How to survive awful in-laws visiting

[Awfulinlaws]

They really are appalling. Drinking, rages, malicious interfering.

I have a husband problem but a major reason I haven’t divorced is that I don’t want to risk shared custody (not in the UK, in his home country).

SIL is middle aged and lives at home with PIL and is extremely controlling and has done things that could have seriously harmed DC (the details would be outing, but along the lines of ignoring a food allergy and repeatedly placing obviously dangerous items within reach of a very young child).

SIL has a diagnosed MH issue but no treatment or outside support. I do feel really sorry for her, but her behavior towards DC is frightening and meddling in our marriage malicious. DC have had no contact with their grandparents without controlling SIL there.
Husband a toxic wet lettuce who defends SIL and will scream at me. Everyone has to adjust to increasingly extreme behavior and partners/wives/husbands of siblings have to sometimes stay away from their house (it isn’t just me SIL has issues with - there wasn’t anything that kicked this off). Worryingly I don’t think there is any planning for the future.

We do have to see them on major holidays like Easter and Christmas at husband‘s controlling insistence and it has sucked all the magic and joy away. DC begs not to go. I back them up and husband then blames me.

I have tried being super accommodating in the past, but the malicious meddling continued and bad behavior towards DC. There are other siblings who are nice and we have a good relationship with and I really make an effort to keep that up for DC.

DC are old enough to understand there are issues and risks. And I have made it very very clear it is not their fault and we have talked about how to remove themselves from conversations.

I have been very ill and SIL will attempt to take DC off to things I obviously cannot join in with (not things DC would love to do and is missing out on, so this isn’t me against what could be positive).

Despite living close by we don’t see much of them. PIL are visiting soon and SIL will come with them.

Please please give me your best tips to survive the visit. These are mine if anyone else has to nudge similar:

• Not being tired so better able to cope with provocation and support DC.
• Doing some obvious nice welcoming things. It is so tempting not to put in any effort.
• I will keep a mental bingo card of SIL‘s most malicious and inappropriate phrases.
• My focus is on protecting DC from the inevitable chaos.
• Venting anonymously on Mumsnet.

What a horrendous situation for you! Sounds as if you have strategies in place and you're just going to have to grit your teeth/leave the room to do something 'urgent' when necessary.

Fair enough, but bullies only recognise strength I am afraid.

I agree. These are bullies fuelled by an awful lot of alcohol though, some with a very tenuous grasp on reality. There are some very significant MH issues in the family- some older relatives who never lived independently. I seriously wonder if some of the others are less affected. The ability to deny reality is spectacular.

I think your mental bingo idea is a bad one, you’ll literally be waiting for bad things to be said/ happen so that you can get even more irritated/ bitter. I think don’t give them the emotional bandwidth- be nice where you can and if not just shrug and say ‘I don’t know’- and get away from there where you can dragging dc with you as you ‘need help’

What an awful situation. Part of me would want to go absolutely batshit mental at them 10x worse than them (when DC are at their friends) but obviously its not very helpful. Just to give them a taste of their own medicine and show them you will no longer be treated in this way.

How many dc?

if only one it’s easier than if multiple. I used to basically mount 24/7 monitoring of my twins (we had similar issues with food).

arrange things outside the house for dc to do (sounds like you are already on this with the play dates)

put stash of safe food (fruit, packet croissants, drinks etc) in dcs and your room so that you can eat away from mealtimes.

are dc old enough to understand what they shouldn’t eat and why or is it more complicated with potential ingredients and they are not totally on board?

can you predict when drinking is likely to be (eg late at night) and make sure dc are in bed early (and take a couple of hours over their “bedtime routine”)

Snacks and fruit stashed in your and the dc bedrooms so if it all kicks off you can sit in there with them and have some food and go to bed. A thermos handy for a cup of tea/chocolate with it! Would it help to install a bolt on their door?

Sorry you also had to deal with this.

Yes DC are old enough.

one so sort of manageable.

Great idea. Will get their favourite treats and they can eat as much of them as they want.

They get up late and the drinking starts before lunch. I have never actually seen SIL with a non-alcoholic drink apart from coffee. She may be using alcohol as a coping mechanism (diagnosed serious MH issues, no treatment) which is damaging for her too.

Thanks. This is probably true. It is so serious it is way past this point. I used to think of it as a way to relieve the tension of the hideous things being said.

There is constant criticism though. If I try to get DC away by saying I need help their will be a round of comments along the lines of „we can see xx can’t manage“ „what sort of mother asks their child for help with…“. Which makes me want to spell out a few home truths to them.

Re getting dc away - if they don’t respond well to you saying you need help then frame it another way.

maybe dc is doing brownie cooking badge and would love to show off the things she has been learning to cook? (Cue three hours in the kitchen).

This is the sort of thing we do. Then they will go out to eat and DC will be upset that what they made was ignored. This happened unfortunately and gives an idea of the constant toxicity.

Record all of it. It might be useful evidence one day. Especially if there’s a vast amount.

Thank you. I will start doing this.

If you have one child and s/he is late primary school age then the courts will probably listen to them when s/he say they want to be with you. Depends on which country you live in. S/he experiences abuse and watches her dad and grandparents being abusive to you. Please leave this week.

The op has said it multiple times. If she leaves her husband, he will have 50% custody of the kids.

She'll do anything (as demonstrated) to avoid this.

Including putting up with batshit in-laws.

I get it, op, I really do. Just play the long game.

Kill them with kindness, at the same time as having a strange but subtle smirk on your face. Whatever sister in law suggests say “oh I was going to suggest that too, great minds aye’ (with the same subtle smirk on your face). Agree with everything they say ( as long as it’s not anything that’s upsetting to the kids), again with strange smirk on face. They will hate that they can’t get a rise out of you.

Thank you. This is the issue. I don’t think it would be 50/50, but that harm he would do is a concern with even a small amount of contact alternating between being a Disney Dad who financially abuses me, then exposing DC to the hideous elements of his family.

Thanks. I just have to not rise to any of it. SIL is so volatile the situation implodes. Husband then looks absolutely ridiculous and pathetic as he makes excuses for it.

Believe me if I was in the UK I would be long gone.

Pretend you and the kids have all come down with a serious mystery illness and must all stay in bed all day watching telly undisturbed

Thank you. Especially the person who suggested writing what I really feel on the roof of my mouth. I somehow stayed calm and around. DC knows SIL‘s behavior was very wrong and it is not their fault at all.

• DC had to listen to unpleasant comments about me by SIL. It was actually something DC does but I was blamed. DC recognized it as rubbish but shouldn’t be put in that situation.

• SIL having rages over most things, including when PIL wanted to spend time with DC - PIL didn’t in the end. Just how they managed not to spend any time with or watching their GC over a long weekend is mind boggling and rather sad. Probably easier for DC though.

• No joint activities. Probably for the best.

• Lots of drinking.

• DC played with friends and sidestepped most of the sht shw. Husband didn’t try to stop them - I think he is starting to realize SIL does not like being around children.

• My husband insists it was all wonderful. When I addressed how upset DC was it was apparently ‚my problem‘.

• All topped off with a houseplant that is lethal to cats. SIL doesn’t approve of DC having a cat. Binning the toxic house plant was cathartic.

SIL is getting more and more difficult. PIL are very old and have health issues. SIL has diagnosed mental health issues for which she has been shielded at home rather than getting professional help. Probably not severe enough for assisted living, but still extreme. There have been three or four decades to do something but now it really feels too late. She is dangerously malicious on top of everything else so very difficult to deal with. It is a complete mess and concerning for the future.

Are you family living in the UK? Are you planning on moving back?