Scared at night as an adult

[Drivingselfmad]

Name changed for this.

I’m in my 40s, a mother of teenagers, have a responsible job etc. But I have spent maybe 3 nights alone in a house in my life and I am terrified to do so. I’m usually slightly better when the kids are there - just knowing they are in the house is comforting. But tonight it’s just me and the kids at home, and even them being there isn’t helping. I’m scared. Of intruders, of ghosts, you name it. I imagine the worst possible things. Sleeping in a house completely on my own I find almost impossible. When DP is away, sometimes I keep a receptacle to pee in in the bedroom, so I don’t have to venture to the toilet at night. I check all the locks, under beds, in cupboards, and still I’m afraid. I can feel my heart rate going now, and I know I won’t sleep for ages. When DP is there I’m not scared at all. Have got an alarm; I’m tense in case it goes off. Won’t get a dog, as (surprise) I’m scared of those too.

I do have some past trauma in my life - personal tragedy rather than anything directly related to my fears. But I know my scaredy-cat nature predates that.

Any experience/advice? Thank you

In fine now sleeping alone in my current house as I feel it has good vibes and I have a dog now. Although I have suffered greatly in the past, moving this year and worried my fear will return. Although reading some PP suggestion of propananol to help, I am on this now for another issue (not at anti anxiety doses) so maybe this isn't the miraculous cure I thought it was. Could be they are helping.

In the past I would suffer so bad. Afraid of both you say ghosts and intruders, wake with paralysis, heart racing, can hardly breathe, staring at the window in fear. Always had insomnia (still do) so hours and hours of lying there in fear, afraid of going to the toilet, afraid of looking in a mirror in case I see something I don't want to see. Thinking over and over of what I would do if someone breaks in. Running into DD room and the items of furniture I could quickly move to block the door while phoning the police was the plan. But the paralysis and inability to speak I woke up with many of times made me worry I couldn't act if needed.

Things I found which helped (Although not totally got rid of)

• couldn't have a dog as in a rental back then, so got a bird, could blame them for any noises in the night

• on a very bad day, sleep with the light on, or tv on silent if that is too bright ( don't keep the sound on even if you can sleep with the noise as if you wake to hearing voices it can be really alarming)
• having the plan of what you would do if intruders come in can be helpful
• Don't watch anything intense before bed. Even if not a horror. Sometimes something with a lot of drama or emotion can heighten your emotional state long term. I make sure I watch something "fluffy" right before bed now such as homes under the hammer, place in the sun, come dine with me. It took a long time to realise that even non horrors were causing bad thoughts and heightened fear as I had just escaped into a different world of drama on the TV.
• a pet can help a lot. What about a cat if you are afraid of dogs?
• a good alarm system as others have mentioned (i couldn't afford this option back then, but know it would have got rid of the intruders element of fear)

But also agree that seeking professional help is needed. Until this post is hadn't realised it was a common issue and would have felt embarrassed to seek help. If this does return when I move, I would now seek help, as those tips I mentioned up top help, but don't eliminate entirely

I'm frightened of the dark, I was never allowed a light on at night as a child, the house had to be in complete darkness or my parents couldn't sleep. I'd lay there terrified, also had Alice in Wonderland syndrome which exacerbated it.

I'm surprised how many other people here are the same, I've never met anyone else who is afraid as an adult. If DH is away I sleep with the light on. We always sleep with the curtains open so the streetlights light the room..

Not necessarily true.

I lived with my parents until 18 and had the fear then (as far back as i can remember, but then it was only about ghosts not about intruders), then in house shares for 1-1.5 years and had the fear then. Lived with a boyfriend for around 4 years and was fine (unless he worked a night shift), then become a single mum living with just DD and had the extreme fear for the whole 10 years while we lived at my previous address, until we moved to my current house. Now I'm fine, apart from the very rare night where I feel in a heightened state of anxiety, which I solve by taking my dog upstairs (he usually sleeps downstairs) and put the TV on silently

I think it is probably more common than we realise as it isn't something people want to admit.

Even though I'm fine now, I have voil type curtains that let all the street light in. I have had 2 relationships while having these and my exes both hated them as destructed their sleep, but don't think I could ever sleep in total darkness now

A few years ago I had a horrific experience when I was alone at home one night. Masked men kicked my kitchen door open , beat me up and demanded money. They got nothing because I keep little cash in the house. I dont wear expensive jewellery. They ran off because others had heard me screaming and came out into the street. For years after I had PTSD, hypervigilence, agorophobia and panic attacks. I never spoke about it because I felt shame at not having recovered. Going anywhere to have therapy was out of the question because i dreaded going out or interacting with people. Eventually I had a course of "talking therapy" of the phone which did help to some extent. What affected me so deeply was the idea that I have aways been a powerful independent woman and I could be overwhelmed by some yobbo in a ski mask.

It's such a vulnerable feeling an experience like that leaves you with.

In my case a drunk eejit just got the wrong house and broke in thinking he was locked out, I actually think I scared him more than he scared me on reflection (I chased him out of the house while he repeatedly shouted im sorry!) but after that I never felt secure in that house again and was really glad when I moved.

Absolutely no shame in how long it takes you to process what you went through. Something like that happening is extremely confronting.

Op it also might be good to look at the monkey vs man brain theory - at night your natural resilience becomes quite low so your more primal aspect of your brain comes to the fore moreso than it does during the day and it runs off adrenaline and frequently will look for 'problems' to solve but monkeys aren't as good at problem solving so you are more likely to catastrophise. I found this really helpful as I used to be bad at spiralling over silly work issues at night and not sleeping (but then feeling much better about them in the morning) and now when I catch myself spiralling at night or that anxious monkey brain starting I will mentally think to myself "that's just my monkey and its time to put it to sleep" and that weirdly really helps me. So maybe it might help you?

In addition to getting some real help with your anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I would prioritise making bedtime and your bedroom a time and space for unwinding. Clear out any clutter (I need to practice what I preach!) and, if you can, get yourself really nice bedding, a weighted blanket, a big sitting-up reading cushion (think they're called cuddle cushions) and a bedside lamp.

If you don't already have one, I'd also suggest an Alexa or similar so you can listen to audiobooks without the distraction of a screen. I find the Alexa in my room also helps as a small light/voice of reality when my brain decides that someone is standing in the corner, 100 times a night, but I'm too paralysed to turn on the light or move. I just ask it the time or the forecast and try to breathe.

I love Dickens and Jane Austen novels for long, comforting listens that I can sleep to/with, without incorporating their drama into my dreams. Miriam Margolyes and Juliet Stevenson narrate particularly soothing versions of Bleak House and Persuasion but there are plenty of lovely versions of all the novels to choose from, including several JA works read by Rosamund Pike.

A book, a notebook and pencil and a basket of nice pampering things like essential oils, body lotions, eye cream, sheet masks etc. can also help make bedtime more mellow. You can use the products while you have a read or write down the things that are on your mind so you can let them go and get ready to sleep. It's surprising how much little luxuries can help with self-soothing.

I'm trying to do all of these more consistently, too, five years on from getting out of a scary life situation. Intrusive thoughts can be a problem, but talking aloud to myself to literally say that I am safe and all is well can diffuse them. And, although on bad nights I revert to pacing and checking the doors and windows or sleeping on the sofa to keep watch, most of the time I do stay in bed.

It’s not that bad. I don’t like turning the light off myself and either get DH to do it or do big light off small bedside light off. Also when I’m home alone I sleep with my childhood teddy 🤷‍♀️. Some laugh but idc she helps me feel calm and safe.

Wow, I just googled Alice in Wonderland syndrome because I didn't understand your reference, and learned there's a name for the freaky sensation I used to sometimes have as a child!

Yes I need a light . Someone broke in very late at night when I was 11 and I woke up to them standing at the bottom of my bed and he sexually assaulted me. So the challenge I have when people say no one is going to break in is err well they did!

That is an incredibly incredibly rare occurrence though. The number of people that’s happened to in the UK is in the dozens not the thousands or even hundreds.

Glad to be of service 😅 I learned about it on MN too, nobody understood when I mentioned it as a child. Very occasionally I still get it if I'm overtired.

Sorry, my first reaction is you re being daft...however it's seems your trauma is actually real and at play here. Sending you a hug.

Oh yes I know but sometimes your brain doesn’t rationalise that. It was Portugal and it was a fellow holidaymaker who’d obviously been watching the apartment and lucky for him my parents were the type who thought it was acceptable to leave a child alone so they could go to the bar. So yes a combination of things.