Am I unreasonable for wanting more privacy and fewer updates for my mum?

[LucyLou96]

I'm 30, female, and an only child. I moved out 6 years ago and live alone. Relevant context is I'm AuDHD, my mother is an anxious person, I was previously in an abusive relationship, and I've been in a car crash which was my fault.

I have struggled to enforce boundaries with my mother since moving out, we have always been 'close', and she gets most of her socialisation from spending time with me. Lately I have been trying harder to put some distance between us, but it's causing friction.

My mother wants me to text when I'm home after every social event/activity, so she knows I get home safe, which would be fine on its own but it turns into 'Where did you go, who was there, who wasn't there, what did you do, how long were you out'. Every time. If I'm going out for the day she wants me to send a text in the morning pre-warning her, a text when I'm back, then details about what I did. If I'm out late on a weeknight, I get called 'naughty' and reminded I have work. If I do something out of the ordinary, I get questioned why I'm doing it even more. When I'm vague and say 'hanging out with friends', she presses harder, gets annoyed if I don't say specifically the names of who I've been with and calls me secretive, that I'm hiding something.

I don't have issues with the information itself if it was a phone call catching up, or visiting her and telling her about what I've been up to. It's the fact it's daily, in real time, and makes me feel like I'm being monitored by her. I cannot gloss over anything I'd rather she didn't know, because she asks daily what I've been up to.

She said if she doesn't know my whereabouts, she won't know how to get hold of me because my phone is usually on silent. And she likes to know I get home safe because I crashed my car 3 years ago.

I explored a hypothetical situation about future dating, and she said if I went on dates she'd want to know the names of who with, where, when etc, to keep me safe. I said I'd rather tell my friends this information, and she basically said she doesn't trust me or my friends to keep me safe. Asked "Since when did friends replace parents". Implied I was selfish for preferring them to worry, instead of just telling them what I'm doing.

I asked what if I wasn't going on a date, and implied a FWB situation or just hooking up. She said 'that's tarty behaviour and you should be ashamed'.

She now thinks I've basically met someone online (which happened when I was 19 so again, I get the worry) who is 'suddenly' influencing and convincing me to withhold information from her.

I feel stuck. I'm 30, I haven't explored dating since my ex all that much, but I don't want to have to essentially tell my mother any possible date I go on, any possible time I plan to sleep with someone, or anything of that nature. I understand they worry a lot, which makes me feel guilty for wanting something that will cause them distress.

I'd like parents opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to not disclose this information.

The ceo stuff is terrible I would tell them both how they are being intrusive and ask for space if they refuse then tell them you will not be continuing to be treated like this and if they persist you will be forced to go no contact with them until they get counselling for there control issues.

What legal advisor suggests someone is ‘within their rights as a parent’ when their child is an adult in their 30s?! I’m suspicious that line was absolute bullshit and your dad just made it up - “see, legal said it was ok so that’s what I did”

As the dad is also autistic, does someone also need to phone his boss? It's absolutely crazy. There is no way the dad received legal advice supporting that. It's more likely he was warned that his intended actions constituted harassment.

My thoughts. You are 30, not 13 and it’s time for both you and your mother to start acting accordingly.

You not to start taking control and putting yourself first. You’re unlikely to be able change your Ms behaviour, but you can change yours.

In your shoes, I would begin by telling your M you are exhausted by all the texting and calls and the sharing of so many details about your own private life. Say that from now on you will not be texting her every night to say you are home, nor will you be responding to any random questions from her. Go cold turkey!

Of course this will be hard as you have become conditioned over time to respond and provide all the detail that’s requested of you. But the only way this is going to stop, is if you stop doing it.

I get that you love your M and you don’t want to lose contact or fall out. She may do the latter with you, but you need to hold your nerve.

I would tell her you will ring her on Sunday at X o’clock and you can have a good natter then.

When the questions come once more on this call - and they will! - don’t answer any that you don’t want to.

What did you wear / did you wear a bra etc?
Really mum, I’m 30, not 13 that’s not something you need to know or even ask!

Where did you go / who with / how long were you out / what time did you get home?
A few friends and I just went to a local restaurant / pub / gig. We had a nice relaxed evening.

How can I relax and sleep if I don’t know where you are / are home ?
Mum, I’m a grown woman with my own life. If you’re anxious that’s on you and you should get someone to help you address it. It’s not normal.

Too many questions and she isn’t hearing what you are saying?
Mum, I’ve told you I’m not answering any of these incessant, intrusive questions. I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you are ready to respect my needs.

You need to have lots of phrases and strategies like this ready to use so you don’t get sucked back into the old patterns. In your shoes, I would not give them any advanced details of what you’re planning to do and only share anything, after the event, at very high level. Don’t allow yourself to get drawn into the minutiae.

I would also speak to your dad in no uncertain terms:

Dad, you know I love you, but what you did when I had my work trip was utterly unacceptable and inappropriate. You put me and my professional standing in jeopardy even when I explicitly asked you not do. I can’t begin to express how embarrassed you made me feel. May I remind you that I’m 30, not 13, and if you EVER do anything like that again I will never forgive you.

This is all about you resetting and taking back control of your life

Good luck!

@Miranda65 Ive no idea why your (very sensible) quote appears in my post! I didn’t add it and it wasn’t there when I was creating my version of War and Peace. Sorry!

Gosh they are way out of order. I think you need to remind them that you are 30 - an adult! This is in no way normal. It’s controlling behaviour. You need to reduce all this nonsense and let your DM figure out how to deal with it as she should.

The world is not going to implode because you didn’t text her one night!

I would move house and not give her my new address or phone number.

I can tell you my relationship with my dad which I see as fairly normal if it helps

we speak most days but it might be a quick text about “did you see the weather forecast?” Or “ringing to check Tuesday is still ok?”
he will ask how work is going but nothing else unless I tell him

I do tend to tell him what I’m up to as conversation but it’s more
“off out into town with work tonight for the Christmas do”
he will say have fun, might ask if I’ve booked a taxi/where the meal is and then nothing else

dating he doesn’t ask unless I volunteer information

i am in the midst of a SA police thing, he asked what happened, I said I didn’t want to tell him, he said ok but if you do then we can talk about it

he has panicked ONCE, he was meant to be collecting me from hospital at lunch time after a day surgery and I didn’t ring him. He ended up ringing the hospital as I was in theatre for over 8hrs and it was only meant to be 3hrs and I think he was scared something had gone badly wrong

It sounds tiring @LucyLou96 and it doesn't sound like they think you have grown up at all. As a parent you worry about your adult children who live away from home, but you have to trust them to make the right decisions. Not to say things can and do happen out of their control, like accidents.

I think if I were in the same situation I would grey rock her via messages, so just short one word replies.

Or, you could send a morning text of I'll be out all day so won't be replying to messages or answering calls. In answer to the messages she will no doubt send you in that time, keep any answers brief, like I'm home safe, enjoy your evening, or something like that. Any messages she sends you just keep one word answers, or when she is prying for details don't answer.

I only say all this as you want to keep a relationship with her. If you didn't want that I would just ignore all messages and calls full stop.

Her anxiety is not for you to deal with and it sounds like she needs some therapy to help her deal with this extreme behaviour.

I would be reading the riot act to your dad though. How dare he call your ceo!