Partner says he wants to stay, but rejects me and baby

[Orchid556]

I’m 26 weeks pregnant, it was an accidental pregnancy in that it happened on the coil. My partner of 10 years took it badly when I decided to keep the baby. I completely understood, after all, it was unplanned, my decision and I had to respect that. He decided to stay but he’s suffering now with a deep depression. He told me he would adjust with time but he still hasn’t. He’s having counselling but the counselling seems to be giving him a negative view of me and this idea I trapped him (again untrue, but alas).

Some things that are happening

1. Will not have any form of intimacy with me and hasn’t since I was 10 weeks or so. This includes hugs, hand holding. Anything. He physically flinches if I even go to hug him. Sleeps separately. If I talk to him in the car, he will up the radio.
2. Will not engage with anything hardly to do with the baby. Will not feel it kick, will not talk about its room or birth or anything. He does contribute slightly financially to baby things but has said it makes him grit his teeth to give me money for those things
3. Will come to scans but will spend the whole time staring at the wall not the screen.

So this all screams that he wants out, yet he doesn’t. He just apologises over and over for the way he is, says it will change, he needs more time. He’s off work with depression and now on medication. He wasn’t off before the pregnancy. If I suggest breaking up or him leaving for a break or not being involved, he begs me not to shut him out and that he wants to be here with me and the baby yet I guess his whole attitude is the opposite.

Im trying my hardest to be understanding. Not put pressure on. Listen to his feelings but it’s painful to feel so rejected I feel double rejection because of the baby too. We don’t live together due to his work so that’s not a problem, but he did stay 3/4 times a week. This is down to 2 times a month max and it’s always spare bedroom.

My kind of final straw yesterday was I had reduced movements. I was terrified and feeling unwell in myself. He’s currently 1 and a half hours away living at a work training camp (RAF) but not currently at work.

I rang him to say I’d phoned maternity triage and was going in, could he please get there. Well after I phoned he decided to have a slow lunch, a long shower, and it took him 3 hours to get there, which at that point I’d luckily been discharged with antibiotics. As soon as he arrived, he was immediately cold again, uninterested but then as soon as I suggested he go home he begged me to let him stay and cried. I reached my hand out to him and he lightly gripped my finger before pushing my hand away.

I honestly feel so confused and like I’m being tortured at this point emotionally. I also just don’t know what to do.

He’s not the only person who gets to
make decisions about the relationship and the baby, you have an equal right to put boundaries in place.
how long are you happy to be in a relationship with no intimacy or support?
What happens at the birth? Will he attend? Will he be supportive?
when do you draw the line to protect the baby? When they’re newborn and crying but he won’t interact with them? When they’re 6 weeks and smiling but Dad does smile back? At 6 months when they’re are holding out arms to pick them up?

It actually sounds as though he is punishing you for being pregnant OP.

Please end this relationship. Prioritise yourself and your wee baby. And make sure he contributes financially.

I find myself feeling furious on your behalf as I was reading this. How dare he punish you for being pregnant - it takes two to tango and no contraceptive is 100% effective.

I'm afraid I'd have no time for his 'depression' - I think it's just a convenient excuse for behaving like an arsehole. You don't need his permission to end the relationship, he is treating you appallingly and you have to ask yourself why you are putting up with it. There is no excuse for the way he is treating you.

At least you don't live together so it should be fairly easy to put an end to this. Frankly, he doesn't deserve your kindness or consideration. Start prioritising yourself and your baby. Look elsewhere for help and support and once the baby is born, make sure you apply for CMS.

This

As many others have said, he wants you to do the dumping so he's the poor wounded soldier wronged by a nasty woman. If you finish him he can fuck off blame free.

Honestly.how have you tolerated ANY of this? Condoms and vasectomies are readily available.

He sounds like a loser, sorry. You and your baby deserve better. I can almost guarantee you will regret staying with someone like that as he will do his best to spoil any happy moment.

Chuck him in the bin. You are 10 years into this relationship, don’t live together, saw each other 3-4 nights a week in the good ole days, which is what most people would expect of some random they just started dating 5 weeks ago. Now at most, he comes to stay twice a month, flinches when you touch him and sleeps in the spare room. This is abuse. It’s completely abusive behaviour. And these are the EASY days! You have not even gotten to the hard bit that breaks even the most solid relationships yet. Bin him. He will be a distraction from your lovely baby. It sounds like he liked having all the attention. Being able to demand whatever he wanted you to give him. Now he doesn’t have all your attention anymore and he’s having a tantrum like a toddler. Seriously twisted behaviour. It will only get worse and I’d be worried he could pose a risk to your baby. He doesn’t sound emotionally stable. Make a clean break now so you can be prepared to parent your baby without all the baggage he’s dropping on your lap.

Ditto.

We can all say he’s this and he’s that. Doesn’t change anything.

You’re pregnant and you’re the one who should be protected. Protect yourself.

Who cares?! That just leads to some navel gazing excuse aka words aka not the OP’s problem

Bin him, a message will do it for the effort he’s put in, say I don’t think this is working. I need to think of the baby, and your focus is you.’

He’s vile! He doesn’t even like you never mind love you.
My ex was horrible to me and I’m telling you now, this resentment will also extend to your child. I’m sorry.

This 💯
He is abusing you OP and I'm also furious on your behalf. The crying and apologizing sound like a whole load of BS to be honest.
If he was THAT remorseful and "trying" you would have seen SOME signs of it! Fact, he is doing the opposite and wants to make you feel like sh*t.
I agree with PP he is punishing you and your innocent unborn baby.
His behaviour is disgusting, I dont know how you are able to stay so calm and patient with it.
Can you honestly magine still having him around when baby is born? Treating your/his child that way and the child growing up unloved and damaged?
Get this fecker out of your life now.

It’s ok to have boundaries.
To say x y z isn’t acceptable to me. You need to not be here.
The turning the music up etc it just do horrible.
He needs to sort him self out and you can stop him treating you like this.
It will be a relief when you don’t have this hanging over you.
This depression isn’t about you, or the baby it’s him. His behavior is atrocious and you can get away from it.
Dont rely on him for anything anymore. He has shown you who he is. Believe it.
It’s clear you are going to be a loving, kind and emotionally tuned in mum. That’s what’s important here.

You have to put yourself first and make a choice for you and ignore his whining. You don’t deserve to live with a man like this, is he going to show up for you and your baby when the baby comes? Probably not. You’ve got enough to be focusing on without also managing his feelings. He is showing you how he feels and you deserve better.

He's awful. He's deliberately punishing you for being pregnant and to make it worse he hasn't even got the decency to end it himself. The pathetic coward.

You must stop giving him all the power. Take your power back.
Now it’s up to you to make decisions and stand your ground. He is gaslighting you
Take control. Tell him to leave. Don’t listen when he begs you. Actions speak louder than words. Be strong. He’s a waste of space xx

I don't agree with the other posters that he's necessarily trying to get you to break up with him so that he can play the victim. Maybe that's true, or maybe he is genuinely depressed and confused and wants to feel differently.

That being said, I think the only positive outcome will be if you tell him you're breaking up because of his behaviour (tell him examples of this behaviour). Either he will have a shock and change his ways and beg for you back, or he won't because he actually was wanting you to dump him.

But either way, you need to focus on providing a stable environment for you and your coming baby, and a depressed man who is unable to show any affection or even the minimum care you'd expect from a friend, or even acquaintance, isn't a good environment for you or your coming baby to thrive in. I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. Focus on choosing who is going to replace him as your go-to person throughout this pregnancy (ie a friend or family member to come with you to the appointments, be your birth partner, help you in the early days after baby is born through the sleepless nights, etc), because it sounds like your partner will be a hindrance after the baby is born and will actually make the newborn period harder than if he wasn't around at all!

He’s shown you exactly who he is. Plan on being a single mum (I’m 14 years in as one, you can do it!)
This idiot is going to continue being a waste of space. Hopefully you’ve got family who can give emotional support, but do not rely on this idiot for anything. You’ll get a lot of support on here too.

I'm not sure how it works legally, but if you don't put his name on the birth certificate, am I right in thinking he then can't claim shared custody? But also, would it mean that you can't claim child support from him? Maybe the other posters can advise. OP, what is your financial situation and would you need child support from him?

Agree with previous posts. There is nothing deep or interesting about his behaviour. He’s just a barely formed, immature man who is incredibly comfortable being awful to you. You deserve better.

I suspect he will have a glimmer of interest when the baby arrives. Don’t get pulled in and be tempted to give the baby his name. It will be interest in a new toy, not a sudden realisation of love.

Behaviour is a language. What is his behaviour saying, OP?

Whatever you do…don’t let him move in, and don’t put him on the birth certificate.

YOU must take control of this situation.
Stop looking to him for support or care.
Bin him & look for support from elsewhere.
As others have said, your name on birth certificate. Claim CMS.
He’s immature and not worth the hassle. He doesn’t want to be a father.

Ask him to move out until he can ‘sort his head out’ selfish, childlike prick