Was I rude for dismissing a stranger who interrupted me on the platform?

[KookyLemonReader]

About a year ago I started a new job in finance in the City which has been very intense. The previous week I have been working very intensely to meet an end of week deadline. I am contractually required to be in the office at least one day a week so on Thurs I dragged myself out to the office. In the early afternoon I was at the local tube station platform waiting for the train and on my laptop deep in work mode when I noticed someone trying to get my attention in my peripheral vision. I turned away from my laptop removed my headphones and listened to the man. He was asking me where my handbag is from. I was very irritated that he interrupted me with this when I was clearly deep in concentration and replied in a cold way ‘I am working’ and went back to my business. A few seconds later I felt bad (also this man was an ethnic minority and I’m a white woman so I worried about that) turned back to him and said I’m sorry I was a bit rude what did you ask. He again asked where my bag is from. I told him the brand (vintage Italian designer). He made some random comment like oh I can’t buy that here I guess. I didn’t engage. Went back to my work. My concentration was lost and I was very annoyed by the whole exchange but also questioning myself. Was I awful or is it fair that he should not have interrupted a clearly full of focus person with a silly question?

No, thurs.

Agree. If someone’s got headphones in you know full well they can’t hear you and will have to stop what they’re doing to take them out and answer you.

I don’t mind a bit of chit chat if bored with a stranger but certainly don’t owe anyone an interaction, nor do they owe me 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are some posters on? She had headphones on and was working on a laptop.
he was self entitled to try and talk to her about a bloody bag that let’s be honest he was never going to rush straight out and buy if she’d said ‘Zara’.

and no, northerners wouldn’t interrupt someone clearly engaged in work or whatever on laptop either.

Nasty.

I think you were a little rude, OP. The man might have wanted to buy a similar bag for his wife. Anyway, it was a while ago, wasn’t it. Try to be different in future.

Bravo

If it had been a woman doing the asking, which is probably more common regarding things like handbags, would that have been female entitlement on her part?

Im with team OP as I am quite short with random strangers who interrupt me when I am obviously busy. There is basic business etiquette that you dont interrupt a person who is obviously working. People work in all kinds of places. There is no rule about not working on the tube. He was cheeky and entitled. Would ha have interrupted a man? No.

A few weeks ago I was doing a photo shoot in the garden and a man in work clothes was trying to attract my attention. I too was wearing headphones which is a universal "busy do not interrupt" sign. When he eventually caught my eye I pointed to the camera and made a "shoo" gesture with my hand. Then I returned to the task in hand.

Ive got a few perfected hand gestures which I use to anyone approaching me when I am busy. If they persist and do not take the hint they get the finger.

i agree with this. I’m often on my laptop waiting for a tube and I wouldn’t take kindly to being interrupted and to be honest a man who interrupts someone wearing headphones and clearly focusing on something would get short shrift. I’m a Londoner though!

My husband came into my home office yesterday to show me a new coat he’d bought for DS. It was 7pm and I was trying to finish a last email so I could log off for the BN weekend. I got pretty cross about the interruption - he could see I was typing and concentrating.

I take it you aren’t rude as a general rule?

No we don't. We are much politer than that poster implies, we actually read cues or most do about whether someone wants to chat or not, headphones is a big clue the answer is no.

Rubbish. Men who go up to random female strangers with some inane question rarely have good intentions. I’ve been on the receiving end of several, including one where mid sentence he pushed me into a bush and threatened ‘grape’ me so my hackles go up pretty damn quickly.

If he wanted to buy his ‘wife’ a bag he should be more than capable of seeking one out without invading a female stranger’s space.

crikey it’s not that deep. Surely a person with a stressful job in finance who is required to navigate the public transportation system of a major city ( one day a week ) can manage a minuscule interaction with another human.

No, it really isn't.

Women are socialised to prioritise men, even in little ways, and it is really detrimental to us. It stops us being able to assert boundaries.

Women rarely want to be approached by random men in public. Its rarely fun. Its at best irritating and at worst frightening, depending on circumstances.

She was clearly not up for conversing (it doesn't matter whether she was working, watching a video, or even listening to nothing but silence - ear buds in mean people want to be left in peace and noisy adults understand that) - he was rude to make her stop what she was doing, take her ear buds out and give him her attention.

He wasnt having a crisis, didn't need help, just felt like a chat was trying to hit on her.

His want for a chat doesn't trump her want to be left alone - she's not his mummy!

When people say things like 'but he was only being friendly' it encourages women to ignore their gut feelings and submit to male attention that they don't want - which usually escalates until they have to find a way to stop it anyway (and then get called a frigid bitch, grumpy cow, lezzer, or today's insult du jour).

Not wanting male attention is a good enough reason to ignore it, women aren't obliged to give our attention to any man who demands it.

A man asking a woman where she got her bag from? Beyond rude. Personal, probing question. What is next? Where are you knickers from? Multiple times on the Tube I saw items I really really wanted to buy. I would never dare ask such a personal question from a woman, and I am a woman.

P.S. Men and female items - I absolutely hate it when men mill around female floors in shops, helping their wives choose stuff. Especially in the narrow isles/areas of female shoes sections with rarely more than several seats available. I have to control the urge to push them. What the fuck are they doing there, in female shoes/clothes sections? Actually, I am less bothered about a man in a female toilet, than by those creeps so interested in female attire that they have to hang around, like a bad smell, in women's sections. Fucking freaks. Sorry.

She did. She’s wondering if she was rude about it. Personally I wouldn’t worry about seeming rude when someone was rude to me first.

Am I alone in thinking that he wouldn’t have insisted on interrupting a man wearing headphones and working on a laptop to ask where he’d got his tie?
Entitled man demanding attention from woman. Simple, and all too common.

He couldnt read the room

You were rude 😭

But its just a london interaction, like the tube, another one will be along soon and youll have the chance to be polite

Dont worry about it

Yeah I think the question is why does it bother you a year later. You weren't being friendly but you don't have to be friendly. I am from a culture where talking to strangers is the norm but I am not like that but I can if I need to be. One of the reasons I like London is the anonymous nature of the way we live. But there are downsides to that too.

Only one person was rude in this interaction, and it wasn't the OP. I'm all for having a friendly chat with a stranger, but she was clearly busy and had headphones on - the universal signal for "I don't want people to talk to me."

No you’re not alone. He wouldn’t have asked a man about his tie or his briefcase or his shoes.

Are the posters on here who think OP should have been more friendly even women?

You were busy. No woman would have done that to a stranger.

You should try it yourself sometime!

OP, you didn’t owe this man your attention. Don’t worry about it.

Ugh, I can't stand snippy and self-important people. Not everyone in the world functions well in social situations. This guy could have set himself a goal that day to say something nice to stranger and he saw you and thought that was his moment. He may not have understood that looking at a laptop and wearing headphones means do not approach, especially on a tube platform where nobody normally unpacks their laptop and sits down to work. It would have cost nothing to say thank you, it's a vintage Italian bag. Might be hard to find.

You don't owe total strangers your time or and conversation. You were very obviously otherwise engaged yet still Random Man attempted to claim your attention as his by right. I'd have been pissed off too.

Sometimes, 'rude' is very much the appropriate response. YANBU.

Does your culture lift said stranger's headphones off for them or do you hover over them till they’ve removed said headphones? Just wondering which scenario is more acceptable in your culture?

A year ago?