How would you describe a people pleaser?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I keep hearing this thrown around everywhere. I think it’s becoming a bit devalued in the way everyone’s suddenly a narcissist for occasionally being a bit selfish. Someone called me a people pleaser at a group dinner the other night cos I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of shared starter rather than just taking it myself. Then someone else said “Waitingforthesunnydays is the least likely person in the world to be a people pleaser”! Amazingly two insults at the opposite end of the spectrum that were equally insulting! I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do unless it’s for family or close friends who’ve done a lot for me, in which case I do it cos I care. I only make an effort to make people like me if I like them and want their company. I smile a lot though, and am always polite and friendly to people, unless they’re dicks or they give me a reason not to. At a party I’m not a mingler, I prefer to hang out with people I know well and whose company I know I enjoy. If I felt someone didn’t like me and I didn’t know why (in say, a work setting) it would bother me though. Not sure I’d make loads of effort to try and make them like me but I’d be a bit miffed about it. Am I a people pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? How do you know? What do you think made you that way? How would you define it? Do you think you become less of a people pleaser as you get older?

They’re often self-proclaimed people
pleasers on mumsnet

and I wonder how many people in their life actually regards them as a people pleaser. I suspect no one does.

Strikes me as people who if they do something for someone they do it with a martyrish look on their face the entire time.

Oh my gosh, you took the words right off of my keyboard! 😁

I was going to say exactly that.

Plus, I often see self-proclaimed people pleasers as a tad up their own arses.

They're rarely how they actually see themselves.

Someone who cant stand up for themselves because they are scared someone might be cross with them. Someone who says yes to things they dont want to do.

But generally makes it very clear that they are “helping” under duress

Ha yes, this! I hadn’t thought about the self-proclaimed martyr types before, but there are definitely a lot of “oh I can’t help it, I’m just such a people pleaser” types out there (while they’re desperately hoping you think they’re unbelievably wonderful and selfless)
It wouldn’t be something I was proud of though, I wouldn’t want people to see me as someone they can walk all over or someone who had a weak personality

God no. Thats someone who's passive aggressive. A people pleaser wouldn't dare.

A people pleaser needs you to think they are great and to like them. They'd never want to make a fuss in case you were cross with them

Source- im a former people pleaser.

Not always, no. Some people are just "wired" to please other people and don't do it for glory etc., but just out of habit, often because of their upbringing.

Trust me. These self proclaimed people pleasers are very martyrish woe is me.

Or you could trust me and believe that I am telling the truth of my own thoughts and actions when I say that I was one and I needed to be liked so I did whatever people wanted and I did it very enthusiastically so everyone would like me.

You don’t speak on behalf of all people pleasers!

I don’t question your experience.

My experience of people pleasers is they make it clear. Woe is me. Martyr.

On mn people say they were once a people pleaser but they’re not now

Translation: they once did something nice, didn’t get what they wanted in return, and went full on savage ‘f*#k everyone’ and now brags about it on mn!!

I think people call nice people people pleasers because they can’t understand some people are actually just nice and want to help out/ don’t feel it’s fair for others to carry a burden etc. The people who call people people pleasers are the people who call you someone wet blankets, limp lettuces etc because they didn’t immediately do what they thought the person should do (generally dump someone or tell them where to go).

Nailed it with the notion of those who were once people pleasers but no more

One of my foster children is a people pleaser. He will always say or do whatever he thinks and adult wants to hear. I think it's because of his childhood of being punished severely if he dared to disagree with a parent. I ask what he wants/thinks and he panics and asks me what he should do/say.

I also don't trust people pleasers.

Anyone who wants to be liked by everyone will have little loyalty to anyone.

People pleasers aren’t necessarily ‘woe is me’ in my experience. Some are so entrenched in pleasing others that they happily serve and fawn and wouldn't know how to be any different. It’s a fear of disapproval or not being liked. But that’s what’s icky about it. It’s not authentic and genuine. It’s not selfless charity or kindness. It’s an entirely self serving trauma response. Probably from how they were raised as a child.

Nor do you yet that didn't stop you telling me to trust you that people pleasers are woe is me martyrs in response to my saying how I used to feel and act. (For years. From being a teenager until into my bloody 40s before I fully shook it off. I was terrified of not being liked. Took a long time to stop giving a shit.)

What's that if not speaking for all plus flat out telling me I'm wrong in my own description of myself. I say how I was, you quote me and tell me to trust you, people pleasers are woe is me martyrs. I would argue that is questioning my experience.

*That's a rhetorical question. I'm not actually asking you. I'm telling you how it read.

Someone who pleases others to their own detriment.

That is true. Telling everyone what you think they want to hear so that they will like you can blow up in your face badly and leave you looking like a two faced twat.

I've seen it happen more than once.

In MY experience.

Stop getting riled. We don’t know each other from Adam and never will. We have a different view and experience. The end 🤷‍♀️

Therapists will use it, which you can google, but a lot of people use it to justify being selfish and acting like an overgrown teenager who won't put themselves out for anyone, or to put kind, thoughtful people down (mainly women, who have actually been the glue that kept their family together and happy).

DH is a definite people pleaser. He will go out of his way to help complete strangers even putting his family at inconvenience to do so. It’s caused a lot of issues between us. Also I’ve read it’s linked to ADHD. Not sure if that’s true.

I think that @ItsJustMeMyself has hit the nail on the head.

From my experience, it's someone who always puts everybody else first, regardless of whether or not their needs are met, and they are easily guilt-tripped or panicking anxiously if they feel that they're not doing enough to help. They usually seem to be the type of people who are sadly lacking in self-confidence. They're usually very nice people, but others who realise that they are a people-pleaser sometimes use this to their own advantage (and the people-pleaser's detriment). Also, people-pleasers are the ones who can never make a firm decision and always plump for, "I'll just go with the majority..." (like my mother). I was brought up to do the same, and it's hard to shake it off, though I'm getting better at it with age and more experience.

Edited to send hugs to your foster child, @caringcarer ! I hope that they overcome this fear in time, though I realise that it will be difficult and it's a long road ahead for them. Thank you for looking after them 😊

But he’s pleasing one set of people. And categorically not pleasing another set of people, his family.

So that’s just messed up priorities surely?

what a nasty and unpleasant thread!!