Struggling with unsupportive comments as a new Mumsnet user

[RedFaceThree]

I’m new to Mumsnet and really needed some support. I’m absolutely gutted to have received a couple of horrible comments and to have read so many nasty or at best unsupportive comments on other threads. Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.

@RedFaceThree

Posters were pretty nice on your thread, honestly. They just gave you a ‘real’ reply, rather than a fluffy one. People are scared to tell it straight IRL, but will give it both barrels online.

Sorry to hear that op, when you actually need advice and are feeling vulnerable it sucks to have people being blunt and or horrible

It wasn't even both barrels. It was the truth, from people who've lived it.

That doesn't mean it was easy to read, OP - quite the reverse. And I do sympathise for your situation, which sounds awful.

But no-one was horrible to you. They just told you the truth, sans varnish, about the probable impact of your choice. If it's landed that deep with you, maybe it's worth another think.

Is it your depressed husband thread OP? Tbf that's pretty tame and you got a lot of supportive comments. Take no notice of the ones who are dead against seperate bedrooms. It's weird to think that. I love my bedroom. Nobody gets in there but me.

One thing I've learned about Mumsnet in the 13 or so years I've been on here. You need a very thick skin and need to ignore the trolls, of which we have many . Some people on here deliberately stir shit for their own agenda.

I read your other thread and people were actually very measured, there was also lots of empathy and suggestions for organisations who can support your husband. I do see threads especially on AIBU that can be harsh but that really wasn't one of them.

Anyone can join Mumsnet.

You will therefore have people with a discriminatory agenda, all political agendas, people who are abroad. And some may belong to all sorts of unsavoury organisations. Some will be organised. Some will be paid to agitate, cause a stir, provoke. Or promote a view. And be relentless in doing so.

Sadly. Know your values. Know what you believe in. And if you come across something bad, report it. And keep your distance. Don’t give the thread any more responses.

In addition I would add some people seem to have forgotten there is a person on the other end of the post.
Standards are important. And there is no excuse for some of the posts I do see on Mumsnet. They can be a disgrace.

MN is filled with women who enjoy bringing others down. There are set ways to think on this site and if they think you go against the grain you will be piled on.

I read your other thread @RedFaceThree and not one person was nasty. They spoke the truth regarding your situation. The reality here is don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answers and sometimes the truth hurts.

Probably your question should have been "how do I escape when financially trapped" although one of the answers would be sell the house which you have said you don't want to do.

Have a think about what you really want to ask, then ask it. Many of us have been in similar predicaments and at least one of us should be able to help. But you have to be open to the advice.

Nothing on your thread in Relationships is nasty OP. In fact people have really taken time to give good advice there from their own painful experiences, and the fact you think the mean girls are being mean says it all really 🤷🤷
Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.

I'm sorry you felt upset by horrible comments.
The thing is if you ask for support you will also get opinions you don't like,its the nature of the beast.
Generally ive seen many supportive responses of the OP and a some responses that are unsupportive and a few unreasonable/offensive ones.
Generally ,i think mumsnet is an honest response space that reflects a wide range of views . Some responses that seem unsupportive are just differing viewpoints that provide balance,
Truly nasty responses can be a breach of guidelines and should be reported.
Could you give an example of a horrible response you received and what did you respond or do about it?

It can depend on the wording of your post. It needs to be full of caveats and you just have to cover every single potential conclusion that posters will potentially come to, or you leave yourself wide open to wild accusations and character assassinations.

A long time ago, I posted about how a male colleague had done something to make me feel very uncomfortable, and, based on my wording, I was accused of being prudish and one person said that I 'sounded Amish'. Looking back, the colleague absolutely was bang out of order and other colleagues have continued to tell me the creepy things he has said to them.

Another time, I wrote on AIBU about how a female relative completely ignored me when I was staying with her and was very ill. I had covid and she didnt so much as leave a glass of water outside the bedroom door for me and just acted like I wasn't there. I was so weak I was asking my 6 year old to fetch me a drink. Because I directed my hurt towarda the female relative, with whom I had thought I had a good relationship with up to this point, and not her husband, with whom I had no real relationship to speak of, I was accused of being sexist and of perpetuating patriarchal views that women need to be the caregivers.

Mumsnet has been incredibly supportive through the years but I have read, and been subject to, very strange narratives that form based on the initial perception of the OP.

I think that Mumsnet is huge and there is a real cross section of absolute weirdos who enjoy extrapolating strange things from an otherwise innocuous OP. Anyone posting needs not only a think skin but also a very discerning sense of inner judgement because some replies are nuts.

I won’t be surprsied if MN removes this thread as it’s essential a thread about a thread which isn’t allowed as it leaves people one to bullying. But I agree with other posters the advice you were given was kind but true and some times the truth is hard to hear.

How do you know they're women?

Do you not think that Mumsnet is filled with women? Chances are that most posters are female.

Yes this is true, but I would add that many threads have some comments that get deleted by MNHQ, so clearly there are some users being unnecessarily mean or hostile.

There is a lot more men on here than you think.

Unfortunately that's not how it works. Some people like being mean. Or some people think the truth is rude/mean. Or they take offence to a difference of opinion.

Maybe but I still believe its a predominantly female site.

OP I understand from your other posts that you are feeling fragile - I don’t blame you. But I have also seen far worse on here. People are blunt, perhaps to offer a sobering perspective. I’ve skimmed through the post about your DH and read the travel one earlier in the day. I can’t say there was anything cruel or derogatory in there.

How do you know they are men?

Having read your other post, I disagree. No one was awful to you. They pointed out, from experience, some things that you maybe don’t want to hear. That isn’t cruelty.
But it’s pretty clear that you can’t hide how a parent behaves from children. They do know and they do see things. Parents behaviours do affect them, however much you may wish it didn’t.
If you want to live in an echo chamber where you only hear your own views then posting on an internet forum isn’t that helpful. You will get a variety of views. Some of them you will appreciate and agree with, some of them you may find hard to hear but they could benefit you in the long run.

People sometimes complain about a 'pile on' but its just a lot of other posters who think the same thing. It's not as if we all know each other and get together with a plan to make the OP feel bad.

On the other hand if there is a post from someone with a problem. There is no point berating them for having the problem in the first place. That really is mean.

I think sometimes delivery is sharp, and sometimes posters can go out of their way to be cutting, but generally posters have a wealth of knowledge and a point that is helpful (even if it feels like a dig at the time)
Ive been here since about 2012 and have had my arse handed to me multiple times, but its alwaus been useful.

What did you need support with? I hope if you didnt get the support here you needed, that youve found it elsewhere?

I have seen your other post. PPs weren’t horrible as you suggest. It doesn’t make them horrible just because you don’t like what they say. You should take notice of how many people agree with PP

Please only respond in supportive ways, folks. We’re all here for support.

No, we're not "all here for support"
You can't dictate how people reply. This is the internet. Anyone can join. There are rules, and a very easy and effective way to report posts that break these rules, which then result in the post being deleted and cumulatively, can lead to a poster being banned.
If you believe anyone has broken talk guidelines on your thread then hit the 'report' button.

You've not linked to another thread, but, from what many posters have said on here, people haven't been horrible or unkind, but honest. You 'not hearing what you hoped the answers would be' doesn't mean people are being horrible, it means they are giving you the benefit of their experiences and hindsight. This kind of advice can often be invaluable. Far more useful than people patting you on the head and saying 'there there hun'.