Does anyone else feel out of place in a comfortable suburb?

[Mulberrybush1992]

Happy home life, three children. Live in a suburb of a big city. Nice suburb, good schools, crazy house prices, real emphasis on community, green spaces, gorgeous walks. But sometimes feel like it’s superficial. It’s a very white area and it doesn’t take much to detect some smug privilege..sometimes even racism. There isn’t much understanding for people less privileged or from different backgrounds. It can be quite showy - Tesla’s and group 5* holidays.

I feel like a bit of an outsider, despite a solid friendship group. My upbringing was poor and my friends were from more WC backgrounds then. I’m now firmly planted in this MC life, with the household income and house to back it, and I don’t know what it is I’m missing. But I feel like there should be more edge around my children, more colour, art, diversity. Not just surrounded by people chasing the same dream of having a mortgage and driveway for two cars. Not just talking about this small suburb’s world.

Does anyone know what I’m on about? I would love to move house, but don’t know what I’m looking for. I would hate to move and have my children surrounded by low aspirations, crime or bullying. But something is so missing right now and I can’t articulate it. I feel like I live in the Truman Show.

Hit the nail on the head

White people are getting a bit bored of being told they’re evil one second and then having people move to their neighbourhoods because they’re “nice” only to complain about there being too many white people.

Move to small heath Birmingham

No one’s forcing you to live there. Why haven’t you moved to small heath yet?

I've got children that are settled and at a good school. It wouldn't be fair on them.

But I can't stop feeling like a fraud here - and I long for diversity. I will move in a few years time when they're older.

It's really not ridiculous to miss diversity, culture and feel perturbed by being surrounded by people who are racist, smug and entitled. Frankly, it does sound a bit dull. And if kids grow up in that and it's their norm then they can absorb these ideals and attitudes.

Yes, it's good to be comfortable and safe, of course, but there is, and should be, more to life than this!

If you dont like the culture of the area you live in why dont you consider moving? I dont mean this in a snarky way. It isnt a choice between what appears to be a very, very affluent non-diverse suburb or a crime-riddled deprived neighbourhood. There are different types of areas you could choose.
Also if you dont like your friends much or you just dont feel very connected to them - I may be wrong but I sense you dont, then difficult as it is maybe you should look to develop new connections. Maybe a book group, walking group, poltical or pressure group etc. Or perhaps suggest to your existing friends going to an art centre or a theatre. Talk to them about politics or culture or the environment not the kids ballet recital or the school newsletter. Give them a chance - they might surprise you. People arent always who they seem at first. If they turn out to be vacuous, keep it surface for the kids sake and move on. If you want to engage with people about stuff beyond the superficial you have to try, and potentially reach out beyond your existing circle.

People say it isnt fair to move the kids - if they are in the middle of their GCSEs I get it - if they are at primary for example you could if you wanted to and had the resouces. There are reasonable schools in different types of areas. It is about balancing what you really want.

Where I live can be like this but you need to scratch below the surface

Mainly through my involvement in sports I’ve met a more diverse crowd

But yeah if I hang around the school mums too long it’s all very middle class aspirational chat. I just zone it out

Yeah exactly people move all the time because they’re don’t like a place. If you really wanted diversity you’d move

I definitely understand! We lived in a fairly affluent suburb for a while. Almost all white families, with one or two kids dressed in organic cotton smocks. A lot of money, a lot of education etc, but definitely just under the surface there was racism and also hideous classism. Sometimes the people there didn't even realise how bad they sounded - one friend would make derogatory comments about my own ethnicity to me, as if I'd agree because I lived there (yes, even knowing my ethnicity). Lots of them would talk about "chavs". Another friend would whine about "only" being given a house and the money to renovate it, when she also wanted a monthly allowance from her exorbitantly wealthy parents.

We moved to a very mixed area of a big city, best decision we ever made.

I am grateful every single day that I have a house and a job and a car and can afford 3 kids. None of that was ever guaranteed, maybe not even likely, for me. But the loneliness of living in that suburb almost took the good of that away.

A core issue here isn’t really about where a person lives. It’s about the feeling of being a cultural misfit because of the way your life has progressed.

I grew up on a solidly working class council estate. Most kids barely stayed on at school to do O levels/GCSEs. When I sat my GCSEs, a number of my peers were pregnant. There was no 6th form. I was the only girl from my school to go to uni aged 18.

The life I have now is very different from my childhood and youth. I’ve worked bloody hard to achieve that. But the sense of not truly belonging in either community persists. I don’t have a similar cultural capital as my neighbours and local friends.

My DH was privately educated and had an upbringing that was very different to mine. But mine was more fun. We often joke about how I was brought up watching ITV but it was banned in his house. He watched Monty Python, I watched the Two Ronnies and Benny Hill.

I am conscious of my accent, my spoken and written grammar, my lack of knowledge about the arts. I often feel like a bit of a fraud. Imposter syndrome, I suppose.

My dc have a great life and I don’t want to change that. But I can also feel out of place in this life we have. Both can exist at the same time.

Cant relate but you can move to a less privelaged area and be at peace once again instead of bemoaning the area, and decrying the people of the area, you chose to move into.

are you white? I was one of the kids who did their GCSEs while pregnant. I currently live in a town like the one described here, 90+ % white. Not ashamed to say I love it.

Again if you don’t like being around white people why are you forcing yourself to live around us evil nazis?

Wow, what the hell is wrong with you?

I can relate OP. I grew up in a very smug, insular dormitory town in the SE, and left when I was 16. Every time I went to visit my parents I'd feel the same oppressive feeling and would end up quite depressed. I was careful not to let the DC know how I was feeling, yet they still pronounced it "boooring".

Like PPs, I spent 10 years living in London, and now live rurally. Can't stand the "in between".

What’s the problem? I can’t say I like where I live? Why the fuck not?

I am someone who's come from WC class to MC trappings and find the people around me a bit....dull, slightly ignorant and performative. We live rurally so not in the suburbs but there definitely are the correct areas to live in. It is very much small world.

I grew up on a street with drug dealers, burnt out cars, serious sexual assaults in the lanes and a man around the corner got stabbed in an altercation with his neighbours over music volume. I count my blessings my child is living a very vanilla life.

Maybe you need to join some groups/hobbies out of your area to provide some mental stimulation for you? Get yourself into a space somewhere to get your fix and help you feel more settled?

I agree with this. If you’re so offended by it, you should have had mixed race babies. Over 80% of the population is white. Statistically, there are going to be places that aren’t diverse enough. You’re perpetuating the whiteness of the area OP.

We lived in a “desirable commuter village” (massive suburb!) for a few years and I hated it, felt trapped and suffocated. The micro culture in the area didn’t help, it was very ‘blingy’ which wasn’t our vibe at all and so found it difficult to relate to people and make friends.
Covid was the nail in the coffin and we moved to a village, semi rural with lots of open space. There’s probably more money around here than where we used to live but there’s no Chanel bags at the local pub and the kids aren’t going into school boasting about specific designer brands or who’s dad drives what, it’s definitely more low key.

Its horses for courses, you just haven't found your course yet. You prefer livelier areas with diversity, the place you live now appears to be full of white people who appear quite happy with the lack of diversity. Why can't they have that as an active choice? Just move.

I grew up in the centre of a small but historic/beautiful town, and I now live in the centre of a small, historic, beautiful city. I have lived in East London and in one of the Oxbridge towns and one of the Scottish central belt cities along the way, as well as overseas a couple of times (briefly in an older suburb, and then in a walkable North American older area of a city).
I always knew I would die living in a suburb so I have never done so. I also couldn't live rurally (though I've lived in a very small historic town in a developing country).
So basically I've always lived within walking distance of a historic museum (or once a bike ride). Maybe I should make that my criterion for where to move to next?
Move to a city, you won't go back!

@Twisterlollies I have a mixed ethnicity daughter though the rest of the family are white (DCs are adopted). I feel I am justified in complaining about an area being too white. Indeed, after school in an industrial Midlands city going to uni in the Central Belt felt very white - that was the 80s though.

OP’s not white…

As you asked me a direct question, I will respond. Although I am
not sure why the question was asked or why the answer matters.

Yes, I am white. So is my DH and therefore, so are our dc. We are all white, English, British. So were my parents, grandparents, great grandparents. In fact, I come from a very long line of white, working class people who worked as dockers, in factories, as cleaners etc etc.

My previous posts have nothing to do with race nor ethnicity. It’s more about class, cultural capital and feeling like an imposter.

With respect @Teethyblinders I find your use of the term “evil nazis” disrespectful and it is one that I would never use myself.

I live in an area much like you describe. It’s not for me either. It’s very middle aged, middle class. Everyone knows everyone and I crave anonymity. I can see objectively that it’s a great place to live and my husband is very happy here because it’s got lots of opportunities for biking and hiking close by but I miss the buzz of the city so much.

You appear to be contradicting yourself OP