Partner says he wants to stay, but rejects me and baby

[Orchid556]

I’m 26 weeks pregnant, it was an accidental pregnancy in that it happened on the coil. My partner of 10 years took it badly when I decided to keep the baby. I completely understood, after all, it was unplanned, my decision and I had to respect that. He decided to stay but he’s suffering now with a deep depression. He told me he would adjust with time but he still hasn’t. He’s having counselling but the counselling seems to be giving him a negative view of me and this idea I trapped him (again untrue, but alas).

Some things that are happening

1. Will not have any form of intimacy with me and hasn’t since I was 10 weeks or so. This includes hugs, hand holding. Anything. He physically flinches if I even go to hug him. Sleeps separately. If I talk to him in the car, he will up the radio.
2. Will not engage with anything hardly to do with the baby. Will not feel it kick, will not talk about its room or birth or anything. He does contribute slightly financially to baby things but has said it makes him grit his teeth to give me money for those things
3. Will come to scans but will spend the whole time staring at the wall not the screen.

So this all screams that he wants out, yet he doesn’t. He just apologises over and over for the way he is, says it will change, he needs more time. He’s off work with depression and now on medication. He wasn’t off before the pregnancy. If I suggest breaking up or him leaving for a break or not being involved, he begs me not to shut him out and that he wants to be here with me and the baby yet I guess his whole attitude is the opposite.

Im trying my hardest to be understanding. Not put pressure on. Listen to his feelings but it’s painful to feel so rejected I feel double rejection because of the baby too. We don’t live together due to his work so that’s not a problem, but he did stay 3/4 times a week. This is down to 2 times a month max and it’s always spare bedroom.

My kind of final straw yesterday was I had reduced movements. I was terrified and feeling unwell in myself. He’s currently 1 and a half hours away living at a work training camp (RAF) but not currently at work.

I rang him to say I’d phoned maternity triage and was going in, could he please get there. Well after I phoned he decided to have a slow lunch, a long shower, and it took him 3 hours to get there, which at that point I’d luckily been discharged with antibiotics. As soon as he arrived, he was immediately cold again, uninterested but then as soon as I suggested he go home he begged me to let him stay and cried. I reached my hand out to him and he lightly gripped my finger before pushing my hand away.

I honestly feel so confused and like I’m being tortured at this point emotionally. I also just don’t know what to do.

If I talk to him in the car, he will up the radio.

That's not depression, or anxiety about being a father. That is bog standard nastiness from a bog standard nasty man. It's time to get rid before he messes with your head even more. You don't need him and your baby definitely doesn't need him.

Do you own together op? Is it that he doesn’t want to leave the house? Nobody should live with someone who won’t show them any connection at all

He is being cruel. Time to kick him out. Not good for you or your baby. Put you and your baby first as he certainly is not.

He doesn’t want you or baby but wants you to break it off.

Shocked to read that. Sounds like the way a 19 year old would behave. You poor love.

Agree with others. This man doesn’t want a baby and wants you to be the one to break it off so he doesn’t look bad for dumping a pregnant woman. Ugh. Put yourself and your baby first and get rid of this selfish creature op.

You'll be much better with him out of your life.

It is time to put yourself first .

plan for a future just you and your baby .

Keep you and your baby safe - I would not trust this man at all - he comes across as cruel and selfish

He obviously wants for you to be the one who ends it so he doesn’t look bad. Personally, at least for the moment, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
I would not contact him proactively, not ask him for money for baby things (obvs claim CMS post birth) and not lean on him re the baby - no asking him to attend appointments, no requests to come over if things are difficult. It is clear as a couple you are over so start getting used to it.
When he gets in touch to come over, I’d ask if he is still unable to cope with you touching him. If the answer is yes, say no, you can’t come over as that is too upsetting for me so stay there until you can. If he lies, says he can, then behaves badly when he gets there, call him out on it and tell him to go away until he can behave respectfully.
Eventually he is going to have to man up and break it off or this will die a natural death through lack of contact. I wouldn’t even contact him when I go into labour. Live your life as though he doesn’t exist.

This. Get a different support network. You can’t support him he needs to get his own support and counselling.

He sounds very unwell or very, very immature and selfish - I wouldn’t want myself or my baby anywhere near him tbh.
Either way I would be extremely worried about the welfare of a child in this environment.
Time you took charge and ended this farce.

Absolutely this.

He sounds cruel and emotionally abusive and manipulative. Don't let this awful man torture you any longer. Take control back by putting yourself and the baby first. You dont have to put up with his behaviour anymore. You arent married and you dont live with him. Dump him now because he doesnt get to mess you around anymore.

He is ruining your pregnancy. This is unlikely to improve. Get out now.

He will suck every last bit of joy out of your pregnancy and birth and the precious first days with your baby.
Ive experienced this and everytime I look at my adult DS thats all I see when I remember his early days.
It makes me bitter and sad. Don't be me. Send this fool away if he cant be a man. Its about you and the baby NOT him.

I found it interesting that he’s been signed off, is on anti-depressants and was crying when you asked him to leave. Is he scared of parenthood for a particular reason? Can you speak to anyone who might give some insight into his response?

This. Get rid of him before he bleeds you dry.

You need to focus on yourself and your child.

Did/does he have an absent or abusive father?

10 years and you still don’t live together! Did you agree to no children in the first place or were you pushed into it?
What do his family make of it? They should be kicking him into action.

Ultimately you’ll be fine and will love your baby. His behaviour is unfathomable though.

"So this all screams that he wants out, yet he doesn’t."
What it screams to me is that he is punishing you for getting pregnant.

Now is the time to prioritise yourself. Right now you are bending over backwards for him and his tears, his nastiness, his begging for more time - he says to adjust, I say to torture you. You need to stop that ASAP.

He is "living at a work training camp (RAF)"? Then he needs to stay there. Tell him he no longer lives with you, his behaviour is bad for your health and you are putting your health before his constant punishment. It's clear to you that this relationship cannot recover (it really can't) and it's best for both of you to move on.

Get the keys back off him, but change the lock anyway. He sounds vindictive.

I'd have zero patience with this nonsense. He's making it all about him and having zero consideration for you or the baby. Is he actually a grown up? Just dump him. He's no use to man nor beast.

I’d suggest you leave him to it otherwise your whole pregnancy and early time with your baby is going to be tainted by him hanging around causing stress and tension. It’s not about him anymore and you’re not going to have the time to deal with his moods and games once the baby is born.

Get rid asap and enjoy the rest of your life. He clearly can’t or won’t cope with life in the real world.

As everyone else has said… you actually do know what to do. You can’t carry on like this and need to take control and end the relationship.

He can consider in his own time how he feels about baby but not at your expense.

and frankly, you calling him and asserting that you need him and he lolls about… that’s abusive and suggests he’s enjoying watching you in anguish.

Take the control away from him.

Do not put him on the birth certificate and make sure the baby has your surname.

It sounds like you have your own home - tell him to leave and say you want space and time to focus on your health. The space from him will allow you more time to detach, focus on the baby and become stronger.

Do you have friends or family who can help you? Invest in these relationships and get rid of him. His behaviour is vile - it will not improve!