How can I raise concerns about my daughter-in-law with my son?

[Newdaysmile]

My dil is so Lazy. She sits on her phone and sucks her thumb.. yes sucks her thumb in her 30s. My son has to do everything how do I approach it to my son who will always take her side.

Stay out of it or you could lose contact with your son. If you try and criticise his wife he's going to defend her and you will lose out

You don't. Its his marriage and his business, mind your own and stay out of it.

Don’t be so daft.

Thank you. Its just so hard. But I will take this on board.

Don't. If your son has an issue with it, he will deal with it. He obviously knows about it and won't thank you for interfering.

You don’t. Realise that life is generally a long time, and they’ll work out their own issues in their marriage. Do anything else & you are likely to be pushed out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you

You can’t. If he’s happy to live with it the way it is then nothing you say will change that. He presumably loves his wife and they arrange their life together as they see fit. No conversation you start about this is going to end well for you.

I’d go more down the road of chatting to him and just a general - how’s things at the moment, any trips planned, holidays, DIY projects general conversation and let him take the lead and see if he mentions anything to you. If he does then support but if he doesn’t I think you’ll have to leave it. It must be sad for you tho I get it.

Thank you. I just feel for the children who are watching their mum on her phone instead of interacting with them

Thank you

Why do you say that

Why do you say that

My son’s partner talks with her mouth full, which drives me mad, but I say nothing and try not to sit opposite if we go for a meal. You cannot say anything or criticise her in any way, your son like mine, does not mind.

You don't.

You have to recognise two things here:
Firstly you only see a small snapshot of their relationship, regardless of how much time you've spent with them; you won't be aware of their inner workings, their deeper conversations, their boundaries and how they work together. You can assume, and make deductions based on what you see, but you can not, and do not, actually know what's going on in their relationship fully from all angles.

Secondly, your son is an adult. He gets to make his own choices, and live his own life. Importantly, he gets to manage HIS own relationships.

Do not overstep the mark on this.

Thank you. I now know I need to suck it up or I will lose my family

It’s possible she finds you stressful to be around and resorts to self-soothing behaviour in your presence. Or she’s a terrible wife and mother as you believe. Either way, no good will come of making your views heard.

It’s probably a good idea to quote people so we know who you’re asking the question of.

Obviously you are nowhere near this situation.. I hope you never are.

Many of us have adult children.

Probably dil"s all i ever want is to be a good mil

I’m sure you are

How do I move forward if you know. Ignore it? Be the best granny I can?

Yes, in this instance ignore it.

I know he seems wore out and besotted