Does anyone else feel out of place in a comfortable suburb?

[Mulberrybush1992]

Happy home life, three children. Live in a suburb of a big city. Nice suburb, good schools, crazy house prices, real emphasis on community, green spaces, gorgeous walks. But sometimes feel like it’s superficial. It’s a very white area and it doesn’t take much to detect some smug privilege..sometimes even racism. There isn’t much understanding for people less privileged or from different backgrounds. It can be quite showy - Tesla’s and group 5* holidays.

I feel like a bit of an outsider, despite a solid friendship group. My upbringing was poor and my friends were from more WC backgrounds then. I’m now firmly planted in this MC life, with the household income and house to back it, and I don’t know what it is I’m missing. But I feel like there should be more edge around my children, more colour, art, diversity. Not just surrounded by people chasing the same dream of having a mortgage and driveway for two cars. Not just talking about this small suburb’s world.

Does anyone know what I’m on about? I would love to move house, but don’t know what I’m looking for. I would hate to move and have my children surrounded by low aspirations, crime or bullying. But something is so missing right now and I can’t articulate it. I feel like I live in the Truman Show.

Teen pregnancy comparable to smoking crack? I was pregnant with my eldest at 15. Im far from gritty or street quite a boring bitch really 😂

Are you white?

This is going to sound mad, but it’s almost like I can see how regular Germans turned a blind eye to Nazi actions.

Then you’ll be pleased to know the majority of antisemitism is not being carried out by bourgeois white people in commuter towns.

She’s said she’s mixed race.
I don’t fully understand why one would move to somewhere full of white people and then complain about there being too many white people though? But horses for courses

Well there’s as much judgement of MC people by WC as there is the other way round. I can assure you that your bouji neighbourhood and nice gardens would have been a nicer place to be holed up in lockdown than a flat or terrace in an inner city.

That being said I do feel it’s more difficult for me to find my people in my Surrey town than other places I’ve visited. I was just in Folkestone which has a big artistic / foodie scene and it felt far more my type of place than where I live. What I have to remember that my town has great schools, great links into London and excellent green spaces nearby and that’s probably more important to me right now. Fortunately I am friends with politically interested people who share my values so possibly not quite the same demographic even if I am in Surrey ( and now no longer even Tory )

I'm mixed race and live in a relatively white area (though we are in London so actually nowhere is that white, though this might be one of the whitest bits of it). I'm fine with it. Good schools, nice place, good facilities and access to lots of stuff to do.

I think maybe you might need new friends who have a more similar outlook on the world. Even in my rich middle class suburb, I have plenty of friends who are interested in the world and care about those less fortunate than themselves. The ones who don't care and aren't like that aren't people I have ever bothered to spend time with.

I'm with you OP as you can tell by my username.....

I live in a city which is great and more so for my DS who is mixed race.

@Alouest can I ask if you have any hobby or anything in particular you think helped you find those people? I haven’t stretched myself further than school and local community mums, which might be why I’m finding the same thing over and over.

@Teethyblinders I would never have associated living in a heavily white area with the feelings I’m now having. I work with plenty of white people where we are on completely the same wave length, but sadly they’re not in my local community and their children aren’t mixing with mine.

It can be hard to find your place. I don't feel like I fully fit in where I live now (WC, pretty rough around the edges) but also wouldn't fit in a more affluent area. Maybe somewhere right in the middle or like a PP said, the middle of nowhere.

But don't think that that those racist and homophobic slurs dropped casually in aren't going to be present in a rougher area, however diverse it is! If it's anywhere like my area, they'd just get shouted at you by teens with masks, on bikes, rather than dropped into conversation by a posh school mum. People have prejudice at every level of society.

Sounds like you need to join a walking group or book club and find some likeminded friends.

Are you only spending time with people in your local area? Or do you go into the city for events?
Have you tried digging a bit deeper into clubs/ groups/ activities around you?
After Living in my area for a number of years, I now feel more a part of the community. I discovered ‘people like me’ by joining yoga classes and those contacts led me to more authentic groups that I enjoy being part of.
Are you lacking a bit of excitement? Purpose? Community?

I completely understand where you are coming from. The suburbs literally give me the heebie jeebies. I like inner city or country. Not so comfortable in between.

I don't know really. I do a running thing and a choir thing. But mostly the friends I've made since I had a child have been from her schools. I have several really good friends from the primary years who just happened to be people I clicked with. I have a couple from the secondary years. And also a couple from each of the running and choir things. I'm lucky in that I grew up here so have a number of friends from my own schooldays. They live in different bits of London now so we don't see each other as much as I'd like but I expect that to change when all our kids are at university or off doing their own thing! Not long now.

I realise that the fact I grew up here doesn't help but I'd just suggest casting your net a bit wider. Join whatever you like and can make work with the constraints on your time and availability. Meet more people! I'm guessing your children are quite young. You might find in a few years you have a lot more time to do things just for yourself.

I would be careful OP not to assume that other people don't have similar backgrounds to you or aren't interested in politics or environmental issues. Just some people don't talk openly to others about those kinds of subjects for various reasons.

But also I would challenge you that you want diversity but then also people that think the same as you which isn't really diversity is it?

I have a diverse set of friends through a women's social group and one of the great things about each person is they are unique even if we could all be grouped into middle aged, Middle class Suburban dwelling women.

That's what struck me too. She wants a background of non-white people so she can show how tolerant, progressive, kind and inclusive she is. I suspect she'd prefer them to be poor, to have suffered great hardship and most certainly to be culturally 'foreign'. Non-white, culturally British people who have no monstrous backstory and are also "chasing the same dream of having a mortgage and driveway for two cars" and are "just getting on with their lives" likely don't count. They might as well be white really. And - ugh - the horror of being happy and content among white people and/or culturally British people! It's like "how regular Germans turned a blind eye to Nazi actions"! Apparently. Because all white people are Nazis. Obv.

You know, I'm not sure her 'Nazi' neighbours are the bad guys here. Or the massive racists.

I’m a Londoner. Born and raised. It’s taken me a long time to get used to super-suburban life and I don’t love it, but I do absolutely love the opportunities it gives my DC including the opportunity to not get mugged on the way home from school and it be normal.

Here they have space, much more healthy outdoor lifestyle and no one going round on mopeds robbing people. Balaclava wearing gangs in the park, people with serious mental health issues along every high street, petrol fumes, dirt, men sitting outside cafes all day long smoking and intimidating young girls. Nah.

I miss London. It’s my home. But I am glad my kids are not part of that world.

I know exactly what you mean @Mulberrybush1992I could have written your OP word for word.

For a very long time, I have felt like a fish out of water. Like I don’t really fit in this life that my DH and I have built for ourselves. Nor do I fit in with the community in which I was raised. The one where my DM still lives.

Where I live is lovely. It’s safe, loads of green spaces, great schools, decent neighbours, superb range of activities for the kids, community events. The list goes on. But life here often feels so transactional.

I was dropped by all my school friends when because I wanted to go to the local uni. So I have no longstanding circle to fall back on.

I know lots of people in the town in which I live and work. I am well known and active in my community. Always bumping into someone for a chat etc.

But these past couple of days have been particularly hard. I watched the Arsenal parade yesterday and it was lovely. London at its best. All sorts of people coming together. The grit and the grime. It has its faults but to me, it will always be home. The friendships my mum had when we were kids were proper friendships. Women who would go into battle for each other if needed. I don’t see that around me, not in the same way. We are all too busy booking our Ocado shops.

I often mention to my DH that when I retire, I want to buy a flat in London and spend most of my time there. He doesn’t quite know how serious I am.

What a strange, strange take on the OPs post.

she moved to an area she liked, and it's nice. She didn't realise how jarring she would find the lack of diversity in skin colour and how self absorbed people are. She's allow to have thought and feelings that dont align with yours. Good lordt

I am actually envious of you op.

I live in a fairly ok area, decent schools etc but the main difference is that my son’s school is over 50% diverse. You mentioned you have a solid friendship group and I am the opposite. I have 2 friends in the whole city. I am struggling to make friends or bond with other parents, and do feel lonely.

I would also agree with this that politics is a very divisive subject so many people are hesitant to openly discuss it. One of my best friends didn’t even feel comfortable telling her partner that she voted for Brexit.

Do you feel better for getting that poison out of your system?

I lived in this sort of area in a bit in the home counties. My god I hated it. Everyone was "nice", slightly right wing, very dull. Lots of keeping up with the Joneses. Cars and holidays were talked about, but always in a slightly flashy way. I have lived in other MC areas and it wasn't so insipid or superficial.
I now live in a really diverse area, in every sense. Kids friends are from all backgrounds as are my friends. Some have money but don't flash it about in the same ways.
People genuinely look out for each other. Its all much more fun. Good nights out, fun pubs and bars lots happening.

Same; I've always known I'd die of boredom in suburbia

I live in well-to-do place with lots of wealthy SAHM and did feel a bit like this at the very beginning but I rapidly a) found my friends and b) began to see beneath the surface and realised that any area has its share of social issues, illness and tragedy.

Why not become a volunteer or charity trustee? Look up your local ‘City voluntary action’ for a list of local vacancies.

I previously lived in inner London and feel jolly lucky to be raising my DC here. I wouldn’t want to live somewhere more ‘edgy’, because why would I want the risks associated with that?

To be honest, a little bit of your post whiffs of wanting diversity or edge as a form of window dressing yet never to be impacted by any downsides.

I live in a predominantly white suburb and know exactly what the OP means.

I sometimes long for a bit more diversity - even dream about it.

I get it OP. I’m looking for somewhere to retire after a life in outer London. Friends have moved to quiet prosperous towns and described the same sense of slight boredom. I want to live somewhere that has young people, not a retirement town with no life.
Cant have it all though. Unless someone can suggest an area with woodland walks and peace that’s on a tube line!