Scared at night as an adult

[Drivingselfmad]

Name changed for this.

I’m in my 40s, a mother of teenagers, have a responsible job etc. But I have spent maybe 3 nights alone in a house in my life and I am terrified to do so. I’m usually slightly better when the kids are there - just knowing they are in the house is comforting. But tonight it’s just me and the kids at home, and even them being there isn’t helping. I’m scared. Of intruders, of ghosts, you name it. I imagine the worst possible things. Sleeping in a house completely on my own I find almost impossible. When DP is away, sometimes I keep a receptacle to pee in in the bedroom, so I don’t have to venture to the toilet at night. I check all the locks, under beds, in cupboards, and still I’m afraid. I can feel my heart rate going now, and I know I won’t sleep for ages. When DP is there I’m not scared at all. Have got an alarm; I’m tense in case it goes off. Won’t get a dog, as (surprise) I’m scared of those too.

I do have some past trauma in my life - personal tragedy rather than anything directly related to my fears. But I know my scaredy-cat nature predates that.

Any experience/advice? Thank you

I get it. Generally humans feel more vulnerable when alone and when alone in bed in the dark even more so.

DP occasionally works nights and although we luckily have an ensuite, I make sure I take up everything and anything me and my toddler could possibly need so I dont have to venture down stairs again. I generally dont sleep well when hes not here.

I definitely suggest meditation/CBT for the anxiety. I haven't done it for this but I used to be absolutely terrified of escalators... which made getting to work and the tube extremely difficult. My heart would beat so fast I would shake and physically cry stepping onto them. Was sick a few times.

I actually used chatgbt to help me rationalise it - and it really helped.

But its definitely not unreasonable to be afraid of this. We all feel most vulnerable at night and alone.

Did you have the issue then?

Yes I did. Hard to remember as I have been married 25 years, but I have always had this issue
As a teenager we lived in a bungalow and several times there was someone outside my window ( there genuinely was- heard them lots of times and actually saw them twice)
It had a significant effect on me clearly

Which company? (I work in that area so just being nosy!)

I'm occasionally a little uneasy - no more than that - when my husband's away for the night. I put it down to my early fondness for ghost stories (MR James, anyone?), and current liking for podcasts about strange phenomena of all types. UFOs, bigfoot, Men In Black, mothman, mirrored men, black stickmen, shadow people, they're all grist to my mill.

I remain profoundly sceptical, but hopelesslly fascinated. There's just a little part of me that wants to look out of my bedroom window at 3am to see a UFO silently hovering over the playing field opposite...

I have never lived alone, and am very rarely alone i the house at night.

My DH marches about in the house at night with the lights all off if he's forgotten something or goes down for a glass of water or whatever. I'm like - 'aren't you ever nervous!?' and he's just not.

Me? I can't even be second to him on the stairs when we go up because i get the heebie jeebies 🤣 I'm generally ok going to the loo at night (as long as i dont look down the stairs into the dark) because i'm half asleep. Very occasionally i'll be half way back to bed and get that 'flight' response and hurl myself into bed 😂

Having to go downstairs for something for one of the kids is a dreaded scenario. Luckily they're very healthy and over the years it's been quite rare. When it's full on throwing up or similar it's ok cos all the lights go on and everyone is awake. It's the going downstairs quietly for calpol or water for them that's hard. I steel myself and put on all the lights on the way down and turn them off one by one behind me as i come up faster and faster !

This thread has been eye opening - I had no idea it was so widespread.

But then I have always been happy to walk round my home in the dark since I was a child!

I’m also scared of being home alone at night. I barely sleep. I dread it when DH is away and try and get one of the adult dc or a friend to stay over for at least one night so I can get some sleep.

I know - I can’t quite believe there are so many of us so scared!

Get ring cameras you will know if anyone comes even close to your house

Also scared about paranormal stuff at night. Feel better knowing there are so many of us

Exposure therapy will help with the fear of being alone, (I'm ignoring your comment about ghosts).

When I became a lone parent I felt like this for a while op. Every bump in the night had me in a cold sweat. If it was bad I'd usually leave a light on in the hall. Did a thorough check of everywhere before I went to bed and then I found using some background noise really helps so I'll listen to rain noise or thunderstorm noise or similar so I'm paying attention to that and not the silence. It also helped when I got used to my neighbours routine so I'd know what was them going upstairs for example. I was previously broken into which started it off for me. But honestly, the more I've been on my own the easier it gets. It's not something I even really think about now unless I hear something really out of the ordinary (usually neighbours).

Do you feel safe where you live? I felt better when I moved into our current house. I also liked when I had a cat because if he was chill then I knew it was nothing because he'd react otherwise.

Its probably hard to tackle head on if your dh or kids are usually at home because you're not getting the opportunity to go through it regularly enough for your brain to learn its fine.

I think some therapy would be a good place to start op. As others have said, weeing in your room to avoid walking to your bathroom is quite a strong sign that this is really affecting your life. Maybe some hypnotherapy or cbt? But if you think it's trauma related then gp would be worth a visit.

I'd also look at what you're consuming on TV/ social media. I don't bother with horror/ thriller/ crime stuff now and try not to engage much with certain types of news content or things online. You need to protect your bubble in that respect. I also do meditation and breathing exercises and like a guided meditation before bed.

I'm the opposite, I love it when OH is away! Peace and quiet, no snoring, bed to myself... I sleep so well.

@Lavender14 I do actually feel safe in my house, on a rational level. Also, on a woo-woo level, it has a good energy. But my mind just goes ‘what if’…

Love this - I need to channel it. I love DP being away up until the point I turn the lights off!

Ooh that's my favourite too!
You'll probably get a decent list just by going through 'recommended for you' on whatever player you use but if a personal recommendation is any good here's some I like:

For more food stuff

• Dish (weirdly it's a waitrose production but it's genuinely funny and they have good, high profile guests)
• Comfort Eating with Grace Dent

For book stuff - I just started listening to "the book club" (exciting name ha ha), which is a "the rest is..." podcast but does a long (1.5h or so) deep dive on some famous books. You might find an ep about a book you like or want to explore.
I just remembered Sara Pascoe (who i love) has a book podcast I've been meaning to listen to, loads more eps than the above, it's called the Weirdo Book Club I think - can't recommend it as such cos not listened yet but she's really funny imo.

Comedy

• Adam Buxton's podcast - he was one of the first podcasters I ever came across and there's hundreds of episodes with great guests, loads of funny people
• Harry Hill - very silly and surreal but lighthearted
• Strong message here - a bit more political, but if you like Armando Iannuci/ the thick of it you might love it. More theme/ discussion based than guest based so quite different to off menu etc
• Rule of Three - a short lived but really good podcast about comedy, with a guest each episode looking at some of the best comedies and chatting about why they're funny

Bit of a rogue suggestion and not a podcast but something I watched a lot during Covid when I couldn't sleep, a YouTube show called No More Jockeys, with Alex Horne (from taskmaster), Tim Key and Mark Watson. It's basically three very funny friends playing a game they invented. Very silly, very funny, feels kind of like you have company because of the format. The first "set" is quite hectic as they don't really know what the rules are, from set 2 they make a bit more sense, but I think are super funny and always my go to when I need light relief!

Thank you so much for these suggestions! Very kind. Love the sound of No More Jockeys and the book podcasts.

Today I went to a bookshop and bought a book that looks great, and has nothing to do with murder 😆 Time to wean myself off the frightening stuff..

Great stuff, hope the book is good! And good luck with it x

My parents used to live in a house on an an acre and had so much glass (like seven sliding glass doors downstairs and three up on balconies plus windows). No curtains. I felt very vulnerable when staying there on my own and my mother refused to (she’d have my sister stay with her). I think I might feel the same in a country residence - do not like it. But in my city terrace? Totally fine. If I have to get up in the night I don’t turn on the lights. My youngest is at uni my son has his own place and my last dog died in January, just me and my cats most of the time. I feel completely safe.

I lived alone for years before I started living with DH, and I was fine, but now I am much more anxious about it. Eldest dc is away at uni, younger still at home. I am occasionally on my own, or more often DH is away and it’s just me and dd. I get worried about intruders, that’s my big fear, whether alone or with dd. I never worry about them if DH is here. The other night it was me here alone and although I did drop off eventually I was up until about 2 am. The following night it was me and dd, that night I did fall asleep more easily, but sometimes I worry more about intruders if she is here as I worry that she could get hurt, that I would fail to protect her.
The anxiety started when the dc were little as sometimes DH would be away for two or three nights and I was always stressed that there might be an accident eg that I might fall down the stairs holding the baby, or there would be an intruder, and I got much more worried about being alone in the house. It has never really shifted.

I would never sleep in a house like your mum’s on my own. A city terrace is perfect because you can explain away all noises, and there are people nearby if you need them.

I'm happy you are feeling able to ask for help.
I echo what other posters have said about closing your curtains and definitely don't read or watch crime/thriller programmes.
For many years, well meaning friends and family would advise me to think of something else, give myself a pep talk, but despite doing this, it never helped.
I sprinkled holy water all over my house, prayed, went to bed early, but once in bed, couldn't get up until it was light outside and for that reason, loved spring and summer and hated autumn and winter.
I couldn't even listen to the radio or watch the tv in case I missed a noise alerting me to danger, but more than that, I felt like I had to be as quiet as possible so as not to attract any attention from anything supernatural.
And like you, I was absolutely fine when there was someone else here.

One thing that helped me was when I mentioned to my neighbour that I hated being alone at night, she said 'Just remember, you are always surrounded by people, there are always people around, even in the middle of the night, and if anything were to happen, just shout and someone will hear you.'

Since she said this, I have realised that she was right. No matter what time of day or night it is, cars still drive past, people are about, life is still going on.
That made me feel better and maybe it will help you too.

I was like this if DH took DS away for half term or whatever.

-soft nightlight
-warm drink to make you drowsy
-podcast. I liked "books to bore you to sleep." They are read in a droning tone! I only remember the first few lines of "the history of cheese" 😂😂

I wonder how many people with ADHD have this problem.
I have 2 DC, my eldest is ASD and has no problems being alone at night.
My youngest is AuDHD and I was very conscious not to tell her of my fears, I have never discussed how I feel with her, yet when she explained to me how she felt being alone, it was exactly how I felt. She described perfectly exactly how I felt, without ever being told. She also believes I don't properly understand because I have never experienced it.