What's left in life?

[Sliverofdarkness]

Bit of a weird one, but I just don't know what's left to look forward to in life... Late 40s, have travelled, got married, bought a house, had kids and feel like they don't need me much anymore. Got a job but feel like I'm too old to progress, as I took a long career break with the kids. My managers are 10 years younger than me so I feel pretty disillusioned and not on great pay.
I'm finding it hard to be interested in clothes or my appearance or going out socially. I cant go out on any work outings as I work part time and the work events are on on my day off when I'm with the kids.
I feel sorry for my husband as I can't get out of this rut of being boring.
What can I do? Life feels constantly busy, but also totally boring.

https://amzn.eu/d/08no3ECO

I really recommend this book - it’s great for helping you work out what you want the second half of your life to be like.

Where do your interests lie? What do you actually like doing?

My motivations are somewhat difference with a terminal illness. My career obviously isn't going anywhere so I'm plodding at the same level and my social circles are pretty none existent in my late 30's. I do find joy in the smaller things still though. I still have mobility so I go for walks deep in the woods and identify bird sounds. Sometimes I do bits of my hobbies, I also do some voluntary work.

There is definitely joy out there, you've sometimes just got to get of your comfort zone and find it.

You sound like me, 10 years ago. I was in the full depth of Peri menopause. I trudged along for another 2 years untill I felt so low, I finally went to the DR. Hrt saved my life ...I was so low I couldn't see a way out. You wouldn't recognise the difference now. I'm so active, mentally strong and so excited for the future. Please seek help, this spiraling will only get worse and fortunately there is so much help & understanding out there, but you have to find it ❤️

Well on one hand the discomfort you feel right now could propel you in a new direction - so it’s not a wasted emotion.

Think about what sort of person leads the exciting life you would like? What qualities do they have? What actions can you take to be that type of person? Do one thing on that list and see what happens.

Was just coming on to say the same - sounds like low mood due to peri menopause. See your GP, there’s lots they can do to put the spring back in your step.

I’m in a similar position to you (but no DH) .. everything else is v similar.

What strikes me is that you have done some great things in your life but you are backwards looking rather than forwards looking. We do not stagnate. It’s a journey forwards and I think it’s so important to appreciate what we have achieved but also to look for what we are able to do now we no longer have the constraints we have had for years.

I’m not being Pollyanna about this. I have had a pretty traumatic journey through the teen years.

However I also think that you can’t force yourself into this mindset if you are in a rut / feeling depressed and a bit bleak about the future.

My two (non expert) pieces of advice right now would be to consider some counselling (I know) to take through your current state of mind / this transition period. The second would be to try the odd new thing. Not try and change your life or mindset over night. But just try and start to try and gradually build something for your life that isn’t connected to ‘just’ being a parent.

I am doing similar at the moment and it’s hard but I am starting to feel much more positive now. Good luck!

I'm already on Hrt for the last 10 months. It's helped with the huge anxiety I was suffering with and helped my mental clarity for my job. But I still feel flat. And I feel different to most people, like I have nothing interesting to say. And don't have much time to do interesting things with the kids and their activities in the evenings. Do antidepressants help?

I take 10mg of citalopram. It’s a tiny dose but it has really helped me. I’ve been on it 10 years and each time I’ve stopped I’ve felt the low mood come back, so I just stay on it. I think with menopause something in my brain chemistry changed and now I just need a little help. I also take hrt which helps with all the other symptoms.

To add, you have lots of reasons to feel positive, you’ve travelled, married, bought a house, had a family. Many would envy you all these things. But you are seeing a glass half empty. Your DC are becoming independent which is great, but you frame it as you becoming redundant. You are lucky enough to work part time but you see it as robbing you of social opportunities. You need to see the positive in your situation. You also need to find something for yourself that you enjoy. I learn Italian on zoom. I’m learning to identify birds. I’m planning on growing some veg. All cheap, home based, simple pleasures. Like you I’m not fussed on clothes or appearance and I’ve already travelled but I find lots of joy in nature.

New job? Scary but invigorating?

Yes I would say the will help. I felt very low after having my son and antidepressants made all the difference. Alot of what your describing matches depression

Find something small to look forward to each day. This will probably sound silly, but I love Arrow word puzzles. I now set aside some time most afternoons (when dinner is cooking), to sit in the garden in the sun, have a nice drink (maybe a cold wine), and do some puzzles. I also have a bird table and bird feeder out there, and I like to watch the birds bathing themselves. Sounds boring maybe, but I find it so peaceful.

Get a dog? If that doesn't sound too trivial, I don't mean it too. They will always need you, they can be great therapy, you can tell them anything and they'll give you loads of unconditional cuddles! They also force you to go outside everyday whatever the weather which will give you daily exercise and sometimes even daily sunshine, exercise and vitamin D are great for you.

Surely you can still join the work outings, how old are the kids, where is your husband?

Maybe also speak to your GP if you are feeling that low, empty and hopeless. I am early 40's, got a husband, house, kids, the kids also need me less and less but I'm so excited to see where their future takes them, as much as I dread them flying the nest, I'm also thinking about what the future might hold for an empty nest, what sort of trips, holidays, activities I could indulge myself in when it'll just be me and my husband most of the time. I'm excited about and looking forward to what other homes I might have one day, will we always live here, will we move somewhere else? My life is far far from over, life begins at 40! (although I think they say 50 now). I'm not trying to show off that I'm happy and you're not, but I worry that you feel so low and hopeless I don't think that is normal and life should be a lot more joyful and hopeful. I hope you find it.

Change your work days, read more books, experiment with different hobbies until you find something that 'sticks'. And travel some more. You can't have been everywhere!

Are you on max dose of oestrogen? I felt the same, went back to GP who said "more oestrogen and then see where we are."

I am waiting ...

I'm probably one of the oldest on here at 74! I don't worry about it. I think of the time I've got left - think of Joan Collins in her 90s, David Attenborough at 100, Sophia Loren at 91. People live longer these days thanks to better food, medication, lifestyles. Look after your health. No drink or drugs, keep an eye on the weight, and ENJOY!

Sounds silly, but can you remember the things you enjoyed doing when you were 12? Painting, horse-riding, cycling, dancing, maybe? Choose something you loved as a kid and take it up again now. You don't have to be good at it or spend hours every day doing it. But if you loved painting, for example, pick up a sketchbook and see if you still get a kick out of it. If you liked music and dancing, make a ten minute playlist of absolute bangers and have a daily kitchen disco.

Maybe antidepressants will help. Or maybe you can recover your sense of joy by being more creative and seeking out more opportunities for fun.

I would look a new hobbies, sports, joining a community group or a club.

Basically try, new fun things.

Like others i think as you age you find the joy in smaller things than before. My things are

I find gardening at this time of year (very simple, i’m still learning) really good for my mental health and it gets me off my phone. Apparently it’s good for the brain/nervous system being so close and in nature.

Exercise: i do some basic strength but yoga, spin (for that dopamine hit and a bit of hiit) we walk/hike outside a lot. It really helps.

Even though you’ve travelled can you go to other places, i love planning and researching, or a different type of travel, revisit places you went and see how they’ve changed?

I love music and film: cinema and plenty of gigs where i can dance/jump around or sing along. It’s good for the soul if you like music of course. Or a good film at home with snacks and family.

Anything new you can take up as a hobby so you have an interest where you could meet people, chat, just be you. Arts, sports, etc? Could take a friend?

I need things to look forward to that get me through workand that helps me: so i book holidays or short breaks, catch ups with friends/family, meals out, concerts/small gigs or theatre shows. Days out on the train to somewhere new to walk. Even just planning an evening at home.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to read this and admire your attitude. I concur re finding joy in the small things and especially in nature. There is still a lot of wonder in the world.

@Sliverofdarkness I'm the sort of person who needs to have a project otherwise I feel I'm just drifting. Can you start researching and planning a trip maybe? Or a redesign of a room in your house if you're into interiors?

At 40 there is a lot of learning and growing as a person to do still. Have a look at the image. It looks like you've got the bottom two or three, which is great, many people don't have that. How about now the top two, is there stuff to think about there?

One day there will be nothing left, so make the most of it while you can.

I guess that's why people start travelling more and buying a place by the sea or whatever. We all need something else to focus on/look forward to. I have nothing helpful to say except you are not alone in feeling like this.

What are you wanting to do and feel?

The things that brought me joy at your stage are somewhat cliched, but there you have it, gardening , dogs, female friends, time to read and pursue other hobbies, and being able to arrange my home to my satisfaction, instead of struggling to service every other fuckers needs. Make your bedroom beautiful, grow something, get out in nature every day with your dog and your dog buddies, and reclaim time for something you used to love. Of course your list may be completely different.