Work colleagues are not your friends

[TheSassyOpalMember]

So I've obviously been naive again. Work in a nice team and got a big birthday coming up. Floated some dates with team members and booked a place for a party. Obviously booked it for friends and family too but with rough numbers including team members. As the date has got nearer most of the team aren't coming. Reasons such as they've double booked, too busy etc so not my numbers ate looking low. Work colleagues are not your friends

I like to have at least one colleague who is a friend - someone to get a coffee or drink with and chat. But there is a peak window for work friends - when you are younger and/or single and I'm neither! I'm friendly with all my colleagues - but apart from one - I doubt I would see any of them once I leave.

It really depends... I get on with just about everyone in my office of approx 20 people, but there's only 2 that I would consider proper friends. We socialise together outside work etc. We generally only go to office do's if the other two are going though.

Yes a work colleague had a hen do in a different town involved staying over about 20 colleagues went . I had a hen do the following year and 3 went I felt a bit humiliated

I have a partner but no children, so generally I do have more free time than my colleagues who do have children, but none of them have any interest in socialising with me outside work although we have friendly interactions in the workplace.

Nothing shows you that work colleagues are not your friends like a restructuring. People start throwing each other under the bus to save themselves.

I thought my work colleagues were friends. I worked at the same school for 10 years and socialised lots. Whenever anyone gets married or has a baby, there is a collection and card signed by all. This has happened for every wedding and every baby apart from both of mine. I felt so embarassed that I was overlooked but also really confused as to why. I had to take early maternity due to complications so maybe out of sight, out of mind. Only three colleagues out of sixty messaged to ask if I was ok when I had to go on early mat leave. I'm not someone that wants presents, I just want to be treated the same was as everybody else. I hope you have a great birthday OP with your other friends. Their loss!

That's awful. I couldn't imagine leaving someone out like that 😢 Says more about them.

Absolutely.

The re-interview questions I received were v v v close to "so tell me why we should keep you and not your friend x"....

Naturally, they phrased it differently, but she would have had the same line of questioning and she did throw me under the bus.

She lost her job 6mths later though, so hey ho. :)

Yup

I've made a few good friends from past jobs. One girl I'm in close touch with from a job 8 years ago. Another woman I reconnected with recently, as she popped up as a consultant in my current job. We'd bonded previously over our horrible boss at a previous job 10 years ago.

There are more, and they are all great ladies, but I'm not sure any of them would commit to a milestone party. I've also been shat upon and let down by other women I considered good friends at work. Such as making up lies about me. Such as cutting me off cold, saying "I don't think us being friends is a good idea" for no reason.

I just take life as it comes now, and I try not to worry. You have your actual friends and family, so focus on those and forget these work people. I hate people who say "count me in!" but then make excuses later. They suck.

I find it interesting who stays in touch once you don’t work together anymore. It’s not always who you think, or who you work closest with. I’ve found this a few times.

I have had pretty much all my old colleagues from previous jobs on socials at some point - but the main one who has actually stayed in touch is a lady who worked in a different department to me at my first job. She worked in another company in the same building and used to come in to chat. She was a right character, a bit strange but ultimately just another person at work and everyone added everyone on socials back then.

18 years (!) later we sometimes find ourselves at the same small theatre shows around town, and we swap tips for what’s good, and for going up to Edinburgh Fringe every year. We trust eachothers recommendations which is a good thing to have if you’re into that scene. I would never have guessed that back then it would be her who stood the course!

This is what I was thinking, too. If they all came, you'd end up with two parties happening at opposite ends of the room.

I do agree that everyone's gone flaky and/or antisocial since the pandemic. It's very sad, imo. But some of your workmates are coming! Have a nice birthday, OP.

Im still in touch with a girl I met in 1998. She great. I def agree with other posts people are very flaky now. It was an eye opener that people were not loyal at all. Im def more cautious now with making new friends

Well that’s a generalisation. Yours may not be. Some of my colleagues in my current place are the most amazing friends I have ever had - I worked at the place for a few years, left (and kept in touch with them) and went back and I would trust them more than anyone else I know.

I do keep a distance from most of the others and would probably feel awkward if asked to something like that if we weren’t close.

If you went by MN guidance:

• Your colleagues aren't your real friends

• You have nothing in common with schoolgate mums other than shagging in the same year (I mean you also live in the same area, are likely of a similar-ish age and socio-economic status and have your kids in common but who cares about that!)

• Still being friends with people you went to school with is a bit sad and indicative of someone who hasn't matured and developed.

• You should avoid getting too involved with neighbours - ideally not even answering the door to them. Avoid neighbourhood whatsapp groups like the plague.

• Making friends online or going to 'Meetup' events or similar is creepy and desperate

• Your partners friends are not your friends, and you shouldn't expect to ever speak to them again if you split up

I'm not really sure who that leaves to be friends with!

Actually I do agree with quite a few of those… but then apparently lots of people talk to strangers on buses and become best mates, so what do I know 😬

Don’t forget that you also have to rule out all opposite-sex friendships because of ‘complications’ and groups of female friends because of ‘drama’.

But yes work colleagues are not friends and cast you from their minds when you leave. Harsh but very true.

My two best friends are former colleagues. We've been friends for 26 years and live in different parts of the country but we message each other all the time and we all meet up regularly. So I'm afraid you're talking nonsense. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but it's nowhere near a universal truth. Everyone's different.

Yes, and also on Mumsnet you're not allowed to be friends with anyone who isn't the same age as you because you're at 'different life stages' apparently.

I think this more and more. There’s only a small team where I work, of only 8 people. I’ve been there 4 years, one of the longest. I’m never invited out for drinks, I don’t get happy birthday messages, and yesterday I found out from someone who doesn’t work there (but knows most of the staff), that the one who’s leaving on Friday is having leaving drinks tonight. Was I invited, no. I find it really disheartening because as such a small team, we all get on really well at work.

oh yes of course, the mantra that all groups of women are bitchy - and three is a crowd so even a small group isn't safe either!

also added to the list there's a current thread where a poster has judged the OP for being too close with the other people on her uni course and considering them friends, so that's also out!

how about just treating everyone as individuals and not automatically excluding and making judgements about them because of how you met?

And if you're childfree you can't have friends who are parents and vice versa.

Yes, is anyone left at all? Or are we down to (1) your pet and (2) painting a face on a volleyball and calling it Winston?

Will 50 people plus 10 kids look sad in a room that usually holds 100?