How can I raise concerns about my daughter-in-law with my son?

[Newdaysmile]

My dil is so Lazy. She sits on her phone and sucks her thumb.. yes sucks her thumb in her 30s. My son has to do everything how do I approach it to my son who will always take her side.

Christ on a bike

Do you work ?
are you up for that ?

You need to quote people when you're replying @Newdaysmile

Click on the Quote button, which is on the left under every post.

he is enabling this at the moment once he gets fed up the dynamic will change
is she very dependent/needy sucking up energy what would you like to see happen - be careful what you wish for-you might get it

My MIL probably thinks that DP does everything because has lower standards for him than me. I also refuse to do things for her because of her criticism so when she comes round now I take a step back and he hosts, the same as I do for my family.

Is he happy? Do they love each other? Surely that's what matters?
Butt out of their relationship and stop slagging her off online unless you want them to severely back away from you so you don't get to see them.

My DS is 37 now and I have seen him with three different relationships, including one marriage. Currently with a very brilliant, Unbelievably smart woman who has MANY issues. With the wisdom of years, I see the flaws. With the wisdom of years, we all do! And we don’t want to be THAT MIL. They have to figure it out on their own, just as we did, even though every mother wants to jump in and shake some sense into our grown up “kids”. I just remember my own mother saying “ If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. So I think of nice things to say, don’t point out flaws, and keep my opinions to myself.

I mean if he’s married to her and he chose to marry her he probs likes it. Your son likes her and loves her so obviously that’s his type of woman.

To be fair, when my MIL comes round to see my husband and my kids (not really me) I do see that as my chance to clock off after doing everything all week…

Agree with everyone that you can't interfere. I appreciate you're coming from a place of love for your ds but I personally found it really hard when my ds was little, and it would have really hurt me if my mil judged me.

My ds was really hard work and I need a lot of solitude so it was a big adjustment. She may be really exhausted and sees it as a time to zone out when you visit. It doesn't make her a bad mum, in a great marriage we all bring different things to the table.

I'm 48 and my Mum was a superwoman - house always spotless, dinner always homecooked, everything organised and she always looked (and still does) beautiful and elegant.

I definitely wasn't up to that standard but I adore my ds and did right by him. In fact he's a grown up now and laying next to me on the sofa because he was feeling stressed and wanted to come home to mum.

My point is, don't judge her by what made you a great mum / wife. We're all different and you don't have the full picture.

With all due respect unless you have 24 hour camera surveilance you have no idea what goes on in their home.
She may be on her phone in your presence as she doesnt want to interact with you.
The thumb sucking is unusual but harmless and there are far worse habits to indulge in.
Live your life, be kind and try not to judge people based on little to no information/evidence.
No.one appreciates someone interfering in their relationship with their significant other.

Have you offered any help. For an adult to be sucking their thumb they must be quite trauatised. Maybe be kind

Is this when you’re around? I do absolutely nothing usually if MIL comes to visit. Dh does the cleaning, the hosting, the running around looking after the children so she can spend time with them, I don’t get up with children or the dog in the morning, I don’t get out of bed to make anyone coffee or chat to MIL. It’s Dh’s mum. He needs to host. But that isn’t at all how our house runs the other 355 days a year. It’s simply his responsibility to step up when she comes to visit and I sit down or stay in bed out of the way.

Just leave it. We have a similar situation here. We can all see it but the son.

If you intervene in any way you will either be blamed for a breakup or push them further together.

We have backed off totally so that anything between them is between them and we can't even be mentioned in the mess that will follow.

He needs to 'see' it for himself. Drop the rope.

Be very careful as it can damage relations.

What I will say is what you see can be deceptive. I am in a long term relationship with a man who seems to do everything and is super helpful when others are around. When not, I am left juggling the majority. I cottoned onto it early and my family are aware, his not fully.

I also came to two thoughts about the phone: 1) self soothing to avoid conflict when you’re around as she has picked up on the vibe that you don’t like her and want the relationship to end 2) She’s actually doing all the admin she doesn’t have time to do otherwise.

Other than the phone, what do you mean by lazy? is it possible that she’s actually facing burnout?

Is it not to give both of them a rest?

As she’s not your partner and you’re not the one who has to like her, all you need to do is mind your own business.

I mean you only see a tiny part of their relationship but is he otherwise happy? Or is he telling you that he’s not?

I’m sure my MIL thinks I’m a terrible wife, but she just doesn’t like me. My house is clean, I work full time and earn equal to my husband, my kids have turned out well and she’s always more than happy to eat my food and be waited on hand and foot (by me) when she’s here. But I’ve been told what she says about me behind my back - her poor son having to work all hours God sends to provide (for his own kids 🙄) her poor son having to have a takeaway one night when I was too shattered to cook. When I travel for work, her poor son having to look after his own children.

Reality is very different, even when travelling I do 99% of the household stuff. But she doesn’t see that.

Sucking her thumb in her 30s is weird, but aside from supporting with the kids etc then there’s not really a lot you can do other than be there for them. Why doesn’t she work? Can you take her out for lunch, find out more about her, encourage hobbies, build her confidence?

Can I ask how and when you see this?

I have a strained relationship with my MIL (she doesn't tend to notice this, in her own little world) so she only ever comes to see us and to her it probably seems I'm a lazy so and so, I refused to make her a cuppa, I try not to interact with her, I let my husband sort everything out while she is here as I actively avoid her! So, yes from her point of view her wee little darling seems to do everything but he and I know that when she's not here that simply isn't true.

Your post is very short so not sure if you simply think she isn’t good enough or there is more to it. However, obviously, you never say a word to your son about it. He is a grown man, a husband and a Father. I have some questions though…
Do you live with them? If not how do you know she is on her phone all the time?
Does she work? Does he work?
Is the house clean?
Who does the housework and the cleaning?
Are the kids happy and healthy?
Is your son happy?
Have you got a good relationship with her?

And as for the thumb sucking. Nothing wrong with it. It’s a habit from childhood and if it’s a comfort to her then that’s all that matters.

“Pistachiocake · Today 00:26
If the genders were reversed, people might see it differently. It's normal as a parent to be angry if your child's being taken advantage of, but is possible he does less when you're not there, and if she is the only one working ,it's fair he does more round the house (not nothing, though-no woman in my family ever accepted the blokes doing nothing, back in the days when women didn't work outside teh home much).”

I agree with this. @Newdaysmile - actually, you sound reasonable to be concerned. It sounds like there’s a serious imbalance in the relationship. Usually, in this scenario, it’s the male partner being lazy but that’s not always the case. But yes, there’s not a lot you can do about it. Criticising your MIL directly is unlikely to be productive. Being a hands-on grandmother is probably the best thing, if you can be.

So they are married and your biggest gripe with her is sucking her thumb? It could be a lot worse.

I mean, she’s allowed to chill out with her phone? What exactly does your son do that his wife doesn’t?

Thumb-sucking suggests she has a spectrum disorder. Look up Sensory Processing Disorder - craving or seeking.

People who suck their thumbs, chew their pens or bite their nails as adults don't generally do it just because they want to. They do it because they can't help it.