Anyone else nearing 40 and feeling stuck between life stages?

[Wondrring]

Is anyone else approaching 40 and feeling completely in-between stages of life?

I’m nearly 38 with two kids and thought by this age I’d feel more settled in myself, but instead I feel a bit lost and emotionally exhausted. I have ideas for my future and the kind of life I want, but no time, energy or resources to properly move towards any of it.

Not sure if this is late 30s, burnout, an identity shift, or all of the above.

I turn 40 soon and feel lost career wise tbh. I got made redundant for needing to go part time due to disability (got a settlement) but I have no idea what comes next and I’m too young to retire but also dealing with pretty significant health issues.

I feel like there’s more pressure to be sorted out at 40 than there was at 30?

@neverwakeasleepingbaby this is exactly how I feel too!!! I want to throw myself in to work for more money and prestige but can’t cope with corporate bullshit and then also terrified about AI and all the other things you mention.

@Wondrring I hope you don't mind me chiming in age 50

I was fine at 40. Everything was on track and on plan.

Lockdown ruined everything - also being blunt, with parental health issues in the past, I was not expecting to have an elderly parent in the mix age 50 and I lost a chunk of my 40s trying to look after my mum.

Please do not make the same mistake! No will give you back chunks of your life that you missed - it hasn't helped that the outside world is unrecognisable now, I will never again assume that certain things are still out there to be done and to be enjoyed. Stupid me.

You've not been specific, but I can't help wondering, when anybody asks this question, I wonder if it's a you thing or if it's an environment thing

I haven't got anything massive to complain about

However, I do have this constant sense of "when will things go back to normal?" And it's really hard to process that they probably won't. I've discovered a lot of people are feeling like this.

I think, if you are deeply busy in your family, it's not the sort of thing that affects you. For those of us who aren't, and who are very much involved with the world outside our front doors, it's a very strong feeling. In real life, I've had people in my 30s say this to me as well. It isn't just a "looking back on a golden age" thing.

Also, whenever anybody talks about their future career plans, I have to keep quiet because that's the polite thing to do but I always wonder if they have thought about AI in that context. Whether it's coming faster or slower than you expected probably depends on many things - it's actually coming on slower than I expected in 2016 so that's a relief - but many people weren't in a position to know it was coming in 2016.

In short, there are many reasons you might be feeling unnerved, and I wouldn't automatically attribute them to your age

I used to have periods of uncertainty for no reason. It's about learning to navigate them I think. Though at the moment I have no control over the things causing me uncertainty. But a lot of life is going to be like that, I suppose

Probably not the answer you wanted, but the most honest one I can give you. Please don't automatically look at yourself and think that you're lacking in some way.

I knowwwww.

Except my hormones also sometimes tell me having another baby is a grand idea, and sometimes they tell me I don't want to adult at all anymore and maybe everything peaked in 2010...

I feel this so much! Mine is more career based. I’m 39 next month with two kids. We had wanted a third but sadly after three miscarriages decided that wasn’t meant for us. I’d been putting off sorting my career out for so long (finding literally any excuse when really I was just scared) now I feel I’m out of excuses!!

But there are big changes afoot at my current place of employment which is causing a lot of uneasiness so feel the time has to be now for me to sort my shit out. Just need help figuring out what I want to do and how to get there…..

Yep I feel the same. Kids are teenagers now. Burnt out from job, never going back into education. Nearly 38. At the crossroads.

I'm 40 in a few months and I feel like that's it now, I have nothing to show for my life apart from the kids and I'll never achieve anything I want to.

Last year I was doing really well with running and exercise, was a lot thinner but then due to injury I had to take time off. I feel like that's it now, I'll never get back to running long distance and I'll never lose the weight.

I'm in a minimum wage job which I actually enjoy and it offers me great flexibility around the kids but I could never support myself on my own and I feel like I should have a grown up job.

I've basically wasted my life and it doesn't help that I forget that I'm not 20 anymore and when I realise that my age is against me I'm like oh well that's that then, may as well not bother.

I'm 43 and this resonates. I think as a women I had a 'plan' until I had kids. But I never ever thought about what happened after that. No I feel totally rudderless floating around with no direction. I literally have no idea where I am going or what I want! I'm stuck in a nice but non challenging flexible job I'm too scared to quit. I feel like I have no interests and I'm bored!

I'm back with some insights!

Carl Jung said "Life begins at 40"

He also said "Around age 40, a shift occurs where individuals begin to question their path and seek deeper purpose. This is often misinterpreted as a "midlife crisis," but Jung viewed it as a transition from nurturing the ego to nurturing the soul.

A really good page to read is this "Eight stages of development" https://www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740

There seems to be a lot about community which might be why I feel a bit lost. I have no "community" or many hobbies. These are the things that keep you mentally upbeat in your last stage of life so it's important to start thinking about them now.

Being unemployed (job hunting desperately!) has obviously given me too much free time 🤣 it's interesting though so wanted to share 💐

Love Jung! Thank you.

I identify with everything up thread, when posters have young children. Thank you.

realising over the past few weeks that THIS is my midlife crisis.

the thing that bothers me the most is the realisation that the family life and house I dreamed of (walking to school, pretty house, berries in the garden) is just not achievable for us. This makes me profoundly sad. Also wanting to be settled and confident for the kids, not up and down and insecure. I’m not the mum I want them to watch me being.

I think this is (or is going to be) a common experience for our generation.
I didn’t grow up in a particularly wealthy household. We had enough but not more. My expectation of getting a professional career that is well paid (six figures) was that I could afford the same house or better as my parents (who didn’t go to uni).
But there is this realisation as I near 40 that I can’t. Like, this is it. This is where we land.
And as you say, that does make me very sad. I can’t afford the reasonably sized garden in the Home Counties for my children to run around in. I can’t afford a house large enough for them to not share a room.
We have enough, but not more. And it makes me wonder why I bothered. Because there has been a lot of personal sacrifice in terms of time and mental health to qualify in my chosen profession. But it won’t allow me to provide the same childhood for my children as I had. And I guess I’ll have to accept that

Yup, this.
husband says that you just need to look at the economics of it since 2008 and it all makes sense.
but some people still seem to get it anyway? Inherited wealth I suppose

@Recoveringemo

I love Jung. Read all his books. I sometimes record my dreams in ChatGPT and ask for a Jung analysis on them, as he said that dreams are a gateway to the unconscious and can reveal many aspects of ourselves. Anyway, also unemployed with far too much time on my hands 🤣.

How old are your children OP? When mine were young I felt like I was always compromising and not giving anything my all, be that work, parenting, being a good partner.

I am 40 now and my youngest is a mid teen. I have hobbies, I am really doing well in my career, I have done further education. I don’t think it’s age related, it’s just getting through the fog of trying to be all things to all people. The pressure will ease as the kids get older and less dependent.

Im absolutely in this and im 43.5! Been feeling like this a year or so. Don’t know how to get out of it. My kids are growing up (14 and 11), need me less and I feel redundant. My ‘career’ is nowhere near what I want it to be. I’ve had a lot of health challenges since mid 30s and genuninely lots of things not how I thought they’d be. But also no idea how to start to change things. Also lost lots of friendships and hobbies etc since covid and feel just fed up a lot. And money is harder to manage now…

I’m a similar age. Can I ask what you did when you left him and how you found someone else and remarried again. Are you happier now?

Oh such a long story so bare with me lol. I was 17 when we met. He was 22. We got engaged when i was 19. Married at 22. Kids when i was 24. 30. And 34. He worked away from home on power stations as a scaffolder from the day I met him. Didn't bother me at all. I love my own company. I fear he had some shenanigans over the years. I couldn't prove it but I stand by it. At least 3 times. Hes passed away now. We were quite good friends by the end and I found it massively upsetting...accidental death in 2021. He was 53. But we split up 9 years earlier when my oldest was 14. I just had this day when I thought what am I even doing here. I see him 3 days a month. And we have nothing in common so I left. I stick to my guns when I get an idea in my head. He didnt see it coming though he would have muddled through for years. My oldest hung out with a kid over the road for years. Played football for the same local club. Same school. My kids dad went to high school with his dad but they werent great mates just same age. The boys dad joined the army at 17 and didnt come back to the city until 1998. He had married. Had his son. His wife died of a brain haemorrhage when son was 7 and he lived alone since. His son was now 12. The dad basically thought i was a bit of alright and found excuses to contact me about the boys about a year after i had split up. I seen him on a night out with my friends. We spoke via text. He asked me on a date. He was not an atypical good looking bloke he wont mind me saying. 44. Overweight. Bald. But one of the nicest funniest men id ever spoke to in a while. I also knew he was genuine from his background. Kids were mortified. Lol. Its been a rocky road with 4 kids and their history. We moved in. Moved out. Moved back in over the space of 13 years. But we fundamentally decided we were meant for each other. And we got married October 2024 with my son giving me away. His son as witness. And my 2 daughters as bridesmaids. His son now has a daughter and I am Nanny! Its been a work in progress. Still is. But its for life. Personally im not a dating app blind date kind of woman so it was always going to be someone known to me if at all.
Im happier now in some ways. But I was happy mostly then till the end tbh. It just all came to a head one weekend i think. I am now 53. Husband is 58 we have great kids and an ok life and we love each other a ridiculous amount. Id trust him with my life. Obvs this is just my story. And good luck to anyone starting over!