Partner says he wants to stay, but rejects me and baby

[Orchid556]

I’m 26 weeks pregnant, it was an accidental pregnancy in that it happened on the coil. My partner of 10 years took it badly when I decided to keep the baby. I completely understood, after all, it was unplanned, my decision and I had to respect that. He decided to stay but he’s suffering now with a deep depression. He told me he would adjust with time but he still hasn’t. He’s having counselling but the counselling seems to be giving him a negative view of me and this idea I trapped him (again untrue, but alas).

Some things that are happening

1. Will not have any form of intimacy with me and hasn’t since I was 10 weeks or so. This includes hugs, hand holding. Anything. He physically flinches if I even go to hug him. Sleeps separately. If I talk to him in the car, he will up the radio.
2. Will not engage with anything hardly to do with the baby. Will not feel it kick, will not talk about its room or birth or anything. He does contribute slightly financially to baby things but has said it makes him grit his teeth to give me money for those things
3. Will come to scans but will spend the whole time staring at the wall not the screen.

So this all screams that he wants out, yet he doesn’t. He just apologises over and over for the way he is, says it will change, he needs more time. He’s off work with depression and now on medication. He wasn’t off before the pregnancy. If I suggest breaking up or him leaving for a break or not being involved, he begs me not to shut him out and that he wants to be here with me and the baby yet I guess his whole attitude is the opposite.

Im trying my hardest to be understanding. Not put pressure on. Listen to his feelings but it’s painful to feel so rejected I feel double rejection because of the baby too. We don’t live together due to his work so that’s not a problem, but he did stay 3/4 times a week. This is down to 2 times a month max and it’s always spare bedroom.

My kind of final straw yesterday was I had reduced movements. I was terrified and feeling unwell in myself. He’s currently 1 and a half hours away living at a work training camp (RAF) but not currently at work.

I rang him to say I’d phoned maternity triage and was going in, could he please get there. Well after I phoned he decided to have a slow lunch, a long shower, and it took him 3 hours to get there, which at that point I’d luckily been discharged with antibiotics. As soon as he arrived, he was immediately cold again, uninterested but then as soon as I suggested he go home he begged me to let him stay and cried. I reached my hand out to him and he lightly gripped my finger before pushing my hand away.

I honestly feel so confused and like I’m being tortured at this point emotionally. I also just don’t know what to do.

Oh goodness. I would protect your own wellbeing, there is no partnership there at the moment and what contact you do have with him is causing you more stress. Would it not be clearer for everyone to say that the relationship is over, and that you have no expectations of support from him? Then look to other people in your life to support you with situations like the reduced movements, and even the birth itself. It doesn't matter if he says that's not what he wants, his actions and behaviour tell a different story and that's what you have to deal with, not his words.

I am so sorry you are in this position.

Words are easy. It's actions which tell you who a person is.

A strong possibility here is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, or parent your child, but doesn't want to be the one to end it. He would prefer not to have to tell people he walked out on someone he impregnated, so he's hoping you will end it.

You both took the risk of having sex. A very small risk as you were on reliable contraception, but you both knew there was a tiny risk and are therefore equally responsible for creating a baby. Don't let him try to blame you!

I would end it, give the baby your surname, claim maintenance via CMS, and rely on friends and family for support with the pregnancy and childrearing.

He wants you to tell him to go so that he can play the wounded soldier and so he can claim it's all your fault (like it doesn't take 2 to tango 🙄).

Sorry OP, he sounds like an arse. He's entitled to not like the situation. He's not entitled to blow hot or cold and make you miserable into the bargain.

Give him what he wants and dont put up with his drama.

He wants out but he wants you to make the decision for him.

He’s an abusive prick. Split up and focus on you and your baby.

You really don't need all this. Whether he's attempting to force your hand or not, kick him out. You'll be much happier and calmer without him ruining the household and just yourself and your baby to care for.

It also strikes me that you are trying very hard to be understanding, and he is not. The situation is not what anyone wanted, but there is no one person that is to blame here so there is no need to treat you like you've done something wrong.

Did he ever want to have children? This is quite an extreme reaction towards an unplanned pregnancy in a long term relationship.

He’s not got the guts to walk away and be seen as the bad guy, he wants you to do it.

Put yourself and this baby first and walk away before your mental health crumbles.

He wants you to dump him so he's the victim.

You've been together 10 years and you trapped him? Have a laugh.

What's this bloke going to contribute to your or your baby's life?

Ditch that loser and focus on yourself and your child.

He was happy to have sex with you, which is always going to carry a risk of pregnancy even with contraception, and you have been together for 10 years.

And now he is falling apart because he is going to be a father?

Stop wasting your time and energy with him.

He will ever sort himself or he won't but don't get caught up in his 'drama' any further. Tell him to leave and come back when he has finally managed to grow up and man up.

I mean this with love.....you are no longer simply advocating for yourself. You are also advocating for another human being. You must learn to be strong and advocate for two. This is so so important

Get rid of this dreadful man. Stop all the prevarication and walk into your new, calm, happy, child-led, idiot free wonderful new life

Tell him to leave. He’s not able to have a relationship and not able to be a father. Build walls.

Prioritise you and your baby, cut him loose.

HE IMPREGNATED YOU!!

It sounds like you were the only one using contraception (the coil) and presumably he hasn’t had the snip and didn’t use condoms??

If not, he’s got fuck all to complain about, he knows how babies are made and did nothing to prevent it.

Please realise you are doing this alone, bin him off, raise your child as a single parent and get CMS involved as soon as the baby arrives (although if he’s not working, I doubt he’ll be much of a provider 🙄)

Don’t let this fucktard mess with your head. Stressing about him and his needs (when he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or the baby) isn’t helping anyone.

This baby was made by HIM not being proactive about contraception and him alone, so don’t you dare let him blame you, you are the only one here acting like an adult and doing the best for your child.

Take care of yourself.

He's absolutely not acting like someone who wants to stay.
Have you challenged him on this, directly asked him why he's saying one thing and acting completely opposite?

If you're feeling generous give him one last chance by letting him know unless he resumes a normal level of affection, connection and actual HUMANITY the relationship is over regardless of what he says or how much he cries.

Don’t ask him what he wants to do .
Tell him that the situation is untenable and to leave.
Do you really want to live like this ?

I’m being tortured at this point emotionally. I also just don’t know what to do.

He stays twice a month in the spare bedroom, and the outcome of that is that you're not only trying to look after yourself, and prepare for birth and new motherhood, you're being drained by this manchild who's now "depressed" and is treating you like you've got the plague.

I would be making his mind up for him and ending it immediately. He has very clearly demonstrated that not only is he not invested, he's uninterested and is a positive drain on your resources. Believe me when I tell you that you will be better off without him. Make his mind up for him, and you can redirect all that energy you're leaking on him back to yourself and your baby.

Useless twat, don't give him another day of your life.

The relationship is over. Tell him not to bother getting in contact with you again. You can do this by yourself with less stress. I hope you have a support network around you

OP, this must be incredibly difficult. I am delighted you don't live together. You do not deserve to let any person into your house ever who does not have your best interests at heart. I would finish this instantly. You need to focus on you and the baby. He may have many issues/difficulties that might be influencing his treatment of you but what is important now is you and your baby, and he is currently supporting neither. If I had to find a silver lining, at least you know now.

He will miss out. If he changes his mind in the future and wants some contact with his child you can consider the situation then. Is there someone else in your life who can be your birth partner and provide you with support/share your excitement at this baby coming into your life?

I would also sort out perusing him for child support. He can grit his teeth every time the money goes out of his account...

Tell him to go. Relationships are a two way process - you don't have to sit idly by whilst he comes to terms wiith having a child in a 10 year relationship.

Please tell him to get himself a bed on camp and go. You will sort out CM and access to the baby if he wants it, when it's born. You will have a less stressful time without him altogether. Don't 'suggest' it. Tell him. You are done with him.

Is he going to leave the workforce permanently with “depression”? Will you be supporting both him and the baby?

This !
Surely you have lost all love and respect for him now. What an unpleasant man he is. Any adult having sex knows it carries the risk of pregnancy. If he doesn’t want children he could have had the snip.

I think you need to end this relationship.
If he is equally cold with his child that will affect their emotional development and wellbeing.

If he gets himself sorted and proves himself a good dad you can revisit things in the future if you want to.

Tear the plaster off. Its going to end anyway, and if you end it then he might actually remove his head from his arse long enough to realise what he has lost and work to regain your trust.

Or not.

Accept that you are going to be a single mother, embrace it and prepare on that basis. If he does step up after the baby is born (has been known to happen) then great, you can accept that if you want to, knowing that you dont NEED to.

I think instead of letting this ‘relationship’ limp on, you need to tell him that you’re ending it.
He is being of no support to you emotionally and physically and is in fact causing you stress and unhappiness.
He doesn’t want to have the child and whilst he can decide that, you have decided to keep it, that is a fundamental difference that can’t be fixed, trying to continue when you have such opposing views is only going to bring you both unhappiness.
No contraception is 100% so that fact he had sex with you, without I assume condoms to make doubly sure that conception was even more unlikely because he doesn’t want children means he needs to share responsibility, this is not you trapping him but a consequence to his actions too.
You do not want someone around your precious baby that doesn’t want them, or pretending to feel something they don’t, a child needs to be surrounded by a people that they know love and care for them, not be emotionally distant and resent them.
Have you a good support network from friends and family?