Work colleagues are not your friends

[TheSassyOpalMember]

So I've obviously been naive again. Work in a nice team and got a big birthday coming up. Floated some dates with team members and booked a place for a party. Obviously booked it for friends and family too but with rough numbers including team members. As the date has got nearer most of the team aren't coming. Reasons such as they've double booked, too busy etc so not my numbers ate looking low. Work colleagues are not your friends

I'm sorry to hear this.
It's a hard and sometimes humiliating lesson to learn.
I hope you real friends and family make it a great night for you. X

Of course they are not.

There have been some big birthdays over the years and there's been a great turnout from work. Obviously not when it's my turn. Time to stay in my lane

Some of mine are but you're generally right.

Some of my friends and family would cancel on me late too.

I hope you have a lovely night.

Maybe they’ve been burned at previous events and have decided to keep work friends as that. It may not be you, it’s just you’ve realised it because the event is yours.

It’s tricky with work colleagues- they are your friend whilst you work there/are in the same team but they don’t make the same effort as non work friends.

Do you generally socialise with them outside of work?

Enjoy your party.

Do you usually socialise outside of work? I’m very friendly with work colleagues in work and know lots about their lives but I wouldn’t socialise with them and I wouldn’t invite them to my birthday party. Focus on your family and friends.

Yes we see a fair bit of each other. Not best mates but have a laugh.

Did you actually invite them and get responses?

Yes. Some have known the date for months and double booked.

Nope, they are not your friends. As rule of thumb, I don't do outside work socialising any more.

Got stung, many years ago. Not like you, it was actually work related but still...

But some will be or become friends and some won’t, as with any randomly assembled group of people. Surely you like some of your colleagues more than others, OP? Some of them you see outside of work and others not?

I’ve made some of my closest friends in the world in various jobs. But they would still be the minority rather than the majority of my workmates. You’re not going to like everyone.

You seem to be dismissing the fact that some of your team are coming to your party!

Sorry, OP. Work "friends" suck. They use you for your company at work but don't really care about you, otherwise, in some cases.

I remember quitting a job and having a leaving do and 2 people showed up from my team of over 20 and like 2 others who were staff and I was humiliated.

I was, of course, very grateful for those who did show. But, I think the others no-showed because I was senior and they were worried about what it would look like to support me for leaving.

So, you just never know about these things.

Hope you have a lovely birthday with your real friends and family.

That's a shame. Parties used to be commonplace and good fun, a way to meet new people and make new friends but people just don't seem to honour their commitments any more.

Thats awful op but yes while my school colleagues are nice they are just people I work with. But if they said they were going then no, you right to be hurt.

At least you know, how things are. As long as you are friendly, do your job, and are not backstabbing people on the job, that is all that you can do.

I find people flaky now quick to pull out of plans.. its not nice

Many years back I moved cities for work. Sociable colleagues were a bit of a lifeline when I didn’t know many people.

Then I invited a load of them on my birthday night out. One turned up. It hurt, but on the plus side, she became a long-term friend, as did some others in the same company.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is a true friend regardless of work and who is just happy to socialise in the pub after hometime, but doesn’t see it as any more than that. Don’t write off all your colleagues on this basis. The ones coming may turn out to be genuine friends.

Some can be but some aren't and some are friends but don't like to socialise outside work.
I still see some people from a job i left 10 years ago we regularly meet for a chat and for lunch or coffee but I don't think I'd want to go to their birthday parties.
I have different friends for different things and meet them separately.

That's a shame. I think if you really do only see eachother at work or work mandated events, with the occasional after work drink in a group then it's true they're not really 'friend' friends. As in they might not feel close enough to come to a birthday party.

If you did actually develop close friendships with some of them outside of work, and had gone to stuff socially with them before then that's a bit different.

I'm sure you'll still have a great time. Just welcome plus ones for the people who are coming if you want higher numbers. Or just keep it more intimate. It'll still be fun.

I’m still friends with work colleagues from (gulp) 40 years ago. When I started work almost all the others were also at their first job and many new to London so open to making friends. We were a tight bunch, and socialised a lot outside of work. Of course there were people you realised were more situational- if they moved on you wouldn’t stay in touch further very long. But while together a party party all would come. I moved on after a few years but I’ve kept firm friends from then.
Later jobs no I haven’t really socialised with them outside work, though I did do a ski weekend with one group of women, but we didn’t stay in touch.
I wouldn’t want to be starting out now - the office environment seems to have changed beyond recognition and the hybrid or remote working must make it very difficult to make any real connections at all.

I sympathise OP. After many years of having lunch together, sharing relationship woes, pregnancies and financial issues, when I handed in my notice and organised a going away do none of them were available. Some genuinely couldn't make it but there was no attempt to meet another night. To be fair most had young kids at the time. I had a day off a few months later and arranged to meet the old gang at our old lunch spot. Despite saying she wanted to see me, K never showed up. She told someone that she couldn't go because she had brought her own lunch that day. It was a hotel bar not anywhere fancy, she could have just had a coffee or popped in a few mins later. I was quite upset and never heard from her or saw her since. Years of daily chats meant nothing to her

Knowing the date isn't the same as committing to come. Sounds as if they kept their options open. Upsetting but hopefully you will have a great evening with those who can make it.

It’s like anything else, meet 100 people how many can really be true friends? I think the hit rate translates to about 2 out of 100. I’m going to look after my ex work colleague when she has a major op soon, we had our first proper jobs together 38 years ago! I left that job in 1994 and our friendship survived her moving to America for a decade.

It’s tricky bc if the event is in the evening or on a weekend, that is family time. Unless they’re truly friends and you see them socially outside of work all the time, I’d say it’s fair they will think if you as a colleague instead.