Am I unreasonable for wanting more privacy and fewer updates for my mum?

[LucyLou96]

I'm 30, female, and an only child. I moved out 6 years ago and live alone. Relevant context is I'm AuDHD, my mother is an anxious person, I was previously in an abusive relationship, and I've been in a car crash which was my fault.

I have struggled to enforce boundaries with my mother since moving out, we have always been 'close', and she gets most of her socialisation from spending time with me. Lately I have been trying harder to put some distance between us, but it's causing friction.

My mother wants me to text when I'm home after every social event/activity, so she knows I get home safe, which would be fine on its own but it turns into 'Where did you go, who was there, who wasn't there, what did you do, how long were you out'. Every time. If I'm going out for the day she wants me to send a text in the morning pre-warning her, a text when I'm back, then details about what I did. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I get called 'naughty' and reminded I have work. If I do something out of the ordinary, I get questioned why I'm doing it even more. When I'm vague and say 'hanging out with friends', she presses harder, gets annoyed if I don't say specifically the names of who I've been with and calls me secretive, that I'm hiding something.

I don't have issues with the information itself if it was a phone call catching up, or visiting her and telling her about what I've been up to. It's the fact it's daily, in real time, and makes me feel like I'm being monitored by her. I cannot gloss over anything I'd rather she didn't know, because she asks daily what I've been up to.

She said if she doesn't know my whereabouts, she won't know how to get hold of me because my phone is usually on silent. And she likes to know I get home safe because I crashed my car 3 years ago.

I explored a hypothetical situation about future dating, and she said if I went on dates she'd want to know the names of who with, where, when etc, to keep me safe. I said I'd rather tell my friends this information, and she basically said she doesn't trust me or my friends to keep me safe. Asked "Since when did friends replace parents". Implied I was selfish for preferring them to worry, instead of just telling them what I'm doing.

I asked what if I wasn't going on a date, and implied a FWB situation or just hooking up. She said 'that's tarty behaviour and you should be ashamed'.

She now thinks I've basically met someone online (which happened when I was 19 so again, I get the worry) who is 'suddenly' influencing and convincing me to withhold information from her.

I feel stuck. I'm 30, I haven't explored dating since my ex all that much, but I don't want to have to essentially tell my mother any possible date I go on, any possible time I plan to sleep with someone, or anything of that nature. I understand they worry a lot, which makes me feel guilty for wanting something that will cause them distress.

I'd like parents opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to not disclose this information.

It’s the anxiety that’s leading her to guilt trip. This is something I’m guilty of (although not to this degree!) with my late teens / early twenties children. However, they call me out on it and do actually make me tackle that anxiety head on. I’m aware it’s my problem to sort. My issue is that there was a very serious accident that one of my children got in to that was life changing and I didn’t know about it for a good few hours. So now they are out and about again, it’s really challenging for your head not to go to that place. But the reality is - most of the time even if you knew as a parent about that ‘worst case’ happening, there’s nothing you could do to change it. I couldn’t stop the accident from happening and I couldn’t change the outcome. Sometimes that’s even harder to learn as a parent.
I think you need to talk to her and explain that you love them very much and you know it comes from a place of love but it’s too much and you can’t keep doing it because it’s affecting your mental health as well. Tell her what you will do and set the boundary. Then ignore her pushing further, she will adapt. Or perhaps ask her what her worst case scenario is? Ask her if knowing where you were would stop that etc. It may help her to talk it out.

It isn’t ‘for safety reasons’ though. Your dd telling you where they are doesn’t increase safety. It just accommodates your anxiety. She’s no safer because you know where she is. It’s a bit controlling!

That’s just ridiculously excessive and stifling! Just give her radio silence when you don’t want to reply and don’t tell her you are going out anymore, it’s not fair, you need to be able to live your life, she will try to guilt trip you but stick to your guns. If you want a FWB then go do it girl! Do not let her mother you in this way until you are 60!

You need to wean her off this behaviour, OP. Stop telling her everything! Why does she know that you're going out? Why does she know when you have a date? Cut down on the number of phone calls, and be very selective about the information you share. You are a mature, competent adult and you are entitled to a private life. If your mother is anxious, that's her problem and it's not your job to fix it.

So let her guilt trip you! Just switch off your phone - she'll get the message eventually.

This is pure manipulation. Even I'm feeling frustrated reading this! Just stop giving in to her!!

The more you write the more batshit crazy they BOTH seem (not just your mum, dad is worse?).
You need to lay down the law and if they don’t like it then they will ultimately push you away completely

There's no safety reason here at all. People arrive safely - that's the norm. In the vanishingly unlikely event there was a problem, you would be informed. No adult needs to know where another adult is at all times.

Are there cultural reasons your parents are this bad?
OP, I hope this thread shows you just what a toxic and extreme situation you are in.
why don’t you start setting some boundaries right from today. Send a text to your Mum this morning that you have a busy day so won’t message until this evening then put their messages on silent.
One day at a time.

It’s been a few days. Thank you to everyone who’s commented, it really helps to hear I’m not going crazy or a ‘bad daughter’ for feeling the way I do.

I went ahead with plans with friends over the bank holiday and had minimal contact with my mother throughout that day. The next day, as I do still want to share some parts of my life with her, I willingly gave her some info and sent a couple of photographs. It led to more questioning, but what did I expect. E.g. why didn’t certain people go, what clothes (and bra) did I wear, why was my arm around one friend when I never pose like that with my BFF, did I go to X, Y or Z, what time did I get back etc.

As for my ASD, I mask heavily and live a very independent life. The main area I struggle with is social skills, I come across as shy until you get to know me.

I think my mother has severe anxiety issues, and projects a lot onto me. She’s never lost a child, but did lose her mother in her early 30s. They were very close, and according to other relatives my mother hasn’t been quite the same since. I don’t know how to get my mother to work on herself, she’s been depressed for a very long time but has never really had therapy, she seems to prefer to use medication to treat it.

When I moved out I went to live with my then boyfriend. There were many arguments about how it was ‘far away’ (90 minutes), what if there was an emergency, how would they see me, what about them etc. I had to video call her every night to say goodnight, and after a couple of months of that when I pushed back on doing it she got very upset about how I wasn’t considering her feelings. Lockdown forced them to get used to not seeing me, but I wonder if they felt more settled with me being away because they knew I wasn’t alone. They knew who my ex was, he was becoming part of the family. But now I live alone, and am more independent than I’ve ever been before.

As for saying no to her, I worry if I say no too much, it will lead to a significant rift between us which isn’t something I want. She once didn’t speak to my grandad (her dad) for several months after a falling out. I’m not close to the rest of my family, so if something like that happened with her I would have only one family member I could contact.

Things have settled between us, but she’s already returned to telling me ‘text when back’ when she knows I’m out.

I’m going to visit them this weekend, but no doubt there will be an argument as I need to confront my dad face to face about him calling my CEO.

My dad is also autistic, and my mother tried to say I should have sympathy for my dad contacting my CEO, because ‘autism makes people do things that others might not normally do’. My dad feels that anyone with autism is inherently challenged like he is, and can’t see how autism affects people in different ways.

For more details surrounding that, I specifically told him not to call my CEO. I told him how embarrassed it would make me, how it would undermine my professionalism, and threatened to resign out of embarrassment if he did it. He became so anxious he went to his GP and was prescribed tranquilisers.

He also contacted a legal advisor at his own workplace to discuss my trip, told the legal advisor I’m autistic, and this individual told my dad that he was ‘within his rights as a parent’ to contact my CEO. So I arranged a joint session with my therapist so he could explore his anxiety and hear a mental health professional’s POV. The day before the therapy session, my dad called my CEO. He confessed what he did to my mom. They both agreed not to tell me.

My dad then went to the therapy session and spent an hour lying to me and my therapist, talking about this hypothetical call he ‘might’ make to hear reassurance I’d be safe, despite the fact he’d already done it. He specifically said ‘If I do do anything, and I probably won't do it, but if I do do it, it would be for her own wellbeing’.

I do not know how to deal with this situation either, when my mother knows what he did was wrong and was angry with him, but says things like ‘what’s done is done’ and ‘you have to learn to deal with it as you can’t change the past’.

I would tell your dad that if he EVER contacts your workplace again, or indeed oversteps in any other significant way, you will report him to the police for harassment and cut all contact with him. Please ignore your mum's attempt to resume the daily checking. I agree with others, OP. Your parents are abusive. I'm glad you've taken some steps already.

Your parents are wildly inappropriate and come across completely obsessed with you! Do they have lives of their own outside of their monitoring you?

People have gone no contact for far less than this

OP this is an insane level of overreach and intrusion into your life. Emotional abuse levels of insane.

Unfortunately, the only way out is through: you're going to have to be okay with them being upset, guilt tripping, etc when you stop giving them updates. You have to resist the urge to explain yourself (you don't need to! You're an adult) or get into a discussion about whether you love them/whether you care. Just: I'm an adult, you don't need so much detail about my life, I love you, I'll ring you at the weekend/next week/whenever.

They will sulk, they will guilt trip, they will pull stunts like making up emergencies or illnesses or intensifying their intrusions, they will act as though you are cruel or sneaky or uncaring. None of that matters: you are being monitored like a caged animal and that is not normal, and you don't have to put up with it. Don't get into arguing it with them - set a clear boundary (I'll ring you on Wednesdays and Fridays, or whatever) and then refuse to go back and forth about it.

It will be uncomfortable for you at first, because they are choosing to make it uncomfortable as a method of control. Don't let them.

Your latest update is shocking OP.

You sound like a capable adult, yes you have challenges but you seem to manage them well. Your mum and dad are really infantilising you. I think you arranging for a therapy appt with your dad to talk about the issue was a really considered way to deal with it. However you are not dealing with considerate people.

What your parents did is deeply inappropriate (calling your CEO after agreeing not to and lying to you). "It's just the way he is" is not an excuse for harassment. And that is what your dad did. It is harassment, it is bullying and undermining behaviour. It is is still harassment and bullying from an autistic person.

I don't know where you go from here but I suspect this will end with you going non contact.

You will try and moderate, compromise, talk but they won't listen. It's their way or the highway. They will use every trick in the book to get you to comply.

Your parents are blighting your life, OP.

You must reclaim it for yourself. It will be hard, but not impossible. More therapy is urgently needed - you have little hope of changing such damaged and abusive people, but you can make changes in yourself.

I really wish you all the best.

Remember that you have a lifetime of training to unravel. Your parents started all this nonsense from the moment you were born, so of course it’s going to be hard.
Maybe see your therapist for a plan to create a lot or a little more privacy in your life so you have a virtual handhold as it were while you are doing this difficult thing.
What they are doing is completely unacceptable; how they manage their anxiety/autism/mania/looney tunes is not your responsibility.

Ignore it. Stop apologising. Stop responding to every single message. You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her.

When she says "You know how much I worry" say "No news is good news Mum". When she probes for details of who you were with just say "No one you know Mum" and change the subject / ask her a question.

You don't actually have to reply at all.

You can tell her that you've been out, had a great time and home now if you want but when the other questions come just ignore them.

Even if she starts having a go at you, just ignore.

If your dad has issues too, it sounds as though they could be feeding off each other’s anxiousness - what a mess. It almost sounds like a full time job just managing your communication with them.

As others have said, the only way to manage this is to set firm boundaries. You have to decide what you think is an acceptable level of contact and then stick to that. If you have to, write down the new ‘rules’ so they understand what you will and won’t do. Easier said than done, I know! But their behaviour is extremely intrusive and actually their desire to know every little detail is likely only making the anxiety monster worse - the more they feed it with information, the more it demands to know.

No absolutely not! You need to have a conversation and tell her she’s making you feel stifled and she’s way too involved in the details of your life and your 30 years old and it’s time for you to gain independence you will let your friends know if your going somewhere but your not going to keep up with daily updates on what your doing with her anymore! You will visit on … day and call her … day if she asks intrusive questions then grey rock her and tell her you have another call /delivery/ got to let the cat out you will see her Sunday. Or your phones out of signal been playing up text you tomorrow.
As for your sex life refuse to discuss it with her at all it’s absolutely none of her business.

In your position I would tell your parents it is too much for you and you are no longer willing to give them a running commentary on your life. You can use them calling your boss as the final straw. I’d say I will call you once a week on Sundays and we can catch up and that is it. (Or whatever timeline you want). Ignore any guilt tripping or threats ‘If you don't want us to care then fine we won't’ - great, talk to you on Sunday!
Then STICK TO IT. Initially it will get a lot worse before it gets better - the texting, guilt tripping, threats etc will be off the charts. Just ignore it all (muting helps), don’t pick up their calls and call on Sunday as promised (or pick up their call on Sunday). Eventually, they will learn.

My DC are a similar age to you. They are very close to each other so will check in on the family WhatsApp when they are travelling. Just a quick "about to board the plane" or "arrived at the Airbnb, heading out to find some food." I will join in with this but not get stressed.

There's usually a bit of chat most days but never any pressure. We are all busy and know that we do not want the extra pressure of an inquisition.

OP, you will have to sort this out sooner rather than later. Your mother needs help for her anxiety and over dependence on you.

You are still pandering to your parents, OP. Why did you send photos of your day out? If they keep asking about it, you just say "I had a lovely time, thanks" and then no more replies. That's ample.
They have no right to ANY information about your life. Perhaps you have to say that to them, so that they understand that you are already meeting them more than halfway. Maybe a few months of no contact would be beneficial and healthy for all of you, tbh - you have friends, so you don't need constant contact with your parents.

The business with your Dad and the CEO is ridiculous. That would be inappropriate even if you were 18. As others have said, you need to seriously reduce contact and tell them to get help.

If necessary, write out your boundaries, eg two calls a week, one short text in the evening, and stick it somewhere you'll see it all the time. Don't let yourself be pulled back in.

Honestly, I think I gave my three year olds more privacy.

That is an issue for her to overcome. She can’t be controlling and dominating over your life just because she worries.

“Mum, I am no longer going to be texting you every morning/night. I am no longer going to be telling you my whereabouts at all times. These are my boundaries and you must respect them.”

She isn’t going to cut you off or stop caring completely - if she does, or threatens to, then I think you need to reevaluate whether this was always more for her rather than being done out of love and care for you.