How to survive awful in-laws visiting

[Awfulinlaws]

They really are appalling. Drinking, rages, malicious interfering.

I have a husband problem but a major reason I haven’t divorced is that I don’t want to risk shared custody (not in the UK, in his home country).

SIL is middle aged and lives at home with PIL and is extremely controlling and has done things that could have seriously harmed DC (the details would be outing, but along the lines of ignoring a food allergy and repeatedly placing obviously dangerous items within reach of a very young child).

SIL has a diagnosed MH issue but no treatment or outside support. I do feel really sorry for her, but her behavior towards DC is frightening and meddling in our marriage malicious. DC have had no contact with their grandparents without controlling SIL there.
Husband a toxic wet lettuce who defends SIL and will scream at me. Everyone has to adjust to increasingly extreme behavior and partners/wives/husbands of siblings have to sometimes stay away from their house (it isn’t just me SIL has issues with - there wasn’t anything that kicked this off). Worryingly I don’t think there is any planning for the future.

We do have to see them on major holidays like Easter and Christmas at husband‘s controlling insistence and it has sucked all the magic and joy away. DC begs not to go. I back them up and husband then blames me.

I have tried being super accommodating in the past, but the malicious meddling continued and bad behavior towards DC. There are other siblings who are nice and we have a good relationship with and I really make an effort to keep that up for DC.

DC are old enough to understand there are issues and risks. And I have made it very very clear it is not their fault and we have talked about how to remove themselves from conversations.

I have been very ill and SIL will attempt to take DC off to things I obviously cannot join in with (not things DC would love to do and is missing out on, so this isn’t me against what could be positive).

Despite living close by we don’t see much of them. PIL are visiting soon and SIL will come with them.

Please please give me your best tips to survive the visit. These are mine if anyone else has to nudge similar:

• Not being tired so better able to cope with provocation and support DC.
• Doing some obvious nice welcoming things. It is so tempting not to put in any effort.
• I will keep a mental bingo card of SIL‘s most malicious and inappropriate phrases.
• My focus is on protecting DC from the inevitable chaos.
• Venting anonymously on Mumsnet.

Yes. It is a horrible issue with The Hague Convention. Either a very long court case with an extremely toxic and controlling husband in a country that favors continued involvement. Or going back to my home with DC and becoming the danger parent legally as it would be viewed as kidnap, even when fleeing domestic abuse.

Primary equivalent.

What would husband do if you refused to engage? Just said no?
Are you safe? Is it a safe country for women? Are there any DV services?

I also agree with your last paragraph. PIL are appalling too. The mother aggressively controlling and then sickly sweet. The father a heavy drinker who passively supports horrific behavior. My husband does not have a lot of physical contact with them, but will defend them to the hilt even when it is a ridiculous denial of reality.

There may be elder abuse or at least isolation from SIL. I did get my husband to intervene at one point.

Sideline me and put DC at risk.

Safe now. There was a time when my husband was drinking heavily and I wasn’t.

Could you use that strategically?

My ex was a prick for that so when I was preparing to leave I would use that habit against him. If I wanted to go for a walk I’d suggest something and add “definitely not a walk though”.

low and behold he’d announce that he was desperate to go for a walk, would be selfish if I didn’t support him etc etc so I’d fake reluctance and join in and enjoy my walk knowing it’s what I wanted.

After we split I did it readily when our girls wanted to go somewhere when with him (as otherwise they’d be in their bedroom for a week while he played his computer). Would comment that the girls wanted to do something with him but I’d taken them swimming already so not that. He’d take them swimming to “prove” that I couldn’t tell him what to do.

This exactly how my husband is!

SIL similar, but dangerously so - DC diagnosed with a food intolerance and suddenly it is the best food for children! She gave it to young DC and they loved it (spat it out)! What sort of mother stops their child eating (not saying exactly what it is but certainly not essential and easily avoided - think a dodgy E number)!. Also will not have a normal conversation. Only wants to argue.

How old are your children?

Who are they raging at?

why buys the alcohol? How long do they stay for?

They wouldn’t. SIL doesn’t like other people. PIL support her in being very isolated. Which isn’t a great strategy pushing 80.

DC begs not to go.

so they wouldn’t go with him then if you said no - these racist dangerous alcoholics aren’t coming here

Primary, final years.

They bring a lot. My husband buys it for them too.

They rage at each other, at me, sometimes at DC - I step in quickly so they rage at me again.

So your husband can’t man handle them in to the car if they don’t want to go

They don’t come often. I suspect there is something along the lines of pathelogical demand avoidance with SIL and my husband. If I say they are not coming he would push it so they come more often. This did happen. When I absolutely drew a line the PIL and SIL where in the house within a day and would not leave.

It is getting to the point where they say no and my husband yells at me but can’t really change it.

So there we go

You refuse these dangerous people in to your home.

Your husband can’t now force the children in to the car to visit them instead.

So off he trots alone

Grey rock them
Pretend you're an actor in a play
Mentally choose to buy a really lovely treat for yourself when they leave

Do you ever rage back, like scream in their faces?

Basically make it as uncomfortable as possible for them, ideally in a passive aggressive way. Heating/cooking off, bad food, slippery floors etc.

Within a year or so this will be realistic. I think DC are still a bit young and the risk is of my husband essentially bribing or manipulating them to go is still too high for them to be subjected to SIL.

it would so be playing into them. They are toxic liars. I have said Please leave now you are not speaking like that infront of DC. „No, you are the problem, you said it“. There is a level of insanity it just isn’t possible to reason with.

The biggest issue is protecting your kids.
Make sure they know to run any foodstuffs past you to check for safety.
Perhaps give them permission to retreat to a safe space e.g. their bedrooms or the garden (somewhere in laws won't go). It may be an idea to think of an excuse so no one accuses them/you of being rude/antisocial- perhaps a homework/art project or sports challenge or similar

That's true. DD defended me once when MIL was taking the piss out of me. She (MIL) used to do it all the time but she doesn't any more. Not in front of me or the DC anyway!

I agree.

They also have a safe space with a friend locally.

We have gone through phrases to use to end conversations.

Could you arrange for the DC to be elsewhere eg stay with a friend? At least you wouldn’t have to worry about them.

This lot are really awful and the alcohol levels mean I just encourage DC to keep out of it and have a safe place to go to.

They are old enough to have strategically arranged back to back play dates. These are usually at our place, but they are going to their friends.