Partner terminally ill - should we get married?

[Butterbeanbutterbo]

My partner is terminally ill, probably now in final months of life, and we are considering getting married. We have been together over 20 years and have a now-adult child. What are the pros and cons of doing this? We know it would mean me being eligible for bereavement allowance once my partner dies. Also that we would have to change our wills to reflect the fact we’re married. Anything else we need to think about? Note we are below the inheritance tax threshold. I currently have power of attorney for health and finances.

Sorry for your situation. It may increase your state pension but I am not sure on this.

I did it, married in ICU, he died three weeks later. For me it was needed as I was pregnant and needed to be able to register baby as his.

I dislike the institution of marriage but it made things easier especially as people grasp the situation properly when I say my husband died, rather than partner.

If you're in England that's not correct. PoA ceases on the persons death. Any bank accounts in their name only are automatically frozen.

That. I spent a fair bit of time when my husband was in his last months, ensuring that all our savings and bank accounts were in joint names. Then I ensured that my name came first on all utilities accounts, so that I was considered the account holder (both names were already on the accounts but as his came first he was considered the account holder).

I can't remember the other preventative admin stuff, but it all made an awful time much easier when he died. No probate, no change of accounts, no having to prove things to everyone.

Re the question in your OP, check your home insurance @Butterbeanbutterbo . Most include a legal helpline, even if you don't have legal cover. Mine was a lifesaver in another situation. Give them a call and they'll be able to advise you on the marriage thing.

All the best. I feel great empathy for your situation.

The rules are out there, freely available eg HMRC website and the same for everyone. When you see a legal or financial expert, their expertise is to inform you how they affect your specific circumstances and interpret them for you so you don't have to wade through all the info trying to work out what is relevant and what isn't. It's definitely money well spent.

Marriage is likely to invalidate current wills.

Marriage WILL invalidate current wills, unless they are made 'in contemplation of marriage'.

OP and DH should have new wills drawn up and signed alongside planning the marriage ceremony. As soon as they are married, the existing wills become invalid.

If I annoy you give money to MacMillan as the Macmillan Welfare Advice worker in my area sends no end of work for me to sort.............

But she is a dab hand at deathbed wills & marriages so do get these things sorted

Do you have a property OP is it <325k total value? You do not have 500k to play with as you are not married and RNRB is spouse or bloodline only.

Widows pension? You sure about that?

2017 the bereavement support that widows received changed. There is no more a widows pension.you get 18 months of support which add up to not a lot. Then you’re on your lonesome in life and financially. By husband died in 2018 this is all I got. And yes it urks me that he died a few months after the changes came into place.!

@Butterbeanbutterbo , I’m so sorry what a dreadful situation you’re in.
Our next door neighbour and his partner like you have lived together as man and wife for many years but didn’t marry. About 18 months ago he had a devastating brain haemorrhage. His partner had an absolutely awful time with the doctors trying to implement what she knew would be his wishes because they weren’t legally married (I find this shocking). She battled for him and eventually he came home a very different man, disabled and with a carer but alive because his partner fought for him when the doctors wanted to let him go. I don’t know all the details but as soon as he was physically able they legally married so that neither of them would be in that situation again. I think this should be a consideration. Sending you strength. 🙏🏻

Exactly this. And when you are more concerned with spending time with someone who is terminally ill the last thing you want to do is to be reading and re reading information that you are not quite sure about, knowing that if you get it wrong it could cost you both financially and emotionally.

For example, if you are not legally next of kin then the next of kin can make decisions that you might not agree with or want, but over which you have no control.

OP I would have the wedding, it will be bittersweet, but in the future you will know it was the right thing to do.

when my brother was terminally ill the advice was to marry his long term partner as it would make all the legal stuff easier such as pension, death in service benefit etc.

My dad's partner died recently. They had never got married, and although she redid her will on diagnosis to make him executor, they didn't get married because of her frankly quite awful children and their nightmare of a shithead father. Dad had PoA which made things slightly easier in hospital and on hospice care as her children were nowhere to be found and she organised her funeral and gave away as much as possible of her stuff while in hospice. However it has left him explaining his grief of his "girlfriend" rather than wife. I struggled to get time off school for my kids for her funeral as she wasn't officially their grandmother - and she wasn't my stepmother. Except she was in all ways that it counts. It really isn't just a bit of paper.

Sending you strength in whatever you decide.

Not in Scotland. Marriage does not invalidate pre-existing wills. I don't presume to speak for the law in N. Ireland.

Definitely get married. It makes things easier. My BIL and his wife got married when they found out he was dying. It made nice memories as well.

I am so, so sorry, OP.

I have no idea what the legal implications are, so like others have said, you might want to take advice.

But, you might want to get your skates on if you think you might want to marry, because if your partner goes downhill faster than you think, you might not be able to marry if he's deemed not competent to understand what he's doing.

Best of luck. 💐

A late friend of mine and his partner got married a few days before he died. They did it because it meant no IHT paid and she was then his next of kin so could make decisions over his funeral etc. It also meant that things like probate etc was easier. It also meant that his family couldnt barge their way in as they had a habit of doing as had the final legal say.

You would be amazed how badly some people behave after a death, especially if they think there might be some money going, so having the legal protection of being his wife (and him making a will just to be safe as well) can make a huge difference.

I am sorry that he is so ill and I hope you can enjoy the time you have together x

You've got lots to read through about the legal and financial side. I just wanted to add another thought. My Mum married a couple of months before she died. It was thrown together very quickly but was one of the most beautiful, joyous celebrations I've been too. We all knew it would be the last thing we would gather together for, with her there. It gave us all some beautiful memories that made what came after a little easier to bear.

I'm so very sorry you are in this situation. It's so awful knowing that your life partner is on end of life care. I've been there myself and my lovely DH died in March this year after 33 years of marriage.

It has helped a lot that we were married as I was officially next of kin so discussions with health and financial institutions have been much easier. It also helped that we had made proper wills about 10 years ago which were largely still up-to-date and could be actioned.

We still need probate for a few things because his estate was not totally simple, and that application is soon to go in.

I am with those saying that they see no downside to getting married. I think you should do it. Make it as good an occasion as you can too. You have my very best wishes.

For me and my family, we've no sooner almost finished winding up DH's estate than we have now lost my mother too. She was 90 and died barely 3 months after my DH did. So I now have to start the whole process again. Can 2026 get any worse?

I've been there, & we got married in our own home a few days before he died.
It was certainly worthwhile - financially & emotionally.

Might be wrong, OP, but I don’t think you have to apply for probate if you’re married and everything comes to you. Probate can take several months to be granted, so being able to skip that makes everything slightly easier logistically.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

@Butterbeanbutterbo I am
sorry you are where you are. I think the practicalities are covered in previous posts. I can only add that you should think about what may make you happy and calmer at a difficult time.

@LatteLady I do need to correct you here. Next of kin has no legal status in the uk in terms of health. You can list anyone as an emergency contact and medics will be pragmatic in terms of decision making if the patient is incapable. They will not ask for evidence of marriage and in the absence of this, ignore a partner they can see living in a shared home or who has been the main point of contact in hospital, in favour of tracking down a parent or sibling.

OP, in most UK jurisdictions you could also opt for a civil partnership, as an alternative. It gives you the same legal and financial rights and protection as marriage, but it is a simple as signing legal paperwork, with an authorised person and 2 witnesses.

I know some previous posters have spoken about the beauty and the emotional side of a short notice wedding, but given you've not wanted to get married previously, you can also choose to see this an another piece of the 'sorting things out' jigsaw.

Whichever route, get onto it quickly. There is a notice period (I think 29 days). Everything only gets more complicated if your partner is likely to die in a shorter period - medical and legal questions about competence etc. If your partner is currently terribly, terribly unwell, finds it difficult to remain awake and conscious, or to speak, then a civil partnership is a much easier option.

Once your partner has sadly died, access to his financial information is massively simplified if you are married or in a civil partnership. This includes things like his personal mobile phone account, subscriptions he may have had to netflix etc.

Not legal but important is getting access to as many of his online accounts as you can. Do this now. Get his passwords (only with his absoloute permission) for bank accounts, facebook, email accounts. Ask him to share his email contacts list, whatsapp friends and groups etc, his phone contacts. It can be an awful process if you are trying to contact people to tell them about a worsening situation, or a death, and your realise only then, that you have no way of contacting them.

Really sorry you're in this situation.

YES. dont worry or wonder about the whys or wherefores. Just do it. It makes everything easier.

This is what my partner and I did, we had been together 20 yrs , had three kids and a joint house, but was worried about financial implications if he passed and we weren’t married, made pension a lot easier, and I was entitled to more as a married person