How can I raise concerns about my daughter-in-law with my son?

[Newdaysmile]

My dil is so Lazy. She sits on her phone and sucks her thumb.. yes sucks her thumb in her 30s. My son has to do everything how do I approach it to my son who will always take her side.

Does your son work ?

I’m glad i’m not your mil. Refusing to make a cup of tea, that’s so petty.

My brother has a wife like that. We just hope she's great in bed. There's nothing you can do.

Are you living with them all the time? If not, then the time you’re visiting may not be representative of what actually goes on. My ex husband, who thought he was above domestic chores, would act very busy whenever we had visitors, particularly when his parents came.

Anyway, how they orchestrate their lives isn’t your business unless your DS asks for advice/help.

Snap!
It's not petty, when she tells you to abort a child! After that we were done. Petty would be telling her to bring her own tea bags.

You don’t.

It has nothing to do with you and you have no idea how lazy she is or isn’t based on the snippets you see, presumably most of the time you are not there and you don’t even know she’s being lazy on her phone - she could be doing all sorts of useful tasks.

In the last 5 years,ive properly spoken 20 words to my dil
It's not the lack of trying but she just doesn't seem to want to know me
I know ds has said something but its the way she is
Shes the mother of my gorgeous grandchild so I suck it up,be polite and never interfere
Ds has made his choice to be with her/marry her and their marriage is none of my business
He knows where I am if he needs me (and id be there for her if she ever needs me) but I dont get involved
I smile,try to speak to her and accept her for who she is

I think if I was your dil I would have my thumb in my mouth to remind me not to say what I am thinking…

People say 'don't say anything', a marriage is a long-term project and they will sort themselves out. I agree with 'don't say anything to her' bit, but this can literally ruin the children - they, unlike the long-term project of a marriage, don't have the luxury of rewinding the time and starting all over again. If they have this slob in front of their eyes for a long period of time, their lives will be ruined, behavioural patterns will form, which are impossible to rectify. Is there any chance that you might do something for these children yourself without criticising your DIL? Like take them out of this sordid environment for a few hours - you don't even have to engage majorly yourself. Can you take them for a few hours and dump them in a chess/dance/theatre/sports/art club? So they would have a different picture in front of them? I mean, if your son does not care, this is his problem, he is an adult, you can't help him, but the children are a different matter. It is not too late to save them from this awfulness.

My mil had a similar view of me because I asked my husband to change our daughter's nappy rather than doing it myself.

She didn't know I was pregnant and nappies were a big trigger for my nausea, so he'd always deal with them if around.

From just that one interaction she fitness the view that I was lazy and couldn't cope as a parent.

What you are seeing is a tiny snippet of their lives. Don't judge her on that.

How do you approach it with your son? - you don't.

Just imagine if the sexes were reversed :

My son-in-law is lazy , just sits scrolling his phone and sucking his thumb
"Bloody Hell , is he a BABY does he want a dummy or something ? What a ManChild"

He does nothing for the children, my daughter does it all
"He's a waste of skin, nothing more than a cocklodger. Get him off his backside and doing something . He should do at least 50% , more if he's not working"

I don't know if she loves him or tolerates him
"Throw him to the kerb"

And - everyone saying "oh he must be happy , besotted etc, they're married " ... how many relationships -like jobs - do people stay in because the alternative ( to leave) is too scary .
If the son left , he'd be forced to move out , the DIL would have the children in the house till they're adult .
Maybe he just stays put and stays quiet .

MN is so one sided , sadly

Are you the OP that has had 2 recent-ish threads about your son who used to be your carer, but has since moved out to live with his GF (now wife), and you're upset you don't see him enough now?
You have a very similar 'voice'

It could be mils eyes .
My mil said my DH did "everything " ie cooking occasionally , gardening sometimes ,wielding a hoover somerimes and looking after his own DC
Her poor son run ragged ..

Its when im with grandparents i feel i can be the most lazy. I feel like they're there and can do the interacting! Maybe she's better when she's alone with them.