Am I unreasonable for wanting more privacy and fewer updates for my mum?

[LucyLou96]

I'm 30, female, and an only child. I moved out 6 years ago and live alone. Relevant context is I'm AuDHD, my mother is an anxious person, I was previously in an abusive relationship, and I've been in a car crash which was my fault.

I have struggled to enforce boundaries with my mother since moving out, we have always been 'close', and she gets most of her socialisation from spending time with me. Lately I have been trying harder to put some distance between us, but it's causing friction.

My mother wants me to text when I'm home after every social event/activity, so she knows I get home safe, which would be fine on its own but it turns into 'Where did you go, who was there, who wasn't there, what did you do, how long were you out'. Every time. If I'm going out for the day she wants me to send a text in the morning pre-warning her, a text when I'm back, then details about what I did. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I get called 'naughty' and reminded I have work. If I do something out of the ordinary, I get questioned why I'm doing it even more. When I'm vague and say 'hanging out with friends', she presses harder, gets annoyed if I don't say specifically the names of who I've been with and calls me secretive, that I'm hiding something.

I don't have issues with the information itself if it was a phone call catching up, or visiting her and telling her about what I've been up to. It's the fact it's daily, in real time, and makes me feel like I'm being monitored by her. I cannot gloss over anything I'd rather she didn't know, because she asks daily what I've been up to.

She said if she doesn't know my whereabouts, she won't know how to get hold of me because my phone is usually on silent. And she likes to know I get home safe because I crashed my car 3 years ago.

I explored a hypothetical situation about future dating, and she said if I went on dates she'd want to know the names of who with, where, when etc, to keep me safe. I said I'd rather tell my friends this information, and she basically said she doesn't trust me or my friends to keep me safe. Asked "Since when did friends replace parents". Implied I was selfish for preferring them to worry, instead of just telling them what I'm doing.

I asked what if I wasn't going on a date, and implied a FWB situation or just hooking up. She said 'that's tarty behaviour and you should be ashamed'.

She now thinks I've basically met someone online (which happened when I was 19 so again, I get the worry) who is 'suddenly' influencing and convincing me to withhold information from her.

I feel stuck. I'm 30, I haven't explored dating since my ex all that much, but I don't want to have to essentially tell my mother any possible date I go on, any possible time I plan to sleep with someone, or anything of that nature. I understand they worry a lot, which makes me feel guilty for wanting something that will cause them distress.

I'd like parents opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to not disclose this information.

@LucyLou96 Wow. Just wow. She is incredibly controlling and obsessive. She doesn't trust you to be able to look after yourself in any way whatsoever, does she? And there's also this coercive element that 'she can't sleep' or she's 'worried about you' all the time, so you have to do what she says otherwise you are making her suffer. That is not normal behaviour for someone whose adult offpsring is 30. She has some serious mental health issues going on.

"If I don't reply back she'll sort of guilt trip me the next day for it"

Can I just point out that you are volunteering to go on that guilt trip. How you feel is under your control, you just haven't had any practice in doing it yet.

She is manipulating you into feeling guilty for not doing something that is wholly unreasonable of her to expect in the first place. So when she tries to guilt trip you, don't go on that trip. Don't allow her to make you feel guilty, when there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

you need to break the cycle so I would say that your phone is playing up so is going in to be looked at and it will take a day or so and then she cannot contact you for a few days. It might give you a break. Then very short replies. So just home, getting in shower text tomorrow and stop the night texts. She will get used to it.

You want things to change.
She is not going to help you do that.

I think you have to decide to weather her manipulation & reduce contact - I fully appreciate how hard this will be, I’ve witnessed similar.

I think you’ll probably need external support to do it - a counsellor or therapist to talk it over with. It will help you process the change and stop absorbing your mother’s emotions.

The current situation doesn’t benefit you and I doubt it benefits your mother either. You can still have a close living relationship but on that relies less on demands.

I know I need to put some real distance between us emotionally, but it's incredibly hard especially being an only child.

I went on a date a while ago for the day, kept my phone on flight mode most of the time to save battery, and when I checked it I had missed calls, messages on 3 different apps, passive aggressive texts about how I was ignoring her and 'good job it wasn't an emergency', then intense questioning about what I was doing

If I don't tell her what I'm doing, and end up not messaging her all day because I'm busy, then lie pretending I was just at home all day, she questions what I've been up to and will ask specifically what I spent all day at home doing. E.g. if I say 'gaming' it'll be 'which game'. Which means more lying.

Another situation which happened recently, to cut a very long story short, I went to a third world country for work for the first time last year, my dad freaked out, wanted to call my CEO to hear first hand reassurance I wouldn't die out there. I said no. He did it anyway behind my back. They lied about it for a year and pretended he hadn't done it. I recently found out he had and that he belives I don't understand how disabled and challenged I am. I haven't seen them for 3 weeks because of that and my mother's attitudes about privacy. And when I told my mother I'm not visiting this weekend because of that, I am being accused of punishing them

It's so hard to advise partly because we don't know the extent of your ASD. My younger brother has autism and although he has a part time job and goes out on his own, he has zero street smarts, so I do worry about him getting home safe when he leaves my house etc. I would also worry someone was influencing him if he suddenly didn't want to tell me anything.

However, your mum sounds very anxious on top of that. And the fact that she doesn't have a social life outside of you means she's hyper focused on your every move.

This is obviously too much, and it's not helping your mum either. Start keeping it short and sweet and as pp said, set the boundaries - "I'll text you tomorrow," when you want to call it a day.

And stop telling her so much about your comings and goings! Ignorance is bliss, don't give her anything to dwell on. If you're going somewhere you're feeling a bit anxious about, tell a friend where you'll be. Take the pressure off your mum.

ETA - just seen your dad's as bad as your mum. They need a new hobby, don't give them the info they're enjoying fretting about.

That's so shocking about your dad contacting your workplace OP. I would have gone absolutely ballistic. Yes, take some space from them. If they feel they're being punished, so be it. They are harassing you.

'Disabled and challenged' - this is in relation to the AuDHD diagnosis/diagnoses?!
But surely you live independently and work and travel etc? Wtf?

he belives I don't understand how disabled and challenged I am

This sounds more than suffocating, I'm shocked any parent would do that to an adult child. If any parent of one of my team called me I would refuse to speak to them and I would immediate tell my employee.

I don't think there is an easy way forward here. You will need to reduce contact and ignore questions you don't want to answer or come up with a stock phrase you say on repeat "you don't need to know" "that's irrelevant" "if you keep asking I'm going to hang up". It will be painful at first.

Another poster shared the discussion she has with her child, a normal healthy discussion is not 20 questions about what you were doing, where did you, at what time, who with and why.

It could be because you’re ND and she’s extra anxious about you, I know ND women in particular complain often about being infantilised- is she guilty of this? Also could just be mental illness. My grandma is like this with my dad and uncle still and they are almost 60. To be honest she gets like this with me too, she thinks I’ll get raped constantly because I work in a big city. Definitely 100% severe anxiety issues and your mum could be the same.

Did she ever lose a child as well? In pregnancy or otherwise. I ask because my Gran had a stillbirth before my dad and uncle were born and I think that has made her anxiety a billion times worse.

Your parents (especially your mother) are abusive. They are incredibly controlling and manipulative, and seek to punish you if you step out of line. Being their only offspring DOES NOT put you under any obligation to live your life the way they want you to live it. Nor does it make you responsible for them in any way whatsoever.

You need to stop playing their ridiculous mind games. Let them scream the place down in a toddler tantrum if they want to.

You do not owe them anything.

Look up something called F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) and see if that resonates with you.

This is crazy OP. I mean even at 16 I had more privacy than you seem to have. You are not responsable for her mental health! She's feeding her anxiety by being controlling. You need to put a stop to this.

Tell her that you will talk to her once a week and that if she doesn't respect your boundaries you will hang up on her. And do it. Normally children start pushing back on parents involvement in their teenage years. Even my DS12 has a right to privacy- he doesn't have to tell me every single thing and I don't press him unless I can see that something is bothering him. Your mum hasn't let you become a real adult because she wants to control you. Lack of control is what gets her anxiety up. But she needs to work on herself because right now what she's doing is undermining your selfesteem. You don't feel like an adult when you are under obligation to report back to mum. And she's guilttripping you about it so it's hard for you to push back. Maybe talk to a therapist who can help you push back. Because it's a very unhealthy dynamic going on in your relationship with your mum. I felt oppressed just reading your poster.

"If I don't tell her what I'm doing, and end up not messaging her all day because I'm busy, then lie pretending I was just at home all day, she questions what I've been up to and will ask specifically what I spent all day at home doing. E.g. if I say 'gaming' it'll be 'which game'. Which means more lying."

@LucyLou96 What would happen if you said: "Please stop interrogating me mother, I'm fed up with your constant questions."?

Would it work for you to say that you will speak to them on a particular time and day each week, and that otherwise you will not be responding to messages? It sounds like you need to take control and set some very firm boundaries. It also sounds like your father is trying to exert control over you by making you doubt your abilities. A really big step and talking once a month might work even better for you. They’ll hate it, but you can do it if you want to.

"I am being accused of punishing them"

So tell them that yes, you are furious and you expect an apology, and you won't visit them until you get one. Your dad was completely in the wrong for phoning your work like that.

Say you are having a phone detox for a month but you'll check in once a week.

Absolutely. Half a bucket of poison will still make you ill.

This is all about what SHE wants. There's nothing about what YOU want or what is healthy for both of you.
Her insistence on knowing every detail of her 30 year old daughter's life is abnormal and extreme. She hasn't done what parents of adults should do, which is pull back and let you live your life. My kids are younger than you and I wouldn't dream of being so intrusive and suffocating. They wouldn't stand for it either.
You sound frightened of saying no to her, which is understandable when you've been doing what she wants for so long. What's the worst thing that can happen if you stop obeying her and instead tell her what you want to, when you want to? She'll get grumpy, try to guilt trip you, but you can learn to ignore that. Reducing contact will do both of you a lot of good.
She can't have much of a life of her own if she's monitoring you constantly and wanting so much communication every day. It's sad, but not your fault, and you're not obliged to comply. There's no way this ridiculous behaviour is making her happy.

This sounds incredibly intrusive, you are a grown adult and if you want to go out and get laid that is your business. You shouldn't have to tell anyone you dont want or be judged for it.. you're a free woman!

This sounds not healthy at all and quite difficult to change as it’s ingrained behaviour.

You need to see yourself as an autonomous adult. You do not have to message your whereabouts at all. You are a free person and are allowed to make your own decisions.

To break free from your parents, you will have to make tough decisions going forward.
Your parents won’t agree with it and will try to make you feel wrong/guilty etc.

You might want to consider seeking help with this process as you will need reassurance from someone you are doing the right thing (to balance out your parents telling you the opposite)

But, the fact your dad called your workplace behind your back is such a red flag - they don’t see you as a capable adult and the change in this attitude will have to be forced by you as it will not come from them.

Good luck - the effort will be worth it 😊

"she says things like 'If you don't want us to care then fine we won't'"

Next time she says that you should reply thanks mum, that would be great. I appreciate it. It will take a lot of pressure off me.

My mum was like this. Difference is, I was 18. It was exhausting. In the end I engineered a "falling out" then left home for a live in job 200 miles away. It was the best thing I ever did. She was abusive.

Just say no. It's surprisingly easy once you get going. No. No. No. sorry that doesn't work for me. No. No. No. no.

This is actually emotional abuse and coercive control. I cannot believe your dad phoned your CEO!! It’s only going to get worse, just imagine if you had a baby!! You need to distance yourself and if necessary put in writing that you will only call once a week on a Sunday (if you are not away) and will only visit once a month (if you are not away). There are to be no more texts or messages via any medium. If they don’t stop you will need to take legal advice. Let them sulk!

If you are so disabled and unable to look after yourself as your dad says, how come you’ve managed to live independently for 6 years and have a job responsible enough where you are sent to a third world country?!

You are not responsible for their control issues!

I think your mum has a bit of a control problem, I further think she needs some therapy for it..
It’s her problem not your problem and frankly she sounds a bit unhinged.
There comes a time when you have to trust you’ve done a good job raising your kids and let them live their adult lives.
I think you have to do the hard thing and tell her no more, and to sort herself out.

My mum is a very anxious person and my brother calls every night for a check in but I call once a week and text if we have news but some weeks there are no texts and some lots of texts - just to show that even though she has expectations you do not have to live up to those - tell her you feel you need to “grow up” or use another phrase - and say you will call once a week for a good chat and text if there is big news but not otherwise and that her needing more is not showing how much she cares (as she puts it) but smothering you and preventing you from ‘adulting’ as you should be at age 30 - if she persists tell her that her needs do not trump your needs