Struggling with unsupportive comments as a new Mumsnet user

[RedFaceThree]

I’m new to Mumsnet and really needed some support. I’m absolutely gutted to have received a couple of horrible comments and to have read so many nasty or at best unsupportive comments on other threads. Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.

Mumsnet is quite straight talking. It isn't like some other mum groups where you have to say 'it's fine' no matter what. Sometimes it goes too far but most of the time you can rely on Mumsnet to give you the advice you need to hear, not the advice you want to hear.

It's a bit difficult to know what to say without knowing what topics you have been discussing. If a poster asks for an opinion, it's likely that a range of views will come back. I've learnt to grit my teeth when I get attacked (which isn't often). I think your expectations are unrealistic if you think support will always be positive when the Mumsnet community is so large.You can report comments if you think they don't comply with talk guidelines.

Yeah people can be pretty horrible sometimes. Sorry to hear about your experience

If you want something sugarcoated talk to family and friends if you want to be called out for your shit ask mumsnet

I’m so sorry you have received so little support when you asked for some. I must confess I haven’t seen too many of the type of comments you describe but sadly there are always some.
I know it’s easy to tell you to just ignore the hateful ones or at least try not to take it to heart but it can be very wounding. I hope you did eventually get some help or advice which was positive.

Examples?

Can you explain further. MN will give you straight advice. What was the problem with the advice you got?

It can vary where you post. There are some really lovely corners, and some straight talking, but supportive sections. And then there is AIBU which is not for the faint hearted.

Engage in a limited way, and if you post something controversial just leave the thread before you get piled on. I have found the two most supportive threads are Style and Beauty and Weight Loss Injections; lots of really lovely people on those two.

I think OP you need to take the comments overall on balance - same way as reading trip advisor reviews! - eg if most reviews are generally positive, it feels like a safe bet to think those couple of negative ones are from the sort of people who just like to complain and nitpick. Same with MN - if your post is in need of support I would hazard a guess that the majority of comments will be supportive but like everywhere there will be the odd person who just likes to be negative/mean whatever, so just ignore those few.

if on the other hand you’ve posted in AIBU, and on balance the comments are, in fact, that you’re being unreasonable, then take that into consideration! - that’s the beauty of MN - you’ll on balance get straight talking no nonsense advice (and generally speaking support where support is due).

Some users are unnecessarily rude and try to bait others in here, I find they stop fairly quickly if you don’t engage. Reporting the name callers usually gets the comment deleted

It's subjective isn't it. Unless you can give an example, people can't really say if comments are 'horrible'.

@RedFaceThree - go and look at the Woolly Hugs threads - where we make blankets to comfort MNers who have lost a child or a spouse - the overwhelming love and support there will vastly outweigh the comments you find negative.

Having read your other threads, I think PP have nailed it. You’re getting the advice you need to hear not what you want to hear, and I actually think that’s the most valuable kind of support. It might be that you’re not ready to receive it though, which is fine - but MN is not the place for you.

I’ve just read your thread that you are presumably referring to and every post has been honest (even if it’s unpalatable to hear). I don’t think any of them have been unsupportive (including but one you took umbrage with), they have just given you the reality of it and the likely effect if will have on your children regardless of how you try and shelter them. If you don’t agree or simply don’t want to hear that your way is possible not the best way for your kids then that is fine but it’s not true to say that it’s unsupportive.

obviously there are a minority of threads where there are right pile ons and posters can be appealing!

I must say OP that at the weekend I was absolutely disgusted with some of the posts on MN.

I know that there are a percentage of really nice, helpful, wise and supportive posters on MN. And there are generally a percentage of unpleasant and downright cruel posters . But at times , as at the weekend , there seems to be some sort of game being played by a lot of posters to see how much they can upset OPs. Joining forces in a pile - on. I dont know whether it's because they have more time on their hands or not but it's pretty disgusting behaviour

I'm sorry you have had a bad experience OP.

I agree with this.
I am sorry too. Try not to worry though.

Advice is one thing, even if it is something someone doesn’t want to hear, but rudeness and attack is another - unwarranted, and not necessary.
Occasionally people do respond in that way. But for the most part I think people are saying what they think is true rather than trying to be unkind. You can always disagree in your own mind anyway.

I’ve been on MN for 20 years (just had to double check that!) I can still remember the impact of unpleaaant posters (and there is a difference between ‘straight talking telling you what you don’t want to hear’ and the downright nasty). The former - you suck it up, you asked a question but you might not like the answer. Tough. The latter - posters who seem to take great pleasure in being unpleasant. Maybe they think it’s big and clever but they are just sad and immature. But overall, you will find MN supportive and helpful. I hope you can scroll past the nasty posts (but be honest with yourself if you need help to take some tough responses on board) and enjoy the overriding positives this site provides

I have also just gone and read your previous thread. What did you want people to say? It's OK that your husband sits ignoring the kids all day and weeps in front of them?

It is a sad reflection of society but I think the bulk of nasty comments are simply stupidity and only a few are genuine malice.

A lot of people have fairly limited comprehension.

A lot more think anything outside their personal life experience can’t exist.

I mostly roll my eyes and feel sorry for them and scroll past.

Direct personal attacks get reported though.

OP — it’s just not like that here. People and on the whole are pretty articulate and smart and they express frank and sometimes rather harsh opinions. Sometimes they are right and sometimes it’s far beyond what’s appropriate or necessary. It’s always been plain speaking here but it’s worse than ever in terms of what and how many overstep. I know you mean well but it won’t change now; you just have to ignore the unpleasant rude posts and extract the useful advice and kindness where you find it.

The advice tends to be given on the basis of the OP's posts. Your thread wasn't unsupportive.

Lots of people on here seem to just want the OP to feel worse, it's not straight talking, it's plain nasty.
There was a thread the other day by a woman who thought her husband might have gone for a Thai massage while on holiday. The gaslighting that followed was quite shocking.

I would never come here for "advice" on anything important. I was called a useless parent once because I asked for advice to help DS17 get a job.

That said, I've seen some excellent advice and amazing support given to others, I just wouldn't take the risk myself.

Certainly never ask about driving, or not being able to drive, posters would bring back ritual hanging for non-drivers if they could.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a shitty experience. I’ve been on mumsnet since the beginning - when it used to be a supportive, intellectually stimulating place. It’s changed, but you can still find nice people here.

This is true. I’m on a real life Mums group and from what she tells us one of them is unfortunately married to an absolute bellend, but because I actually know her (but am not a close friend) I don’t feel like I can call it out / offer blunt advice in the same way I could here reading the same stories, despite thinking it.