Does anyone else feel out of place in a comfortable suburb?

[Mulberrybush1992]

Happy home life, three children. Live in a suburb of a big city. Nice suburb, good schools, crazy house prices, real emphasis on community, green spaces, gorgeous walks. But sometimes feel like it’s superficial. It’s a very white area and it doesn’t take much to detect some smug privilege..sometimes even racism. There isn’t much understanding for people less privileged or from different backgrounds. It can be quite showy - Tesla’s and group 5* holidays.

I feel like a bit of an outsider, despite a solid friendship group. My upbringing was poor and my friends were from more WC backgrounds then. I’m now firmly planted in this MC life, with the household income and house to back it, and I don’t know what it is I’m missing. But I feel like there should be more edge around my children, more colour, art, diversity. Not just surrounded by people chasing the same dream of having a mortgage and driveway for two cars. Not just talking about this small suburb’s world.

Does anyone know what I’m on about? I would love to move house, but don’t know what I’m looking for. I would hate to move and have my children surrounded by low aspirations, crime or bullying. But something is so missing right now and I can’t articulate it. I feel like I live in the Truman Show.

Sure. No diversity and no obvious individualism. I rented in such a place for a while between house sale and next purchase. God it was depressing. You calling it the Truman show is so so accurate.
We now live in the middle of nowhere. Highly recommend it!

I like the buzz of a city which I enjoy when I go into the office. I loved living in the city when I was younger but now when I get back to my nice quiet neighbourhood I feel so thankful I have lovely safe, quiet place to raise my kids. I wouldn’t want it any other way for them.

I live in the next area along from one of these

I'm constantly going into that area because it's so much nicer. I don't do a huge amount of socialising, but I mostly do it there. There's nowhere to go in my neck of the woods except a super rough pub.

I would stick out like a sore thumb, I suppose if people talked about money? Because then it would be obvious that I don't have what they have. But it's very common for people from my area to go to that next area to socialise.

I don't feel that my skin colour is an issue at all but I grew up in a very white area so I'm fine with it.

Have you got to know people well enough to see individualism?

The thing that does make me feel I stick out is I'm the only person I know who is single.

I actually feel quite reassured going into the other area because it seems kind of normal. Edgy is never good.

I'm a bit unclear what you're looking for.

but I do feel the opposite, that people are obsessed with some superficial definition of diversity and I don't fit in with their expectation, if they have racial stereotypes which hopefully most people don't

I’m from a poor background and I’m also mixed race, I live in a very white MC enclave in what has surrounding poorer areas. It’s ex mining and mills round where I live and quite deprived. I have no issue living in what is a very nice road. I lived in inner city Birmingham for 6 years and also London for a little. It was edgy and I didn’t like it at all.

Maybe you are just massively bored with life overall?

I live in an inner London suburb - it’s not “very white”. Nothing wrong with moving if the area lacks diversity.

It's the the central theme in Lynsey Hanley's writing.
In het 1st book, she's more comfortable withe the move from WC to MC them I am, but MC culture differs by region too.
Lynsey Hanley interview: ‘The idea that you could write books was just crackers’ | Society books | The Guardian
When you grow up WC, it's easy to assume MC life is superior in all aspects & that's simply not true. There are many advantages for women in WC communities...I miss many aspects of it.

I’m sorry op but you are being ridiculous. If I had a happy marriage with 3 children, a nice house and a good income I would be praising the Lord every single second for my luck!! How can you feel anything other than pure gratitude for your life? Whatever is lacking in your life comes from within

If you live in a suburb of a big city can you travel in regularly? Find a group or a hobby outside your local area which means you get to chat with people who you might click with in different ways?

If you’re missing something then there are less drastic ways of filling that gap than moving, unless you really dislike where you live. Because the balance of probability is that once you move there’s likely to be something else that winds you up.

@NotAnotherOne1234 which aspects do you miss?

Not saying I agree or disagree I'm just curious

I always find it a bit hypocritical when somebody complains their area is ‘too white’ despite being white themselves and therefore adding to this undesirable ‘whiteness’.

It reminds me of the woman on the beach during Covid who complained about how busy it was and how there were too many people there.

Big lack of self awareness.

So the only thing you really seem to be missing to make your life 'real' is a few poor black/brown people to give you all some 'edge'.
I find your attitude odd and offensive tbh.

I prefer inner city or remote countryside, not the in between.

I do feel ridiculous. But I do think there’s something in it. This is going to sound mad, but it’s almost like I can see how regular Germans turned a blind eye to Nazi actions. I feel like so many people I meet are self-interested. They couldn’t care less about world events or global warming, so long as UPFs aren’t impacting their personal cancer risk. I would fall over in shock if anyone shared any sort of political activism that veered towards inclusive or socialist ideals. There’s so much self promotion and image and it feels so shallow.

@Twisterlollies I think you’ve assumed that I’m white/come from an exclusively white background.

Thanks for the helpful signposting and suggestions. I really do realise it sounds ridiculous, but I also know what I see and why it makes me uneasy. Does no one else have experience of chatting to highly successful people, and having them drop in a homophobic slur or racist comment very casually? And how jarring it is to live alongside many people like that, but accepting it because of the benefits of safety and education in that area. I don’t know.

I get you op. I lived for 18 years in the suburbs of a London commuter town. God I was bored rigid. Narrow minded, monocultural, boring tedium.

I live in the centre of a small city nearby. I’ve never been happier. Much more of a sense of community here.

eta the suburban hell was the second safest Tory seat in Britain. My politics did not align with the vibe of the town.

I would hate living somewhere like that. It’s very similar to where I grew up. My parents were very middle class performative, despite being from very working class backgrounds.

I lived in a city as an adult and then in a very rural area. I enjoyed city life in my 20s. But I love the countryside. Peace and quiet and animals and really no one cares what sort of car you have or what you’re wearing. People are just friendly and helpful.

I don’t think it’s fair to generalise probably, but my friends who live very MC suburban lives seem quite paralysed with anxiety about making the right social choices, right playgroups, right schools, right street, right car, right sort of birthday parties. I do think it’s self perpetuating. They’ve moved to those sort of suburbs because they are people all wound up in performing the right sort of life. But man, I could not be doing with that! I’m very happy with my mud and my chickens and my feral children. 😂

Yes I get what you are saying. Feels one dimensional.

No. I don’t feel like that at all! I grew up in a grotty ‘edgy’ suburb and now live in an affluent suburb that sounds a lot like yours. My DC got a great education with no disruption and went to a top university. We joke that they grew up in a bubble, but I wouldn’t wish that they grew up where I did.

@Mulberrybush1992 "They couldn’t care less about world events"

do they know you well enough to talk about that kind of thing? I am making a conscious effort to care less about things I can't control anyway. I actually had a chat with someone about this the other day, he's getting really stressed with it all.

I haven't had the experience of anyone dropping in racist comments, but it would be quite something if they did it to my face.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. That sort of area wouldn’t be for me either. However, I live in an urban fringe area that probably ticks a lot of your boxes (diverse, progressive, arty) and the local secondary school (which is considered desirable) has a lot of problems with behaviour and achievement, and there are no other options. We also have a lot of petty crime: cars being keyed, tyres slashed. It’s hard to have it all!

@mindutopia nail on the head there. I find myself starting to agonise over these things. Get swept up in WhatsApp messages analysing the new headteacher’s latest newsletter. Someone else called it boredom, and I think that’s kind of it. I never thought I’d be someone that would sit with friends and talk about reading attainment levels. That sounds so superior, but it’s just different. I haven’t found my people that read books, enjoy rugged walks, cry at the news. Everyone is quite hard and perfect, or present that way at least.

What exactly is it that’s stopping you moving somewhere more diverse? Why are you forcing yourself to live around white people you find insufferable?

I grew up in the sort of place you’re describing. Hated it. Left at 18 and am now bringing my kids up in a part of London people say is grotty. I can’t bear the lack of life or energy in some parts of this country but it’s horses for courses… lots of people leave the borough I live in as soon as they have children.

It’s not about what’s right, it’s about what’s right for you. Are you happy?

I grew up in a northern inner city I went to a solid comp … but my god it had issues… drugs, teenage pregnancy, addictions loads of issues. There was a lot of issues in my own home and the surrounds area.

it made me street, it made me gritty, it made me capable of speaking to all people, it means I treat everyone the same and talk to everyone, I can connect on lots of diff levels … but when I went to a redbrick uni my goodness I realised how far apart the ‘Rich’ and poor are. Would I want that for my kids? Have they visited my home city many many times - and yes we live in a m/c bubble but after the stuff we dealt with on our doorstep I much prefer this world.

@Teethyblinders because it’s a good life. Because why would I trade in a good life - and my children’s - just to be with people that feel more like me. I wanted to know if other people exist like this. Living a good life but feeling disconnected from how the people around you see the world. Feeling a bit disappointed that you’re letting yourself become someone you didn’t ever think you’d be.

It’s actually been helpful to read responses. Because some people get it and it doesn’t look like there’s an easy answer. The only tempting one is the PP who spoke about rural life and chickens.