Am I unreasonable for wanting more privacy and fewer updates for my mum?

[LucyLou96]

I'm 30, female, and an only child. I moved out 6 years ago and live alone. Relevant context is I'm AuDHD, my mother is an anxious person, I was previously in an abusive relationship, and I've been in a car crash which was my fault.

I have struggled to enforce boundaries with my mother since moving out, we have always been 'close', and she gets most of her socialisation from spending time with me. Lately I have been trying harder to put some distance between us, but it's causing friction.

My mother wants me to text when I'm home after every social event/activity, so she knows I get home safe, which would be fine on its own but it turns into 'Where did you go, who was there, who wasn't there, what did you do, how long were you out'. Every time. If I'm going out for the day she wants me to send a text in the morning pre-warning her, a text when I'm back, then details about what I did. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I get called 'naughty' and reminded I have work. If I do something out of the ordinary, I get questioned why I'm doing it even more. When I'm vague and say 'hanging out with friends', she presses harder, gets annoyed if I don't say specifically the names of who I've been with and calls me secretive, that I'm hiding something.

I don't have issues with the information itself if it was a phone call catching up, or visiting her and telling her about what I've been up to. It's the fact it's daily, in real time, and makes me feel like I'm being monitored by her. I cannot gloss over anything I'd rather she didn't know, because she asks daily what I've been up to.

She said if she doesn't know my whereabouts, she won't know how to get hold of me because my phone is usually on silent. And she likes to know I get home safe because I crashed my car 3 years ago.

I explored a hypothetical situation about future dating, and she said if I went on dates she'd want to know the names of who with, where, when etc, to keep me safe. I said I'd rather tell my friends this information, and she basically said she doesn't trust me or my friends to keep me safe. Asked "Since when did friends replace parents". Implied I was selfish for preferring them to worry, instead of just telling them what I'm doing.

I asked what if I wasn't going on a date, and implied a FWB situation or just hooking up. She said 'that's tarty behaviour and you should be ashamed'.

She now thinks I've basically met someone online (which happened when I was 19 so again, I get the worry) who is 'suddenly' influencing and convincing me to withhold information from her.

I feel stuck. I'm 30, I haven't explored dating since my ex all that much, but I don't want to have to essentially tell my mother any possible date I go on, any possible time I plan to sleep with someone, or anything of that nature. I understand they worry a lot, which makes me feel guilty for wanting something that will cause them distress.

I'd like parents opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to not disclose this information.

Just don’t tell her then.

YANBU at all.

She can not force you to give her any information. If you do... then that's your own decision.

Don't tell her when you have plans... just give the impression that you're home straight from work everyday.

Do you physically speak everyday? If so that needs reducing too.

My DM would put her worries/fears etc onto me...like yours is doing. I don't tell her anything now.

I mean you don't have to tell her you can say ill talk to you tomorrow or whatever, if she asks about your activities. You .don't have to talk to her about your sex life either, My Dds are 28 and over. I only know what they tell me and it is usually after they have met their friends or gone out.

It sounds like your mum could be neurodivergent too as it’s often genetic.

Stop telling her so much. Sharing details of your life is fuelling her to act like this and it must be unbearable for you. You can not n a grown adult with your mum holding your back like this. Bad stuff like being dumped could happen but that is how life is and it’s better to go through experiences like that rather than being too scared to live.

I feel your pain!! My MIL is like this, wants a phone call when we get somewhere and another when we get home. My DH is 60 next year!! I’ve told my DH just not to tell her anymore when we go out for the day or on holiday because it just feeds her anxiety. It used to be awful when he was driving for a living, she would call at 4.30 everyday to make sure he was home, took me weeks of telling her he didn’t finish until later that she stopped doing it. Life is so much better now because she doesn’t know our every move. Just don’t tell her.

We text daily. She says goodnight to me via text every night. If I don't reply back she'll sort of guilt trip me the next day for it

Your mum is intrusive and inappropriate. Her expectations are ludicrous. You are enabling her anxiety by pandering to her demands. I would write or text her that you simply won't be doing any of this any more. You should decide what's a realistic amount of contact for you and tell her that's what will be happening going forwards. Be really clear, for example I will have one phone call with you ar the weekend and have brief text contact twice a week. She will spiral, but you need to ignore her and let her know she needs to seek help with her anxiety. It's the job of a parent to support their adult children to fledge and survive on their own in the world. Your mum has failed spectacularly at this.

My mum was like that. I moved to a rural area which has VERY poor mobile reception which meant I couldn’t contact her every day. I would tell small lies especially when she asked intrusive questions and don’t feel bad about it. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.

If I tell her less she just keeps pressing me for information and calls me secretive for not giving in and telling her specifics.

She has mental health issues herself as she's on mood stabilisers but has never said specifically what issues she has

It sounds as if you need to break the habit you are in of telling your mum everything. Stop with all the details, don’t discuss scenarios and ‘what ifs’. Close down any conversation that takes you where you don’t want to go.

I would stop with the ‘safe home’ texts too, you are 30 not a child who needs monitoring.

Of course your mum won’t be happy at first but stick to your guns and she will have to get used to it.

When I've said things like 'I don't need to tell you when I get home every time after I go to a regular hobby' or 'I don't need to list names of everyone I was with' she says things like 'If you don't want us to care then fine we won't'

One time I didn't text her I got home and she woke up early and saw there was still no text from me, she said she couldn't get back to sleep properly and had nightmares I'd gotten into a car crash

Telling her because she pressures you makes things worse OP. I understand why you cave in but how is she finding out stuff like you’re dating? Many people go through this when their kids are teens and want more privacy.

If you know she likes a good night text then I would oblige with that one especially if it’s at the same time every day so you can set an alarm and just send something but your current situation will be making both of your mental health worse.

Texting her 'I'm off to bed now, night Mum' every evening might mean a lot to her without being too bad for you? You need not wait for her to initiate the good night message.

You need to put your mother on an information diet and not indulge her. She is treating you like a child instead of the grown woman you are.

Mine is a bit like this too. I'll text her when I get home from a business trip or from overseas travel but not keep her updated on my whereabouts otherwise. My DSis and I update her after things have happened, not before, otherwise we get the 20 questions treatment.

Put her on mute and reply to messages on your timetable, not hers. She will probably intensify them at the outset but she will learn. And don't feel guilty!

a proper conversation will have to be had between the two of you. Your mother needs to to hear about CBT therapy and the two of you can support each other in weaning of the anxious attachment.
obviously your mother is very anxious about you and that looks like being ‘ controlling’ via her need for so much reassurance about you. She’s going to have to learn self soothing and not believing her own thoughts, and start to see that trusting you are ok each day, is a growth step.
it’s sounds quite suffocating for you, only you can decide how much texting you are happy with.. and you are going to have to be brave and have a grown up,conversation with her in which you put your cards in the table. Good luck with it. I believe you can get this situation to a modified place where you will both be happy.

I mean you can text goodnight without getting into conversation, you don't need to wait on her.

The thing is with anxiety is that, the more you give her, the more she will ask for an need - there is no end to it and it actually regenerates the downward spiral of the anxiety.

So if it helps you to reframe stepping back, you can tell yourself that the current situation is not only damaging to you but also to her.

I would be very clear with her that the current situation is unsustainable, make it clear that you will be taking a massive step back with communicating and encourage her to get professional help for anxiety.

This will go on for as long as you allow it to.

Tell her that you will no longer be giving her every detail of your life and if she wants to throw her toys out of the pram about it then she's welcome to do that.

I can see this from both sides. As a mother you never stop worrying about your children no matter how old they are.

My daughter always texts me to let me know that her and her husband have arrived on holiday. It's not a long text, just we're here now and I usually acknowledge the text and that's it. My son does the same.

Why would anyone have a problem with that. It's letting people know where you are for safety reasons.

I agree that you need to stop giving her so much detailed information. It is not helping you and it is feeding into your mum's anxiety. If she says things like "if you don't want us to care we won't" then I simply wouldn't respond to petulant messages like that. She's an adult, not a teenager.....and so are you.

I sympathise because my mum is very similar in some regards. She has very bad anxiety and has since we were children. When my brother and sisters and I became teenagers and were able to drive we were forbidden from ever all being in the same car. My mum said she would be too anxious that all of her children would be killed in a car crash.

I have learned to only tell her a limited amount and we have a weekly phone call where we catch up. I didn't even tell her when I went into labour with my DDs as I knew she'd stay up all night and would be hassling DH for updates. I didn't want to be worrying about my mum feeling anxious when I had more important things to think about so called her when it was done and DDs had arrived.

This sounds awful and she needs to give you more independence. You no longer need "looking after". And just because you were in a car accident 3 years ago it doesn't mean you'll have another and knowing where you are and who you are with won't prevent an accident!

I think as others have suggested, you will have to reduce your contact and ignore the guilt tripping. No more daily good night texts. I was in a similar position and I just couldn't be what they wanted me to be so I had to back off, I still get the slightly guilt trippy comments "we don't hear from you enough", etc etc but I just can't do it, for the sake of my own sanity.

I do agree with others about having a proper conversation but that will be tricky. Her expectations are so unreasonable but she won't see it. You may have to agree to disagree, you'll never give her the level of contact/information she desires. I hope one day you can have a weekly catch up just sharing the interesting things that have happened, rather than you having to report your movements and explain yourself!

This is a her problem.

I get it's difficult to say no to parents like this, but everyone on this thread is saying it's OK to do so.

My daughter is 24, lives with flatmates in London. I have no idea where she is most of the time, and it's no longer my role to track her movements. She's an adult. I've taught her to keep herself safe, so now I have to trust she can.

She calls me 3/4 times a week, we text most days, but it's never checking in - she sends me pics of her sourdough and I send her pics of the dog that replaced her as the object of my adoration (which is a joke between us)

Your mother's behaviour is unhealthy. You don't have to pander to her. Start small by delaying replying to a text, and when she questions you - don't answer. It'll feel wrong and difficult, but it's ok.

Op, what is the worst that could happen?

For example, say you mute your mother's text messages, or if they are via Whatsapp, I would recommend archiving them. I do this with my ex husband so I only go into my archived messages and read what he's sent when I'm mentally in a good space to deal with whatever might be there.

What would be the worst that could happen if you started texting your mother a normal amount? Do you think she would escalate to coming to your house/flat? Does she have a key? What does a healthy relationship with your mum look like, or what do you want to get to?

Please be cautious of posters who advocate for 'meeting your mum halfway'. They rarely understand toxic behaviour. Meeting someone halfway when they are completely unreasonable, is never a good move. None of this is good for your mum, or for you.