Struggling with unsupportive comments as a new Mumsnet user

[RedFaceThree]

I’m new to Mumsnet and really needed some support. I’m absolutely gutted to have received a couple of horrible comments and to have read so many nasty or at best unsupportive comments on other threads. Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.

You got good advice in your other thread about what your future looks like. You certainly did not get ‘horrible comments’.

You can’t expect posters to only comment with what you’ve decided is supportive. You need to hear the harsh reality and that’s what’s useful about anonymous forums.

Supportive doesn’t equal agreeing. Mumsnet is known for calling people out if needed, especially if people are denying their reality. If you are only looking for people to agree with you then this really isn’t the place to post!

Yes, I saw that thread. It was supportive with some brisker responses suggesting you were deluded about the extent to which you were able to give your children a ‘beautiful life” with a husband with severe depression who sits in a room crying and ignoring them. I’m not sure they’re wrong.

First post nails it.

Just because something seems unsupportive to you doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Sometimes you need to hear things in order to move forward. But you have to be the type of person who is willing to work on self improvement.

Ive just looked at your post, and kindly i want to say that people who responded were quite right in what they were saying.
I think you moving into the office is a great idea whilst you figure out a longer term plan.
His mental health will absolutely affect the kids, and their expectation of what a relationship should look like.

Create a little distance, enjoy days out with the kids and agree that he cries elsewhere, not in the main shared living space of the home.

My ex had issues, he created a horrible atmosphere, wasnt nice to me. Was just crap in a thousand ways. I felt sorry for him so i let our relationship drag on, fast forward to now. DD is 18 and she has a boyfriend who is just like my ex. Turns out my ex is autistic (as is her boyfriend) and sadly it is very true that kids will expect what they see growing up.
Please take the advice given. You are doing what you think is best, and there will be posters who will help you figure out your way forward with as little upheaval as possible, whilst protecting the kids emotional health.

Wishing you all the best. Mumsnet saw me through leaving my ex with a 7 week old baby.

There’s straight talking but there’s also needlessly nasty. Some people don’t know the difference

You got great advice from Attila on that other thread. Why don’t you have a really good think about whether she’s right? She’s got a long history of writing sensible and realistic replies to people asking about similar situations. (I know, I’ve been there).

I think you’ve had some answers you’re not ready to take on board.

I think as a newbie definitely stay away from AIBU and instead post in places like Relationships which covers all relationships, parental, sibling as well as romantic. Many years ago this place was small so there were much fewer boards but now it is a case of finding where to post such as work, or legal, in primary instead of the general education board. A lot of people post in AIBU and get annihilated.

I think most people are on here to help, I certainly am. Sometimes though hearing the honest outside perspective about your situation can be quite brutal. It is especially hard if your relationship is just completely awful and you are advised to leave and then don't. Then usually the poster comes back 2 years later, things have got worse and they still won't leave or help themselves. It happens more than you think. I have been on here for 20 years.

OP, you wouldn’t know it yet but you were well served by Attila taking
on your situation,
a straight talker, with cogent arguments.
With all the helpful advice you received, how can you bleat about a
lack of support.

This thread will probably be closed down as it breaks the rules

Having read your thread I don’t think comments were unsupportive. I think they were honest and probably not what you wanted to hear. It’s also very hard having the realisation that you have to do something.

Mumsnet can be brutal and sometimes vile. It can also be wonderfully supportive and honest in the ways that your friends and family won’t be.

If anyone comes on here wanting to call their baby Aioli-Mae Sparkle Glittah. I’m going to tell you your name’s shit and you hate your child. Your family will just be thinking it.

Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support

Thats just not true though is it? Some people are here for support and I hope they genuinely get it.

Others are here to wind people up.
Some want to argue and bicker about the smallest, tiniest things and tell others they are wrong
Some are determined that they're right and become very nasty when people dont happen to agree with them
Some are convinced they are the heroes in their own lives and want us to collectively agree that the problem lies with everyone else in the world around them apart from them
Some want genuinely honest opinions about an issue rather than saccharine "you ok hun?" schmaltz and corny platitudes

There isnt only "one way" we should respond to every single post.

If you're quite sensitive (nothing wrong with that, I used to be) then Mumsnet may not be the best place for you to ask for support.

Sometimes starting a post with "Please be kind, feeling upset" can help people tone it down a bit.

First time I posted on here I ended up in tears as I felt hugely attacked. But I stuck with it and it's actually helped me deal with straight talking people and disagreements in day to day life.

AttilatheMeerkat has been here for years and has helped countless women in domestic abuse situations with her sage advice. As I recall she works in this field in real life as well; on MN she is often the one identifying abusive behaviours from partners and signposting women towards help.

She was in no way nasty to you. If anything this thread is rather nasty towards her. I hope she doesn’t see it as I’d hate for her to be dissuaded from the valuable help and advice she offers here.

People on the thread expressed concern for your children. I fail to see how that is nasty. Lots of children of depressed parents also spoke up.

I don’t think MN is a great place for support - sometimes it can be but if you are in a bad place MN is not to be relied on. I hope you find the support you need.

I was curious enough to look at OP’s other thread.

I’m now really quite confused as she got loads of support 🫤

Women on mumsnet generally do not support poor decisions. You will get told straight if something is a terrible idea. If you are in a bad way you will get advice. If you want people here to support your decision to, for example, keep an aggressive bully near your children you will get your ass handed to you.

Seens she didnt like someone pointing out what impact this will have on the children. It is easier to pretend they wil be fine I guess.

I didn't think people can be expected to be supportive of everything. If they think someone is being a dick, or making a mistake, it's ok to say so. Being nasty though isn't ok.

Yeah I thought it was quite a good post.

Hard to hear, but still well put imo.

There are some nasty threads about neurodivergence and benefits. Many people deeply resent both and are prepared to make sweeping criticisms.

I'm sorry you felt people aren't supportive OP.

I read your earlier thread about DH and people were very forthright with their experiences of similar parenting/ being depressed as a parent.

If you don't expect such plain speaking it can come across as harsh. However I think if you take some time to really think why posters have said what they said it's with the best of intentions. No one was cruel. But they want your children to benefit from their experience without having to go through what they did. Can you honestly say they are wrong?

You started a thread about your husband's depression. You got responses from women with depressed husbands and from women who had been the children of depressed fathers. No-one was nasty to you.

You don't want to hear that your children will be damaged by the environment you won't leave; so you claim people are being nasty to you, stick your fingers in your ears, and sing la-la-la.

The Mumsnetters on your thread offered their very personal experience to help you. You don't have to take their very good advice, but it's pretty poor of you to snipe at them on a new thread.

I'm sure you won't listen to the people on this thread either, apart from those agreeing with you.

Get a grip.

I think choosing an appropriate section for posting is key.

when I was on my knees with breastfeeding it was MN that got me through it, not my family or friends, so it can be supportive and a lifeline. You just need to find the right section for what you’re asking