at least be polite to you for a start

I doubt this is anything whatsoever to do with you OP, he's really struggling with something and taking it out on you I expect. Sounds like it started not long after he started secondary school - how is he coping with school? (if that's where he still is).

How does he behave with other people? Is his Dad around?

He never really goes to his dads anymore because he’d rather be at home with his stuff and friends round the corner. He doesn't behave with his dad like that because he wouldn't dare and neither is he like it with his friends because obviously they wouldn't tolerate it. It feels very much a case of him 'kicking the dog'

As difficult as it is, it is a common developmental stage that lots of teenage boys go through. I can remember regularly being in tears because my DS detested me. He literally didn’t do more than grunt at me from 12-18. Then almost overnight he became lovely (I suspect that this was around the time he got his first proper girlfriend and lost his virginity). He’s a darling now and treats me like a queen!

Just keep being mum. Keep loving him (even when you can’t stand him!) Pick your battles. Don’t tolerate bad behaviour. Hold your boundaries. You’re almost at the finish line. It does get better.

My DD behaved appallingly towards me from the ages of about 13 - 19. It broke my heart. In her second year of university something clicked in and she became far more reasonable, and now we have a good relationship.

I sympathise Op, I remember the feeling of utter bewilderment and dread. The setting of boundaries, the second guessing how she might react when I said something, anything at all. I think that you need to set your line in the sand - what minimum standards do you want regarding your ds's behaviour towards you - and stop doing everything for him.

Good luck.

He likes the social side of school and has a good group of friends but he point blank refuse to do any work outside of school so is almost certainly going to be asked to leave 6th form shortly. They’ve been very patient and tried so hard with him but he won’t meet them halfway.

This does sound hard, but there’s no way he should be so rude to you.

I have tried to get him help/support so many times. When he was younger he refused point blank to engage. More recently I got him a referral to CAHMS but when it came through he decided on he day of his first appointment that he didn't want to go. I did manage to get him to see a psychologist privately for about 6 sessions but then he got bored and decided she wasn't helping. Most recently I took him to a psychiatrist - the psychiatrist report stated that DS offered no reason for his very obvious hostility towards me. All he would say (and the psychiatrist quoted this) is that his sister and I 'get under his skin...'.

Im so sorry you went through it too but im glad things have improved. Thank you, you’ve given me some hope x

5 years? And how do you respond? Because he seems to have no issues being polite to people who he knows wouldn't stand for this.

I really need to hear this, thank you.

its just so difficult as he just don’t tolerate any boundaries… he just doesn’t care how much hurts/upsets/angers me. He’ll just double down on his behaviour. If I get angry he gets angrier, if I cry he says I’m playing the victim…

I’ve tried so hard to be fair and consistent but he won’t give an inch. I’ve tried love bombing, ignoring, discipline him for his behaviour but nothing works.

I know I sound pathetic but believe it or not I’m a strong person. I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from any partner or friend…but he has me over a barrel because he’s my child.

I honestly feel like I am in an abusive relationship… but one I can’t get out of

@Dontknowwhattodo2026 My son (now 29) was exactly the same. There were violent outbursts, smashing things of mine eg laptop, phone. I'd accepted physical abuse until one evening it escalated beyond all control. I think he must have been early 20s by then. 6'4. I'd learned just to say nothing and not engage. Not being submissive but simply not engaging. What I was doing though was secretly calling my Mum and her partner so they could hear it all. My 10 year old daughter was upstairs terrified.
This went on for a couple of hours as he stormed out and back in. He took my phone, smashed it on the floor and stamped on it for good measure. He was shouting that he was going to stab me and that's when I got up and reacted wanting to get him out and call the police.
It didn't get that far. He shoved me and my ribs cracked on our old slate window sills.

He started shitting himself - Mum, mum, let me help you up... Don't you fucking touch me! My phone was smashed and then I remembered DD had got one for her birthday...

Anyway long story short... I called my Mum, she was already on the way with her partner. Mum took daughter back to hers, partner took me to hospital.

3 broken ribs.

I'm begging you @Dontknowwhattodo2026 call adult social services and get help now.
I tried to change things myself for years. I couldn't and I didn't.
You need professional intervention. There not going to take your son away, they're going to support you all through this.

Please do not do this on your own. It's support and you all need support from an outside party.

Sending all my best. Please do this. Please.

I’m a so so sorry for what you’ve been through, it honestly sent a chill down me. Do you mind me asking how things are between you and your son now?

I’m just not sure so social services would be very interested in us. I’m not physically scared of him at least not so far, and from the outside at least it probably sounds like I’m making a fuss over nothing. Maybe I am, I’m so worn down with it all I honestly can’t see the wood for the trees anymore

One positive thing I have done today is arrange for some counselling for myself. Everyone’s been telling me to do it for ages but I’ve resisted. Hopefully they will be able to help me find ways to improve our relationship… but if not perhaps they can at least help me distance myself a bit for my own sanity

Yep, I know exactly how you feel. Or I did. I'm a lot happier now - old, free and single 😂
I'm glad you're getting counselling for yourself. That's really important. I wish I had done or reached out to someone, but when the abuse first started (when he was 15) I'd never heard of child to parent domestic violence, iy wasn't spoken about.

Erm things are okay right now, he has his life, I have mine. I took him out as a treat to our favourite comedian last year. It's almost like he is very proud and very protective of me. But then he switched and that was a lovely night ruined.
The only thing he does differently now is grovelling apologies, but I'm past caring and I think that frihhyens him. He's almost like a little boy afterwards... Until the next time. He knows I'll no longer take his shit, he knows I'll call the police in a heartbeat and that his apologies are meaningless.
I love him with all of my heart and we can get on brill antly andvtalk and laugh... But it's always there. It's sad. It's such a shame.
He will not and has never engaged in any sort of therapy.
I've done my bit. Both children are grown now so for the first time in 30 years I'm putting myself first.

Keep in touch and let me know how you are and how the counselling is going, either here or via PM.

You've made a wonderful start and you're not alone.

Of course frihhyens = frightens. I think it's Swedish... 🤔😂

How would you feel about telling him to leave, if there was somewhere else he could go to for a while? Maybe a little distance would help. It's not any easy thing to consider, but it may go somewhere towards helping him realise how damaging his behaviour is.

I dont think its necessarily that he hates you....He just has absolutely no respect for you. Pack his bags, leave them at his dads house, change the locks and tell him he can fuck off until he learns to treat the person who does most for him in the world with a modicum of respect.

Yes 100% agree about him not respecting me - he looks and talks to me like something he has wiped off his shoe. The psychiatrist saw us both together and was quite shocked at the level of disdain he has for me, especially as he offered no reason for it.

Honestly.....and I would never believe I could say this, but I would love for him to move out now, for me and his sister to be able to live peacefully and not be constantly walking on eggshells. The thought has always terrified me in case it ruined our relationship even further but we're at the stage now there is very little left to ruin and I can't see any other option. He tells me constantly he hates living here with me and will be out as soon as he can. Realistically though he doesn't have anywhere else to go or anyway of funding it at the moment. His dad is pretty useless and has moved to a house with no room for either child so he'd be sleeping on his sofa. My mum has offered but there is no way I am putting this on her at 72.

AlgaeDreams - I'm really glad you're putting yourself first at last and have managed to put some boundaries in place. This is what I keep clinging to - this wont be forever and although I don't think we'll ever have the relationship I imagined or hoped for, maybe in time when he living independently than we can start to re-build something on a a different more equal footing. Just got to somehow get through the next few years 😳

I feel very sympathetic. I’ve brought up two sons. In your shoes I’d have a word with your ex and ask if he could take his son, now. If it possible, I’d get the son out of my home as much as possible, to stay with dad, and explain ‘ this is for my mental health. Your attitude toward me is untenable to live with. I need a happy home and until you can have an attitude of gratitude and an open heart, I can’t have you around me.’
he is luxuriating in petty vengefulness toward you with no care of his impact. Time for impact awareness.

There is a big difference between being a moody teenager and acting aggressive and shouting in your face. He is old enough to get himself up for school so I would stop doing that. You already have the answer to why he does this, because you are letting him. You need to put a stop to this now. Make it clear that you will not put up with this behaviour any longer.

This is not normal teenage behaviour. Tell him he can go and live with his dad if he doesn't change.

Could it be pathological demand avoidance? Just going from his refusal to do homework as well. He can tolerate college to an extent but beyond that he is highly reactive to perceived or real demands?

I’m not saying this to excuse the behaviour he’s showing by the way, which is totally unacceptable and I’m also sending a handhold 💐.