What's left in life?

[Sliverofdarkness]

Bit of a weird one, but I just don't know what's left to look forward to in life... Late 40s, have travelled, got married, bought a house, had kids and feel like they don't need me much anymore. Got a job but feel like I'm too old to progress, as I took a long career break with the kids. My managers are 10 years younger than me so I feel pretty disillusioned and not on great pay.
I'm finding it hard to be interested in clothes or my appearance or going out socially. I cant go out on any work outings as I work part time and the work events are on on my day off when I'm with the kids.
I feel sorry for my husband as I can't get out of this rut of being boring.
What can I do? Life feels constantly busy, but also totally boring.

Thanks for the different perspective @Wishitwasstraightforward

You've had some really kind advice here but you've only responded really about work. I think you may well be depressed and it's keeping you focused on these immediate things around you, instead of opening you up to all the possibilities.

I am the same age and life is tricky when your kids start growing up and you realise your career may never be what you imagine. But there are so many other joys to have, I promise.

But you may need to do something to get there - a chat with the GP could be a good start.

Hello, I felt like this. I had good interesting work, healthy kids and lovely DH, friends, exercise, done therapy, but felt I was just passing time without meaning or motivation, filling in the time til death. I did not feel depressed (I know what that feels like - btdt).
Atm I no longer feel like that. Switching my HRT helped, as did going part time, as did a book by James Hollis similar to the one recommended at the top of the thread (a slightly different title - mine happened to be Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life).
I can’t guarantee myself that it won’t come back. But the reprieve has been unexpected and brilliantly helpful.

I’m early 50s, menopausal and slightly losing my mind at points. But. I am excited about all the things I want to do (although not sure how I’ll do them!). Places I want to go and see, things I want to do and learn. Things happening in my DD’s life that I can be there for. I’m getting a lot of joy from little things. I know that sounds a little cheesey but when I see my DD overcoming an obstacle, I am so chuffed. When I see my lovely DH, I feel lucky to have met someone who gets me so well. Lots of crap going on too so it’s not all sunshine and roses but I think reflect on what things you wanted to do when you were younger and make some plans. Try to see the beauty in the small things. Look after your health. Change up things like take a different route somewhere, go to a different place for a coffee, find one new place to visit a month and a new thing to learn. I’ve also been trying to improve the decor inside our house with limited funds. It all felt like a massive hassle at the start but now I’m getting into it and actually enjoying it! Anyway, just some thoughts. All the best x

In my early 40s I was feeling generally stuck. Had the house, children gaining independence, husband, had a job that I probably could have stayed in till I retired but I wanted more. Did a leap of faith into a third sector organisation on a short term contract at junior manager level and ended up staying for over 25 years working my way up to a national role with responsibility for all internal operations. I loved my job, lots of problem solving and challenges, did additional qualifications through distance learning and doing things I would never have envisaged or thought I was capable of 20 years before. Recognised at pushing 70 it was time to go on to my next phase so retired, have travelled and do voluntary work for a small charity, several hobbies, as well as having more time with grandchildren. I never came to a conclusion of what I wanted to be when I grew up with a final goal, I just need to be challenged and stretched.

Do you get any time to yourself where you get to switch off mum/work mode?

Honestly, there may be tiny changes you can start with if not. Assuming your husband doesn't work crazy hours, you should be able to have one evening a week to yourself. For gym, walk, coffee, class, book club, anything.

I also love an hour alone at a nice coffee shop each weekend. It doesn't take much time but it makes a huge difference

You might like your husband to take the kids out one weekend morning a month so you can have time alone at home (don't clean or do housework!!)

These small habits can help you feel more than mum/work and give you space to refind yourself and think about the bigger picture of where you want to go.

I doubled my oestrogen patch when I started feeling like this. Just added a second patch to go from 50mg to 100mg. It worked well. I then asked my GP to double my prescription. She tutted a bit 😂 And then agreed. The sensible thing is to seek the medical advice before increasing medication obvs, but I decided to do it anyway.

Hope some of these suggestions helped OP and that you are feeling less alone. I feel similar sometimes; the issue you have atm is that you are so exhausted you literally cannot think about adding any more things to your to-do list so finding a new hobby or whatever just seems too big of a deal.
However, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do what some others said and tell your family you are having an hour to yourself, down the bottom of the garden or in your bedroom and just lie there or read or draw something (anything!) and you are not to be disturbed for an hour. Undoubtedly in the first 10 minutes they will ALL disturb you but just shout 55minutes or whatever time is left until your time is up. They will stop. if you feel guilty remember its good for the kids patience levels that they do not get everything they want straightaway and for your DH to problem solve himself.
I say to my kids (older than yours but I’ve been doing it since they were young) I am not available for ANYTHING after 9pm unless it’s an emergency. I am watching telly. If they call me i say is it an emergency ? No. Ok then it can wait.
This is good for your calming down, overwhelm, obvious burnout and boundaries for your children. A 6y can do this as they have to wait their turn in other places eg school.
good luck …and I’m going to have a look at the book by Hollis others have suggested xx

Im 81 and ask myself this. Looking back Ive done all the things I said I wanted to do when I was younger - travelled widely to some interesting countries, published a book, bought my own house and gained a PhD. Ive had two successful careers and now run my own business. To most people that would probably indicate enough to be going on with. Im one of those people who always has to be "doing something". I would never be content just watching TV, pottering in the garden or doing housework. I have a cleaner and a gardener for that.

Ok so a couple of thoughts from me:

it actually sounds like the kids DO still need you a lot, and you are limited in what you can do /your free time due to them. So you can either try reframing this mentally (so tell yourself ‘this is not my time yet to have free time’), or try to carve out some time for you - which tbh sounds like it is much needed !! If kids are 6 and 12 do you have some time alone when they’re in school and you don’t work? If not could you make that happen?

feeling exhausted/always on with a massive to do list. I’m guilty of this too. Do check out the physical possibly problems (ferritin, thyroid , HRT dosage). But also - are you trying to Do It All? Can your husband do more, can you get a babysitter, housekeeper , something ! To cut yourself some slack?

you need to create some space for yourself if you’re going to find your joy and find your hobbies. They don’t fit in the 45 mins after kids sleep and before your own bedtime.

Best of luck.

I know its cliche but new hobbies and meeting new people have really helped lift me following a long period of depression/low mood and not being sure what was left to look forward to. I started small and reconnected with an old school friend, joined a book club and started cooking more. These small things had a gradual benefit where I slowly felt life was worth living again and now looking forward to loads and excited for the future. Gardening and nature helped too along with the right medication and counsellor. Good luck!

Find out what you’re interested in. It sounds like you’ve treated your life like a computer game… always needing to complete quests and level up…. school, job, marriage, house, kids, travelling, it sounds like they were all just quests to complete so you can move onto the next one. Stop thinking “what’s the next quest” and work out what you actually enjoy doing.

Congratulations trui very inspiring to read this!

I agree with those who have suggested going back to things you enjoyed as a child or branching out to find new hobbies. Life would feel empty and drab for me without my hobbies and 'extracurricular' pursuits. I never had kids, though I am married and happy with DH and our dogs. Work is... fine. I like feeing a sense of accomplishment when I complete tasks, but it's really just a way to pay the bills. My hobbies are what make me excited to wake up in the morning and always feeling like I could use another few hours every day to do everything I'd like to do. They don't have to cost a lot and you can choose them to fit your natural skills and inclinations. They can be solitary or involve other people, as much as you like. They can be lifelong; adjust them as your abilities and circumstances change.

(But if your youngest is only 6, I'd imagine they still need you quite a lot!)

Have you had your hormones checked op?

Do you like your bigger house or has it become too overwhelming? Does it mean you are stuck in more domestic drudgery?

It sounds like you need a bit of selfishness in your life. A holiday alone. Or a project just for you?

Have you had blood tests? Do you do exercise.

I am taking Magnesium Chelated from Solgar, Omega 3, and Menopace from Vitabiotics. I feel this help plus excercise. Menopace is quite good. I don’t want to go onto HRT unless nothing else works

Exercise is an anti depressant. I don’t drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol.

Gp upped my hrt when I developed what I call Meh Syndrome. Worked a treat.

I have 4 kids aged from 6 to 12. Between their activities, 2 or 3 each, and their social lives, I have very little time beyond work, kids and keeping on top of basic house work. I can't actually focus on anything really as I'm being pulled in so many different directions.

At least we're not alone!
Just wondering what is the safe option for going out?!

I'm sure I have meh syndrome too. Gp probably doesnt care though.

I remember saying yo a wise old aunt that I felt I had done all the big life events, kids grown up etc. She said that there’s still plenty of fun to be had, you just have to decide to go after your joy.
So I bought a horse. And another.😄

I agree. I'm on escitalopram after the deaths of my parents and my husband walking out, and for me, it has made a huge difference.

My friend's cat is on an anti-depressant, fluoxetine, and she says he's like a different cat! He had pussycat depression, which is just so sweet and so sad! Makes sense, though, since humans and cats are both mammals.

The game changer for me was taking vitamin D every day. I was already on HRT but still
had that ‘flat’ feeling. GP was ready to throw antidepressants at me but I said no thanks I’ll try other things first. Got a phone call from DSis whose GP had taken bloods and prescribed vit D as a result to say ‘I’ve been on vit d for two weeks now and feel like a new woman.’ I started taking it and think it’s made a big difference. I’m recommending it to everyone now!

Struggling to service every other fuckers needs

LOVE it !

6 and 12 and yo u think they don't need you any more?

OP I really would make an appt and talk to your gp about mental health.