Partner says he wants to stay, but rejects me and baby

[Orchid556]

I’m 26 weeks pregnant, it was an accidental pregnancy in that it happened on the coil. My partner of 10 years took it badly when I decided to keep the baby. I completely understood, after all, it was unplanned, my decision and I had to respect that. He decided to stay but he’s suffering now with a deep depression. He told me he would adjust with time but he still hasn’t. He’s having counselling but the counselling seems to be giving him a negative view of me and this idea I trapped him (again untrue, but alas).

Some things that are happening

1. Will not have any form of intimacy with me and hasn’t since I was 10 weeks or so. This includes hugs, hand holding. Anything. He physically flinches if I even go to hug him. Sleeps separately. If I talk to him in the car, he will up the radio.
2. Will not engage with anything hardly to do with the baby. Will not feel it kick, will not talk about its room or birth or anything. He does contribute slightly financially to baby things but has said it makes him grit his teeth to give me money for those things
3. Will come to scans but will spend the whole time staring at the wall not the screen.

So this all screams that he wants out, yet he doesn’t. He just apologises over and over for the way he is, says it will change, he needs more time. He’s off work with depression and now on medication. He wasn’t off before the pregnancy. If I suggest breaking up or him leaving for a break or not being involved, he begs me not to shut him out and that he wants to be here with me and the baby yet I guess his whole attitude is the opposite.

Im trying my hardest to be understanding. Not put pressure on. Listen to his feelings but it’s painful to feel so rejected I feel double rejection because of the baby too. We don’t live together due to his work so that’s not a problem, but he did stay 3/4 times a week. This is down to 2 times a month max and it’s always spare bedroom.

My kind of final straw yesterday was I had reduced movements. I was terrified and feeling unwell in myself. He’s currently 1 and a half hours away living at a work training camp (RAF) but not currently at work.

I rang him to say I’d phoned maternity triage and was going in, could he please get there. Well after I phoned he decided to have a slow lunch, a long shower, and it took him 3 hours to get there, which at that point I’d luckily been discharged with antibiotics. As soon as he arrived, he was immediately cold again, uninterested but then as soon as I suggested he go home he begged me to let him stay and cried. I reached my hand out to him and he lightly gripped my finger before pushing my hand away.

I honestly feel so confused and like I’m being tortured at this point emotionally. I also just don’t know what to do.

Do not underestimate the effects of this level of up and down stress on the unborn baby. I’ve been through it with two of my pregnancies and though it could be coincidental, the difference between those children, now adults, and my non-stressful pregnancy, is night and day

You wouldn’t treat a random distant relative or a mate from book club the way he’s treating you. If your second cousin called in a panic because she needed support at the hospital, and you agreed to go, you would bloody well go, not faff about having lunch and a shower.

Baby or not, this man is showing absolutely no care for YOU, the woman he has (apparently) loved for ten years.

You deserve better, and so does your child.

He wants to live in your house and an easy life! NOT a partner and a baby. Just tell
him not to come back to your house for anything other than to pick up his stuff off the front porch

Nah, he wants the home comforts and status without having to face the actual consequences of his actions.

He appears to not be able to make up his mind as to whether he is in a real partnership with you or wants out of the responsibility. As others say, he likely wants out but not be the one to end it. What a cowardly reprobate he must be.
So, OP do get rid, but be strategic - tell him he must either shape up and be a full responsible partner to you with the baby, or to leave. Make him choose. Be firm that its his decision. Don't plead or make it easy for him. The decision to go needs to be his, but it needs to be soon. No more hanging on in this stressful way that is so bad for you and baby. He needs to man up and go of his own accord. You will soon be rid of him when he walks. It must be awful for you to feel the betrayal and let-down by someone you trusted, and the mind games he is putting you through now, but you will be better off when he is gone. What a miserable specimen of a so called man he is.