Does anyone else feel out of place in a comfortable suburb?

[Mulberrybush1992]

Happy home life, three children. Live in a suburb of a big city. Nice suburb, good schools, crazy house prices, real emphasis on community, green spaces, gorgeous walks. But sometimes feel like it’s superficial. It’s a very white area and it doesn’t take much to detect some smug privilege..sometimes even racism. There isn’t much understanding for people less privileged or from different backgrounds. It can be quite showy - Tesla’s and group 5* holidays.

I feel like a bit of an outsider, despite a solid friendship group. My upbringing was poor and my friends were from more WC backgrounds then. I’m now firmly planted in this MC life, with the household income and house to back it, and I don’t know what it is I’m missing. But I feel like there should be more edge around my children, more colour, art, diversity. Not just surrounded by people chasing the same dream of having a mortgage and driveway for two cars. Not just talking about this small suburb’s world.

Does anyone know what I’m on about? I would love to move house, but don’t know what I’m looking for. I would hate to move and have my children surrounded by low aspirations, crime or bullying. But something is so missing right now and I can’t articulate it. I feel like I live in the Truman Show.

I've relocated to a nice village. I am embracing being able to walk out and feel safe. I know what u mean though.

Me, but for different reasons. I feel completely miserable in that sort of environment, so we live in a rural village, not a chocolate box village, but one with working farms, mud on the road, and people who get their hands dirty for a living.
No-one here trying to tax farmers into extinction, just a lot of people worrying about the price of fertiliser, shortage of feedstuff and low rainfall levels.
We have the best neighbours. 😊

It depends on what you grew up with. I make sure ds has access to the life he wants, and decent school etc, so we have a good compromise where both are happy.

Well, I personally don't think it's the job of non-white people to serve as a scenic backdrop to make strangers more comfortable, though I appreciate that others may feel differently. It's not at all a strange take when you realise not everyone is hyper-focussed on a person's skin colour. Why does someone's melanin content matter so much to you? Do you require a full mix of ethnic backgrounds to feel content, from Botswanan to Ethiopian, to Aboriginal Australian? Or is just being 'black' enough?

Out of interest, are you as unsettled about areas where the majority is not white? Would you be as understanding if I started a post saying I was in a great area and I really liked it, but it was mostly black or Asian people and I didn't feel I had much in common with them and they made me uncomfortable. I felt they didn't seem to have much understanding about people different to themselves, plus I suspected they might even be a bit racist... Would you think that's an absolutely acceptable opinion for me to hold, and defend my right to have those thoughts and feelings? How about if I said I was in a majority black or Asian country when I was bemoaning the lack of white people? You'd still think that's perfectly reasonable? If not, maybe reflect upon why.

I know what you mean and it has put me off moving from London into the pleasant, green, prosperous commuter belt towns. London is so diverse, I would miss it.

Yes, I feel much the same. I live in outer London, having grown up in a very multicultural industrial area. I am fed up of the massive sense of entitlement around here.

Over the years, I have had numerous neighbours apologising to me, saying “sorry you had to look at…..” the thing they are apologising for is always some total triviality like leaving their bin out a bit longer on bin day. I find this incredibly odd and frankly annoying. I’m not so highly-strung that I am going to be upset about a bin being out a bit longer than usual, plus I am too busy to spend my days staring out of the window. If it were upset about looking at their bin, I would bring it in for them.

I find the casual racism concerning. If ever I discuss any issue, it doesn’t matter what the issue is, local or national, many people will blame it on people coming over here on small boats eg . “Did you hear another tbe burgalary at the jewellers?” “It was probably someone who came here on a boat”. Or “have you seeen that new food shop?” “Oh yeah it stinks when you walk past. I expect it is for people who have come here on boats from France.”

I truly believe you should move to a diverse area, so that you can enjoy the richness that diversity brings. It sounds as though cultural peace and unity disturbs you and bores you. A truly creative engagement for you, in your one precious life, is to walk away from safe boredom and embrace a life that embodies what you believe is best. where would you like to live, to escape the smug tedium of a settled community? Make it happen! Give the gift of escape, to your whole family!

I kind of know what you mean, although from a slightly different angle. We spent the last 10 years living on a new build estate in the burbs of a city. In theory it was quite multicultural, and in our street alone we had people of African, Indian, Pakistani, South American and Eastern European descent (lots of recent immigrants for work reasons). But regardless of ethnicity, everyone was so similar - middle class families in 4 bedroom houses with new cars on the drives and professional jobs. I was SO bored there, and really struggled to find anything in common with most of my neighbours.

So we moved. To a small market town where visibly everyone is actually more white. But it has such a different feel, its arty and quite bohemian, there are lots of community events, really varied exercise classes, book clubs etc, people are not so cookie cutter, and everyone is so friendly and welcoming. I'm 1000% happier. There is just more room for individuality. No edge tho! I wonder if its just the samey feel of where you are rather than the lack of edge / multiculturalism?

I asked because I took it you were saying you feel like you don’t fit in in white suburbia because you grew up in a school where a lot of kids dropped out and some were pregnant when they did their GCSEs.
And I’ve got to say as one of the kids who did do their GCSEs while pregnant I can’t relate. Feel a lot more comfortable in white suburbia than in a city like London or Birmingham.

Although I acknowledge you’ve said you aren’t talking about race.

YANBU, sounds absolutely ghastly. This is why I have always lived in big cities - I need the diversity and grittiness. I don’t want stepford-wife-leafy-perfection. I can’t think of anything worse, in fact, no matter how ‘safe’ the area is.

I have the same feeling you do but in the workplace rather than where I live. I am surrounded by materialistic, money and status obsessed bellends who have eye-wateringly expensive golf club memberships, drive flashy cars and would never travel anywhere that wasn’t ’safe’ (five stars in the Caribbean over backpacking Sri Lanka). I feel like a complete outsider however I don’t bother trying to fit in anymore - I am proudly different. “No, Stephen, I haven’t been to that restaurant with a 5 month wait list, I prefer to spend my money on festivals”. etc

Just to add, it’s not necessarily to do with background either. I come from a more privileged background than some of the people I’m talking about. Perhaps there’s a need to show you’ve ‘made it’ when you had a more humble upbringing? Come to think of it, the truly privileged people I know are nothing like the OP describes. They don’t concern themselves with stupid shit like mum groups and school whatsapp chats, they’re their own person - comfortable in their own skin.

OP, I think you should name this suburb in this big city where everyone but you is smug and racist.

It sounds awful and people need to avoid it.

No, quite the opposite tbh OP. We’ve recently moved from a diverse London suburb that was getting progressively ‘grittier’ - more grime, more crime, more dysfunction, more anti-social behaviour. Now living in a calm, peaceful, community-minded market town where drivers give way to each other and people write letters to the local paper to thank each other for neighbourly deeds.

We are so happy and relieved to be here, and to be raising our young daughter here. It’s culturally homogenous and less convenient than London, and DP and I were sad to leave the place where both of us had happily grown up, but I’ll take the harmonious vibe, clean streets and good schools over the chaos and constant low-level aggression we were living amidst before.

@dizzydizzydizzy "the thing they are apologising for is always some total triviality like leaving their bin out a bit longer on bin day. I find this incredibly odd and frankly annoying"

I think it's great when people are like that. Contributes a lot to a cohesive community.

Well yes I think you have a point. However, I think the people that say this are in my experience very good at throwing their weight around. They are often trying to build up some social brownie points to act as a ‘buffer’ for their inconsiderate behaviour. Former next door neighbours regularly used to apologise to me about having to look at their bin but never ever apologised for their loud parties or their visitors leaving at midnight slamming their car doors, accompanied by yells of “bye”. I didn’t care one jot about the former but I did care about the latter.

My mum’s neighbours also apologise to her about her having to look at things, but also gang up on her with another neighbour.

I agree. Where exactly is this awful place? Must avoid at all costs, ew.

I too am a class tourist, I like a nice variety of classes, otherwise I get bored.

I mean, there’s racism everywhere. Particularly on MN. One can hardly avoid it.

I was dragged up on a council estate, moved to a big city to do my degree and could only afford to live in the edgesy bit (which I loved), stayed there til my 30s then moved to the suburbs. At first I hated it with a passion, but now I realise it's just eaiser...it's safe, dc can walk to the local shop, schools are good, very little crime, feels very safe. Admittedly lots of people appear a bit Stepford, but when you scratch the surface there are plenty of people with character around, they've just mellowed and blend in now.
I do worry that all my dc's friend are white MC, but to be honest I wouldn't trade it for grit at this stage of my life.