How to survive awful in-laws visiting

[Awfulinlaws]

They really are appalling. Drinking, rages, malicious interfering.

I have a husband problem but a major reason I haven’t divorced is that I don’t want to risk shared custody (not in the UK, in his home country).

SIL is middle aged and lives at home with PIL and is extremely controlling and has done things that could have seriously harmed DC (the details would be outing, but along the lines of ignoring a food allergy and repeatedly placing obviously dangerous items within reach of a very young child).

SIL has a diagnosed MH issue but no treatment or outside support. I do feel really sorry for her, but her behavior towards DC is frightening and meddling in our marriage malicious. DC have had no contact with their grandparents without controlling SIL there.
Husband a toxic wet lettuce who defends SIL and will scream at me. Everyone has to adjust to increasingly extreme behavior and partners/wives/husbands of siblings have to sometimes stay away from their house (it isn’t just me SIL has issues with - there wasn’t anything that kicked this off). Worryingly I don’t think there is any planning for the future.

We do have to see them on major holidays like Easter and Christmas at husband‘s controlling insistence and it has sucked all the magic and joy away. DC begs not to go. I back them up and husband then blames me.

I have tried being super accommodating in the past, but the malicious meddling continued and bad behavior towards DC. There are other siblings who are nice and we have a good relationship with and I really make an effort to keep that up for DC.

DC are old enough to understand there are issues and risks. And I have made it very very clear it is not their fault and we have talked about how to remove themselves from conversations.

I have been very ill and SIL will attempt to take DC off to things I obviously cannot join in with (not things DC would love to do and is missing out on, so this isn’t me against what could be positive).

Despite living close by we don’t see much of them. PIL are visiting soon and SIL will come with them.

Please please give me your best tips to survive the visit. These are mine if anyone else has to nudge similar:

• Not being tired so better able to cope with provocation and support DC.
• Doing some obvious nice welcoming things. It is so tempting not to put in any effort.
• I will keep a mental bingo card of SIL‘s most malicious and inappropriate phrases.
• My focus is on protecting DC from the inevitable chaos.
• Venting anonymously on Mumsnet.

Nod along in passive agreement with whatever they say

Be flippant “oh these things happen” when they deliberately do something dangerous/malicious

Sort of do out of body experience and run around keeping busy serving everyone

You are less of a target if you don’t sit still

Put 0% gin in a real gin bottle?

Count down the days mentally when kids are adults and you can escape this madness

Suggest out of house things even a walk people tend to be better behaved in public

It is very difficult to suggest anything. SIL will automatically want to do the opposite and will take any opportunity for a pointless argument.

I am going to run a quick bath and lie in it answering emails for a bit of peace before they arrive.

@frozendaisy SIL is crushingly racist so unfortunately nodding along in agreement isn’t something that works.

Rinse and repeat as often as needed.
Best wishes,

How old are dc? How long until you can ltb and lose all of them. Ime it's a massive bonus to getting divorced...

So just nod along agree and say ok we can do that

You subject your children to these people in their family home?

Honestly Op I know that this isn't what you asked about but I think that in years to come you will look back on this and ask yourself why you ever allowed your children to be put through such unpleasant times. I speak from experience.

But re what you did ask about - let your husband do the work re preparing for the visits, smile and nod a lot where you can (my lines in the sand where I did respond were around racism and mysogeny, there was no way I could let them go unchecked) and be busy clearing up etc when there are actual visits.

We couldn't even go out as my mil used to pick arguements with complete strangers so were stuck indoors with various unpleasant people talking shit. It was horrendous.

Your husband may be a victim of family dynamics himself and not yet ready to see them for what they are. It took my husband counselling to understand some of the awfulness that was happening within his family.

Have stock answers that take the wind out of her sails

“it’s a common view at the moment”

non-committed
vague
no confrontational

nothing they can grip on

think slippy
like you are dealing with a demented ugly relative

you know
your kids know
you don’t think like that

Drinking, rages, malicious interfering.

these people sound dangerous
and must be awful not just for your children but the neighbours too!

I point blank wouldn’t let them in my home.

Nod and smile while spelling out Fuck Off with your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

Racist?? FFS
Dont let them even near your front door

Why not suggest they go on a cruise? Even offer to pay.....

Can you buy a place on that cruise with hantavirus? Might solve all OPs issues 😳

Take three hours reading to the kids at bedtime

How old are the kids?
depending on their ages they could be your secret weapon here

OP, my MIL once enraged me to the point that the onky thing I could do was leave the room. So long as your DC are safe, a strategic withdrawal to fetch a painkiller (or whatever pick-me-up is required) is better than falling into a huge argument! If your in-laws drink spirits, I might be watering them down a bit.

Buy a door wedge (possibly the simplest piece of genius technology invented) , and if the worst happens, retreat to your child's bedroom with child, in the evening, supposed to read them a story or to chat, wedge the door and sleep in there with them.

Tell your dh, you or child are feeling poorly and not to be disturbed. 😊

Can you and your children go away for the duration of their visit? Maybe to visit a sick relative on your side?

The impact on DC is the absolute worst part. I started divorce proceedings but even though my husband can be proven to be at fault the precedents in the country mean he would very likely keep some access. My fear was the toxic elements of his family would then be able to cause even more harm. At the moment it is one or two short visits a year, then we have to go at Easter and Christmas.

I feel trapped and devastated. I was seriously ill physically and this has been used against me by my husband and SIL/PIL.

Then my husband would try to take DC to theirs without me. It is really a nightmare.

I will. F off you sick neo n*zi. It should prevent jaw tension too.

DC know how wrong their views are. The racism is intolerable and I have some food produced in some of the countries SIL hates (I lived in one of them so I do go to the store run by a lovely guy from the region). I will add it to the table or open shelf every time she spouts any racist sh*te.

Have you seriously exhausted absolutely every avenue to leave this situation?

No, extremely controlling husband. DC have play dates and will kick up if these are cancelled.