Struggling with unsupportive comments as a new Mumsnet user

[RedFaceThree]

I’m new to Mumsnet and really needed some support. I’m absolutely gutted to have received a couple of horrible comments and to have read so many nasty or at best unsupportive comments on other threads. Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.

Neither of which is what's happening here, though.

OP, you described a situation where your children are either ignored by their father, or hear him loudly crying. Your proposed solution was to turn the office into a new bedroom so you could separate but stay in the same house.

Posters pointed out that this would change nothing for the children.

Be honest, what were you hoping people would say?

I think both of these topics are hugely controversial and there is genuine concern related to this. I know you accuse people of making sweeping statements but that works both ways. So many people won't accept that ND being seen as a binary issue or potentially being over diagnosed is an issue at all or that people are defrauding and milking the benefit system. It leads to a divisive and polarised forum that probably reflect our population as a whole.

I would add though that there will be posters on here who are not from the UK at all. It shows in the time they come on to post, the language used, the lack of grasp of some basics ( usually around the UK’s political system), and some phrasing and spelling differences. But they come usually with an agenda.

I've also read your other thread and can't see any unsupportive comments, people have just spoken the truth and have given their opinions based on living with someone with depression. I would reread them and take them on board if I were you.

Yes, true they are controversial and opinions are very polarised. I just wish people could argue their case politely and respectfully, using facts and evidence.

I am fed up of being told I am naive when discussing these and other controversial topics. I’m interested to hear reasoned debate but simply telling someone that their opinion is stupid is annoying and rude.

PS regarding overdiagnosis of ND. Most people working in the field say girls and women are under diagnosed.

@RedFaceThree hasn't come back.

Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.
Don't speak for all of us. You don't get to tell us what to post.

"RedFaceThree · Yesterday 18:39
AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 13:59
It is impossible to protect them , let alone your own self, from his depressed state and sulking whilst you are all under the same roof. They likely know far more about your marriage than perhaps either of you care to realise. Is this the model you want to show them, this is no legacy to leave them. One day too your kids will leave home, perhaps at the very first opportunity they get (university for instance) and they won’t want to come home very often if at all. What then for you if you and he are together then?. His promises of change amount to nothing and are designed to keep you there.
I’m astonished that you have used such words. What a shame when I came here for support."

I'm astonished at your reaction.

Well if your starting point is the current diagnosis models then ND would logically be under diagnosed but this is at the root of the controversy. Is the diagnostic criteria too wide? This is inherently subjective in nature. At what point does an individual go from being NT with ND traits (like virtually everyone in the population) to being ND? Any threshold will have people just above and just below it. How does this work in such a binary system where you are autistic or not autistic for example and we are no longer allowed to use descriptors such as Asperger's or high functioning? Someone just above threshold is categorised the same as someone that is obviously more impacted by the condition. Where does this lead those that will never live independently or be able to do much for themselves at all?

What if the 'NT' person has traits that don't align with an ND diagnosis but are experienced as severely or even more severely than someone that fits more neatly into the diagnostic criteria and qualifies for a diagnosis? BAP for example is ever present and can be hugely disabling, yet isn't an ND condition.

My point is that this, like benefits and immigration, is an incredibly complex and nuanced area. Nobody should be calling anybody stupid but I do think that a lot of people are naive about how human nature operates and all these areas are pretty obvious targets for people looking to manipulate the system because there are so many grey areas and ethical concerns. People's lived experiences will influence their opinions and too often people want to use obviously flawed stats (e.g. the DWP PIP fraud stat) to disprove what people are experienced and seeing with their own eyes everyday. That's where the frustration kicks in and the etiquette deteriorates. On one side people will be compared to Nazis, murderers etc and on the other they will be called stupid and naive. It's how all these debates go on MN

Thank your for your very thoughtful comments .
i won’t comment on your points about ND, PIP etc because it is off topic for this thread. But yes, I agree with your explanation as to why people get nasty on controversial threads. I had not thought of it in that way, so that is helpful.

This is the latest Woolly Hugs thread, so people can see some of the good that goes on here.

There’s so many cunts in here but just ignore them. They’ll get bored and go on someone else’s thread

That is true, but doesn't apply to OP's situation. As a result, she will still be in this situation in many years time and sadly the poster she was upset about will be proved correct, but it will be too late by then.

I've read your other thread and the comments weren't horrible or unfair.

Some threads can be awful and some people can write nasty stuff but this hasn't been the case for you.

You need to reread your thread and take in what people are saying to you.

@RedFaceThree I've been here on and off for the best part of 25 years, shortly after Mumsnet started and can truthfully say I've had some great advice and really helpful support. I've also received some brutal takedowns.

You are posting on a a public forum to people who know nothing about you and your situation. If you stood on the street corner and told strangers of your problems, would you expect them all to be kind and concerned for you? Of course not. It is no different here.

I've had a look at your thread about your husband and can't see anything 'unsupportive' - although I'm not sure of what your definition is of that word. Just because a poster says something you don't want to hear, it doesn't mean it is unsupportive, it might just be an observation you care not to agree to.

I hope you get things sorted out at home. As for MN, you can pick and choose what you want to take on board - that is the joy of it. No one is forcing you to agree with them or do what they say.

Too many people post on AIBU but then argue endlessly if anyone says yes they are BU.

Of course people shouldn't be rude or unpleasant, but there doesn’t seem much point in asking for the opinions of strangers if all you really want is people telling you you’re right. "Support" like that isn't really worth having, imo.

The truth is often hard to hear, but you will hear it on MN. I’ve been told things I didn’t want to hear on these boards. But after reflection and the passing of time, have usually come to the conclusion that the advice I received was sound.

I had a look at your other thread and saw very respectful and kind responses. Posters were honest, and that in itself is not unkind or wrong. Please also bear in mind that many of the posters were posting from experience- perhaps you could consider what a generous thing that is to do- to share painful and personal information in an attempt to help someone else.

This site is massive (and lots of people aren’t parents anyway as there is so much more on here).

It can be harsh - unfortunately you can’t just tell everyone to be supportive. It’s a very forthright place with a lot of swearing.

If someone breaks talk guidelines then report. Otherwise probably better to not post on chat or AIBU.

I have seen your post. You will always get some harsh replies so if you are vulnerable then it may not be the best place for your mental health.

🤣🤣🤣

Sometimes people come here and expect a certain response to a question, and get upset when they don't get it.