How can I raise concerns about my daughter-in-law with my son?

[Newdaysmile]

My dil is so Lazy. She sits on her phone and sucks her thumb.. yes sucks her thumb in her 30s. My son has to do everything how do I approach it to my son who will always take her side.

Don't say anything to him otherwise you risk losing him as he will defend his wife.

It is very difficult when someone you love chooses someone you simply don't think is great for lots of different reasons.

The best thing you can do, though, is cultivate a non-judgemental air, respond to their asks/offer help, but don't be pushy, and develop your own relationship with the grandchildren.

Don't offer advice ever unless asked for it! I find this a very hard rule to follow but it's the best way, no-one appreciates unwanted advice and it usually isn't taken.

Be supportive, if you need someone to vent to, vent to your friends or husband but never your son or other family members.

Ive been asked to take the children for a week so she can have a rest. I am taking them

It sounds like she’s not okay.

Thank you that makes sence

Grown adults sucking their thumb is disgusting to be fair. My sister in law does it and I never know where to look, I love her in many other ways but find this so odd.

The best thing you can do is what you’re doing, helping when asked and not commenting on her behaviour or their relationship. She could well have medical issues you’re unaware of that are impacting her. If he’s besotted he’s getting something positive out of the relationship as it is. I’m sure she’s a good partner and parent behind closed doors

Yes quite embarrassing

Yes I think she tries her best

How do you know that she does this when she is looking after the children?

Presumably when you are there you are visiting your son and grandchildren and engaging with them. and she can clock off if she wants. You clearly dislike her so doubtless she dislikes you and just goes on her phone during your visits. Do you also have daughters and do they have partners? Would you be equally scandalised if when you visited your daughterand her children her husband picked up a newspaper; looked at his phone or went into another room or was doing some gardening?

When your mother visited when your children were small was your husband always present and attentive to her, to you, and to the children or was he permitted to be elsewhere or read a newspaper? Or did he largely leave you and your mum and the children to entertain each other?

Plenty of trips planned

My first thoughts too. Struggling, perhaps depressed.

OP, you're outside of their marriage, so you wont know what goes on or the whys. Let them crack on. They'll ask for help when or if they need to.

It's very kind of you to take them for a week. It does sound like they need a break.

Thank you its good to hear other people's perspectives on this

At the end of the day, you don’t know what she does and doesn’t do when you’re not there. If your son is “besotted” she’s clearly doing a lot right.

A rest? Does she work? Or does she sit on her phone all day?

Do you interact fully with them?

Not your business! You aren't with them 24/7 so she must get up sometimes. Sitting on a phone must be uncomfortable after a while, could be interesting if it buzzes.

How do you know she sits on her phone sucking her thumb and neglects her children all day? Wouldn’t it make sense that she just does this when her husband’s family visit, maybe trying to keep out of the way a bit? If your son really did everything would he put up with that? You could maybe ask him if everything is ok with her L?

🤣

"How do I..." - you don't! You keep your mouth shut, you plaster a smile on your face every time you're together, and you say not one word of criticism against her - never make your son choose sides - you'll lose him!

Well done for agreeing to take them. It’s not great that DIL is doing little around the house and on her phone too much, but i’m sure he is well aware. Hopefully this week will help for.

What does she want a break from if her husband does everything?

Her husband chose to have multiple kids with her and is besotted, so why would you need to approach their marriage?

I feel your pain
My DSD’s DH is a lazy swine too
So-called house husband while she’s out grafting as a nurse all the hours godsends.

The two kids walk themselves to school as now of age to do so.
Nothing gets done while she’s at work, house is a hovel, no shopping/washing etc/ kids teas are freezer/airfryer food unless she’s there-,he games online or buggers about on phone all day, watching MAFs

As is said on here we keep well out of their marriage but I go over most sat mornings to give her hand getting sorted under guise of seeing kids/nipping in etc.

If the genders were reversed, people might see it differently. It's normal as a parent to be angry if your child's being taken advantage of, but is possible he does less when you're not there, and if she is the only one working ,it's fair he does more round the house (not nothing, though-no woman in my family ever accepted the blokes doing nothing, back in the days when women didn't work outside teh home much).

Thumb sucking is a way to self sooth. Maybe she picks up on your negative feelings and judgement towards her so hides away and comforts herself by looking at her phone.