Is it normal to feel sad after ending a good relationship?

[roses6]

So I was dating this guy for around 6 months. For various reasons and a lot of thinking, I realised that it wasn’t going to work long-term and we broke up over the weekend.

It was the first time I’ve had to do that. I’ve only ever had a 3/4 month relationship before and have dated a few guys but nothing serious.

I wasn’t expecting to but I found the whole thing so emotional. I couldn’t stop crying with him because he’s a good guy, he’s been so kind to me, we’ve had a nice time together… but just long term we aren’t compatible (and he also agreed with this). It was really nice getting to say “goodbye” as we both care for the other. We also agreed to check in with each other in about a month, as I really was a bit of a mess with him.

I know I won’t feel like this forever, and it’s only been a few days, but is it normal to feel sad? To question whether I made the right decision? To think about him and wonder if he’s ok?

Would be grateful for any advice or any online resources I can read that would help me navigate this unknown territory 😔

Oh I’m sorry. Completely normal to feel like this, even though you say you both knew you weren’t compatible, there is always the hope for…more. Just do all the usual things, see friends, early night, exercise etc and you’ll start to feel better soon.

❤️

I'm wondering if you might be quite young to be wondering this. In any case, yes. Endings can be very painful, even when they're necessary and for the best. My most painful break up was aged about 19, when I knew I had to leave my boyfriend because I could see he was no longer happy in the relationship but could see that for some reason he didn't want to come out and say it. It was incredibly painful and I felt desperately sad for quite a long time. Cried every day for about a month, then felt increasingly better over the next while. Took a few years not to look back with sadness. We stayed friends for years, but then we just dropped out of each others lives about twenty years ago. I tried to look him upa few years ago, just to see where he was and to possibly thank him for some of the good things he had done for me. He had sadly died during COVID. Long story short, yes, normal. Yes, still sad to do. It'll get easier. Chin up.

I wish I was young but no, I am in my early 30s. Just don’t have much experience of relationships. I am sorry for your loss!

Thank you.. yes, when we were saying goodbye I just wanted to kiss him and be with him.

What was it that made you think it wouldn't work long term?

We were quite different people and I just couldn’t see us building a life together. The time we did spend together though was nice. I honestly thought I’d feel fine but I feel so low 😔

I literally can’t stop crying! What’s wrong with me?!

I am aware I am talking to myself now but if you’ve been through the same thing did it get better?

People who are very different can build lives together though. Can you be more specific as to what you saw as the obstacles?
For instance if one of you is really uncontrolled with spending and the other one very fearful of spending too much probably that wouldn't work.
But if one of you is highly artistic and the other very rational that can definitely work.

And there's nothing wrong with you. You made an emotional attachment and then severed it before you were emotionally ready to, acting with head not heart, and now your heart hurts and you need to grieve. 💐

Sorry you are going through this op.

It’s totally normal to feel sad in this situation.

I think this is why we as women have to be careful who we sleep with as oxytocin is a powerful hormone,

A couple in a relationship often aren’t compatible long-term because of different values, or lifestyles, religions, family outlooks, age, mindset around children etc etc and they still get married and let the “feelz” dominate and it’s a disaster.

Be thankful that you and your ex are more sensible and pragmatic as long term relationships are hard even when you have the same outlook on things. You have both saved yourselves a lot of future grief!

However you are still in love so it’s hard. 💐

Do remember though that opposites attract for a reason too! My dh and I have been married for 32 years and think differently about most things! Keeps it interesting! 😃

Totally normal and it’s very mature of you to make this decision.

Now, don’t let these perfectly normal feelings derail you. It’s only too easy to feel lonely one day, contact him just to “check on him” and before you know it you’re back together.

Thank you all 💐

Our lifestyles were very different and I didn’t like some of his habits, despite me addressing them with him. We also didn’t have that many similar interests - which again I don’t think is a huge issue, but it was all part of the bigger picture long term.

However this didn’t make him a bad guy at all. He treated me such care and kindness, and I agree that my heart probably wasn’t ready to cut things off. But I know it will thank me later down the line!

You did the right thing, OP 🙂. Onwards and upwards.

I’ve had a few short term relationships like this for about the same length of time. It’s long enough to work out that you won’t be right for each other long term but you still have feelings. I’ve nearly always been the one to walk away, and tbf if I hadn’t I would have settled and been unhappy. But severing that connection can feel upsetting. Sometimes I’ve really not been bothered and actually felt relieved, but with some I’ve known they weren’t ready but they had so much potential to be great. You can’t date potential though. Both types tend to come back after a little while and try to reconnect. Stay strong or you’ll be going through this again.

I think this is totally normal. Even when a relationship you are not that happy in ends you can still miss someone and really miss what could have been

You will be fine and holding on hoping things will change you just end up hurting yourself more.

Be proud of yourself for taking this step too many stay wasting time waiting for those changes that never happen

It's completely normal to feel this way.

Sometimes life takes you in a different direction.

I am positive you will feel a lot better soon and excited for new opportunities.

Thank you for your continued replies. I honestly feel like I’ve been dumped. I really wasn’t expecting to feel like this at all.

Was it a coping mechanism to end it because he was nice and you thought you might get hurt further down the line or did you just not feel you had any long term future together, in only say this as in my teens and early 20s I was so used to being hurt, I would put up a barrier to protect myself.

With what you say it sounds like you both had s good time together, just remember those positive times together, your allowed to miss something and feel sad that something good is now gone, but push yourself into a hobby you enjoy it will pass in time but your absolutely allowed to feel sad.

I think I just realised he wasn’t the right guy for me and the longer it continued the harder it would be when we eventually got to the point we are at now.

Yes, I know this is all temporary and it will pass. It just hurts, and I guess I didn’t expect it to feel like this so much.

What was it about his lifestyle and habits that you didn't like.

I can see why you feel this way and you are sad because he is nice and deserves a nice girlfriend (not that you aren't nice just not the right person for him).

Finishing with someone because they've done something wrong or it's mutually fizzling out is kind of easier because there's a clear objective reason.

But you've done the right thing. You know he's not right for you so you're setting you both free without hard feelings. That's much better and kinder than letting things drag on until you find someone else which I'm ashamed to say I sometimes did in my youth and I'm not proud of it.

Yes yes yes to all of this. Honestly I’m just sat here alone tonight crying and I literally don’t know how I am ever going to move on!

I don't get why you've split up OP, every relationship requires some compromise.

I’ve recently suffered a breakup which has caused me a huge amount of pain. Lovely guy but we just grew apart and stopped making each other happy, So have been reading up on the solution to heart break… there isn’t one!

What I have learned is the neuroscience of a breakup. Your brain is quite literally experiencing a chemical withdrawal, like a drug addict going cold turkey. You don’t miss him, you miss the dopamine hit you’d get when he messaged you, the security and safety you felt in his company, the future together that you’d imagined. When those things are suddenly removed, your brain thinks you’re in danger and it panics. That’s why you can’t stop crying, obsessively thinking about him, and feeling a physical tightness in your chest.

There’s only one way to get over it. Time and no contact. Block him on everything. And I mean everything. No sneakily peeking at his social media. No looking back through old messages and photos.

Like an addict, every time you look at his SM or messages, you get a temporary dopamine hit and it sets you back. It takes 21 days to break a habit, so set yourself a target and stick to it as best you can.

Also, be careful not to re-write the reality of the relationship. It’s easy to imagine he was a great guy, the love of your life. But he wasn’t. The love of your life would have chosen you. What if the love of your life was actually yourself?

Practically, every time you start wallowing in thoughts of him, force yourself to think of something else, something just for you. Family, pets, a holiday… something that brings you joy.

And move. When you want to cry, get up and go for a walk or a run. Fresh air really does help. I’ve never run so much! I’ve also just booked a singles kayaking trip next month… terrifying but I know I’ll love it. Life goes on.

@PinotPony This is amazing advice. Thank you so much. I am finding tonight super tough but I knew I would. It’s so much harder when the other person hasn’t done anything objectively wrong. I can’t help but think I’ve made a mistake and that I’ve brought this on myself. But I am trying so hard to remember that there were reasons why I made this choice and as you say, life moves on, and so must I…