Work colleagues are not your friends

[TheSassyOpalMember]

So I've obviously been naive again. Work in a nice team and got a big birthday coming up. Floated some dates with team members and booked a place for a party. Obviously booked it for friends and family too but with rough numbers including team members. As the date has got nearer most of the team aren't coming. Reasons such as they've double booked, too busy etc so not my numbers ate looking low. Work colleagues are not your friends

Oh that puts a different light on it. It's got to sting. I hope you have a great party with your friends and family.

I’m good friends with past work colleagues so I haven’t found this to be true.

Often people who aren’t close friends with a party host cancel last minute, but if you’re established friends then that doesn’t happen (bar emergencies). Generally, people are flaky, work or not.

You seem really sociable @TheSassyOpalMember and good for you to put yourself out there. Don't give up. It could be venue, money, June is always busy for people with kids (end of year, exams), weddings coming up, planning holidays, anything, really. And yes, work colleagues are lower priority. See who you can get together, do something fun and enjoy your day regardless.

You can't expect to make a connection with everyone you meet.

I don't care if you are working colleagues or not , if you RSVP that you are going to any event , you should go . I usually say no straight away if I know I won't be able to or don't want to . It's worse if you are work friends as you have to see them every day unless you are leaving . People seem to think it's OK to text at the last minute to say they are not coming if they even bother. Unless you are genuinely ill or something important comes up , it's just damn rude to do this .

I was going to point out that just because your colleagues aren't your friends doesn't mean that can be extrapolated to every single other person and workplace in the world but you've just done it yourself!

so, by your own admission, work colleagues CAN be friends, just not your friends? if you count friends as 'coming to a party.' It's a bit of a narrow definition. In my experience everyone is flakey nowadays - there have been loads of threads on here where people agree to come to an event and then drop out. I don't think how you know them is that relevant personally!

I spoke to DS about this. He's 25 and very much likes his office gang. Most have each other on Instagram, they hang out after work, go for drinks.

Some actually go on concerts and nights out with each other.

@TheSassyOpalMember don't be hard on yourself.

I'm sorry OP, that's really rude of them to double book or otherwise flake out.
Work mates can be friends though, at my previous job two lads basically became best friends there and one moved nearly next door to the other. I don't work there any more but I still visit quite often (its next door to my current workplace) to chat to everyone. I've been invited to people's homes and some of us regularly played Frisbee golf together last summer and I've been invited to join them again this year. In my current workplace I've been invited to parties which many of them attend (I will say yes next time, felt awkward before as I'm older than most of them but I've decided not to care about that any more). But there are different kinds of friendships and some people compartmentalise them more than others, so perhaps that's the case in your situation.

I don't think that's true, its spectral - some people at work are just work acquaintances, some are more friendly, some become good friends outside of work, and its those you keep in touch with after you have left.

I met my wife at work, she's a friend I think, most of the time!!!😀

All my closest friends I have met through work over the decades. I guess one special friend from each workplace. I have definitely lost touch with some people I was friendly with whilst actually at work.

Sometimes they are. Sometimes they are not. I met my DH and my oldest friend through work.

I agree with you @TheSassyOpalMember - I've long given up organising anything socially at work because hardly anyone turns up. There are a few popular people who take a crowd with them wherever they go, but a boring person like me is not on anyone's list of people who matter.

Yes I’ve learned this the hard way too when I left my previous job. I was sent ‘save the date’ for 2 weddings just before leaving and then got invited to neither. People who I thought I was close to and gone on with blanked invites for a coffee and catch up. I still feel very hurt by it all. But yes work colleagues are not friends and cast you from their minds when you leave. Harsh but very true.

I've made some lifelong friends through work. I've been to weddings, birthday parties, been on holidays etc with people I've met at work. I'm sorry it's not been the case for you, but some of my oldest friends started off as work colleagues. Edited to add, I also met my DH at work.
Having said all that, I've been in my current team for 18 months or so, and although I get on with them all, I don't and wouldn't socialise with them outside of work.

Well, no, of course not. But sometimes you do - and why should a workplace be an any less likely avenue for this than, say, going to school.

I must have worked with a good few thousand people in the last 20 odd years. Two are extremely good friends who I am very close to, another two are more distant friends who I see a couple of times per year.

That's it! Where I work now I have no "friends" at all and only do polite small talk when I have to. I just can't be arsed. I never go on work dos either. At the end of the day I'm there for the money.

Because when you're at school, you don't have a partner and family you've chosen yourself, you just have your parents and possibly siblings; you don't usually have a round of life admin and household chores, your free time is your free time - you have time and an emotional gap to be filled with friends.

A person of working age is more likely to have a full life both emotionally and practically and less incentive to cultivate friendships, particularly as they get older.

As an autistic woman it’s so hard to straddle the line between too quiet and being fake friends. I agree that colleagues are not friends but I’ve also gotten told multiple times I need to socialize more at work.

I get so annoyed at people who waste time making small talk while avoiding tasks that need to be done

That's patently untrue.

That's really shit for you OP and you must be really hurt.

@DisrobeDatrobe so you have no friends now because you’ve got a partner and children?

True for you. Your world is not THE World.

this.

My DS has work friends